We have had the privilege, since the inception of this blog, to have many conversations with Christian couples who are thriving and struggling in their marriages. It has been a blessing to our marriage to learn from others, as well as to help others through the word of God and our own personal struggles and triumphs.
Several people have asked us for recommendations on books that we have found helpful or enjoyable. We have read quite a bit on those claiming to be "marriage authorities" out there. There are definitely some that are better than others. The one book that has seemed quite controversial in conversations has been "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. We have heard the remark multiple times "I don't need to read a book on divorce or affairs. My marriage isn't there." I would assert that instead of assuming your marriage is okay, "divorce-proofing" is exactly what we should be doing and learning to meet the needs of our spouse is exactly how we do this. When we meet the needs of our spouse, then there is no reason for them to seek anything or anyone outside of your marriage. That is the premise of "His Needs, Her Needs."
However, this post is not in defense or really even in recommendation of the book. I thought it would be helpful, and hopefully edifying, to share the story of a couple who thought they were "fine" and found themselves devastated after an affair entered their marriage. I have permission to share this story, but the anonymity of the family will be preserved due to the delicate nature of the situation. Please consider their story carefully.
"It was a typical day and I was coming home from work. As I was driving I was thinking that my husband and I hadn't really been fighting lately and everything was going pretty well. That sure was nice to have some peace around the house. I got home that day, and my husband was already home. I started making preparations for dinner, when all the noise in the house was suddenly gone. It startled me and I looked at my husband. He looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "I need to tell you something..." he said.
My heart pounded. It was like I already knew the answer before he could even spit the words out of his mouth. "You are having an affair, aren't you?" I asked. "Yes" he replied. "When?" I countered. "A few months ago. It's been over for a while. I thought I could just move past it, but I couldn't stand not telling you," he said. My disbelief slowly turned into rage. I removed my wedding rings and threw them on the floor. "We're over!" I screamed. "Get out. NOW!"
From that moment forward, it was all a blur. I had small children at home to care for and all the sudden I couldn't even take care of myself. The sobs came uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what to do. How was I going to survive? How would I pay for everything? How was I going to share custody of my children? Divorce was the only option. I had made it clear when I married my husband that I would never stand for infidelity in my marriage.
He left. I took his credit card. I didn't trust him not to try to take our money. Did I even know this man? I gave him enough money for a hotel room and told him not to contact me. What should have felt like relief when he left, was not even close. What did I do? I called my mom and she came over and watched the kids while I recounted the memory of that moment over and over. Why? How? I cried until I had no energy left.
The next few days continued in a blur. I cried. I barely slept. I couldn't eat. My mom stayed and helped with the kids so I could figure out what to do. We didn't see each other or talk for almost a week. I didn't talk to my kids about their dad. Finally, we talked. He was trying to get help. He was working through his issues, but he confessed he didn't want our marriage to be over. He said he knew the only way we could survive was for him to be honest and have a new start...but whether I could forgive him was another story.
I finally started asking details about the affair. Some might think it crazy, but I wanted to know everything. If there was any chance at me getting through this, I had to know it all to see if I could push through it. She worked with him. She started showing up randomly in his office. She would compliment him. She would email him and text him. What started off so "innocent" became explicit very quickly. They were sleeping together in less than two weeks after it started. His guilt eventually overcame him and the sexual part of the affair ended, but their contact didn't.
I made the decision to contact her. Yes, her. She wouldn't answer me at first, but she told me she had nothing to explain to me. He was a big boy and made his decision to be with her. I told her I didn't deny that, but she was 50% of the problem. How could she do this to me? To my family?
Months passed. My husband was not living at home. We would spend evenings talking and recounting over the aspects of the affair. We would cry. Then we would pray. We talked about how we made it to this point. What needs was I not meeting for him to seek it from another woman? What did I need from him to even consider forgiveness?
Healing began. Last Christmas, he moved home. We were separated, but started "dating" each other again to see if we still had that spark together. I fully believe that if I had not had children, I would have divorced him immediately. But children bring another perspective into the relationship. I wouldn't stay with him if I couldn't reconnect, but I was going to try. I owed that to my kids.
Eventually, I figured I owed it to myself. I found myself falling for the new man I saw before me. I found myself rediscovering the man I loved before. I found myself realizing that God wanted to to have a successful marriage, and this man could still be the one. I found myself discovering forgiveness.
We just passed the year mark of that terrible day. I'm happy to say we are together and in love. If it hadn't been for God and the strength He provided me and the courage He gave me, I would have never survived it. I will spend the rest of my days thanking Him and hoping my marriage can glorify His name."
I share this with you to say, see, it does happen. I know all too many people that it has happened to recently. But even more, there can be forgiveness and there can be a way to make marriage work. Too many people give up when times get tough, but I'm not sure there could be a rougher time than a couple enduring an affair. I'm glad I could share this story with you, and I pray you keep this family and their marriage in your prayers. They are still rebuilding, but getting stronger every day.
Divorce-proof your marriage. Be committed to meeting your spouses needs and there won't be a reason for them to look elsewhere. God wants it to be one man, one woman for a lifetime. With Him, all things are possible! (Phil. 4:13)
Friday, November 18, 2011
Unity: Finances
Thanks to everyone for their patience and encouragement as we endured a set-back without a working computer in the house for quite some time! We are now up and running and this is our "trial post" to see how everything goes!
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Unity: Parenting and Discipline
So continuing on with our thoughts on unity, this post will cover unity in parenting and discipline. Beyond your marriage, there is no more important undertaking that you as a couple can do on this earth. The decision to have children is serious and momentous, for at that moment, you become responsible for another being's life. It's so precious and so dear, not demonstrating unity in this area between you and your spouse can be detrimental to your family.
Proverbs 22:6 says "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." So how do children learn "the way they should go"? It should be from the godly examples, training and discipline received from their parents. Paul commended Timothy for his faith that he had observed first in his mother and grandmother. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)
Did you ever wonder if you were ready to have children? Someone once told me that I would never be ready, no matter how much preparation I did because children change your lives forever! It doesn't matter how many parenting books you read, how much advice you receive, or how much help you get...your child is going to rock your world! Even though I do agree with that statement, I do believe that we should be prepared in the type of approach you want to take as a parent.
Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."
When you are considering having children are you thinking:
-Hopefully you both want to have children. Not being committed to this thought together may lead to problems and laziness down the road.
-How many children do you want?
-Are you prepared to deal with miscarriage? Loss of a child?
- What if you have the inability to conceive? How you do feel about artificial methods of conception such as artificial insemination or invitro fertilization? How much financially could you handle if you chose one of these options?
-Are you prepared to deal with a child with disability?
-Would you ever consider adoption?
-Can you financially support having children?
-Is your marriage strong and rooted firmly on the ROCK?
All these questions are important to discuss and answer before you consider having children. I have known several couples that have needed fertility treatments or opted for artificial methods in their hopes of having a child. I have known several couples that haven't been able to conceive that have adopted children. I had a friend once whose world was rocked with the birth of her son with Down's Syndrome, and a family member born with spina bifida. Our family went through the loss of a miscarriage in October 2008.
All these different variables can already impact your marriage before a child even arrives! When your children get here, how do you feel about:
-Sleeping arrangements?
-Extra help needed around the house or distribution of chores?
-Women working outside the home?
-Childcare?
-How much television your children watch and what's on?
-Public school vs. home school?
-Drinking and smoking? (Hopefully these are a no-no from a health and moral implication)
The other big point is discipline. Discipline will be a foundation for the behaviors that you find acceptable and unacceptable in your children. Many parents take a laid-back approach to parenting and let kids explore and figure things out on their own. They are more interested in being friendly with their children than "training" (Prov. 22:6) them and providing them with a good moral compass. If our children are never exposed to a standard, and in this case, God's standard, then how do we expect them to know what is right and what is wrong?
I'm sure no one wants to see their children grow up and not become Christians. I'm sure no one wants to even fathom their child in a fiery eternity. We must be responsible for teaching our children and leading them in the right way so when they are grown they "will not depart from it"! Here is what the Bible says about discipline...it speaks for itself!
And there's more...just Google "discipline!" A lack of discipline is confusing to a child. A lack of unity about discipline between parents is even more confusing. If a child can manipulate and pit his or her parents against one another...they will! Be unified...it is the greatest gift you can give to your children!
Proverbs 22:6 says "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." So how do children learn "the way they should go"? It should be from the godly examples, training and discipline received from their parents. Paul commended Timothy for his faith that he had observed first in his mother and grandmother. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)
Did you ever wonder if you were ready to have children? Someone once told me that I would never be ready, no matter how much preparation I did because children change your lives forever! It doesn't matter how many parenting books you read, how much advice you receive, or how much help you get...your child is going to rock your world! Even though I do agree with that statement, I do believe that we should be prepared in the type of approach you want to take as a parent.
Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."
When you are considering having children are you thinking:
-Hopefully you both want to have children. Not being committed to this thought together may lead to problems and laziness down the road.
-How many children do you want?
-Are you prepared to deal with miscarriage? Loss of a child?
- What if you have the inability to conceive? How you do feel about artificial methods of conception such as artificial insemination or invitro fertilization? How much financially could you handle if you chose one of these options?
-Are you prepared to deal with a child with disability?
-Would you ever consider adoption?
-Can you financially support having children?
-Is your marriage strong and rooted firmly on the ROCK?
All these questions are important to discuss and answer before you consider having children. I have known several couples that have needed fertility treatments or opted for artificial methods in their hopes of having a child. I have known several couples that haven't been able to conceive that have adopted children. I had a friend once whose world was rocked with the birth of her son with Down's Syndrome, and a family member born with spina bifida. Our family went through the loss of a miscarriage in October 2008.
All these different variables can already impact your marriage before a child even arrives! When your children get here, how do you feel about:
-Sleeping arrangements?
-Extra help needed around the house or distribution of chores?
-Women working outside the home?
-Childcare?
-How much television your children watch and what's on?
-Public school vs. home school?
-Drinking and smoking? (Hopefully these are a no-no from a health and moral implication)
The other big point is discipline. Discipline will be a foundation for the behaviors that you find acceptable and unacceptable in your children. Many parents take a laid-back approach to parenting and let kids explore and figure things out on their own. They are more interested in being friendly with their children than "training" (Prov. 22:6) them and providing them with a good moral compass. If our children are never exposed to a standard, and in this case, God's standard, then how do we expect them to know what is right and what is wrong?
I'm sure no one wants to see their children grow up and not become Christians. I'm sure no one wants to even fathom their child in a fiery eternity. We must be responsible for teaching our children and leading them in the right way so when they are grown they "will not depart from it"! Here is what the Bible says about discipline...it speaks for itself!
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Unity: The Purpose of Marriage
When this blog started, there was a survey that stated "Do you believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment?" It was a unanimous 'yes' from all that responded. So, if so many people believe that marriage should be a once only, forever bond between a man and woman, then how are so many marriages ending in divorce? In the last post, we listed a few things in a marriage that couples MUST be unified in their marriages about or potentially suffer detrimental consequences. In this post, we want to examine how when we enter the bond of marriage that both partners must agree that marriage is a lifetime commitment.
Do you know the difference between a contract and a covenant? Both are serious commitments entered into by multiple parties, and both are enforceable by law. But in the Bible, God chose to enter into a covenant with His people, signifying that a covenant was sacred and nothing to be taken lightly. Breaking a covenant with God doesn't result in a fine and a few negative consequences like breaking a contract. There is no negotiating and no loopholes. It is God's way and His way only!
We should be viewing marriage in the same light. It is sacred for God himself created this covenant relationship between man and woman that was intended to be a lifetime commitment. In Genesis 2, God decided it wasn't good for man to be alone and he created woman. This one man and one woman was the first marriage. God's intentions for marriage are then reiterated in the New Testament by the apostle Matthew.
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6
If you aren't married yet, I suggest that you take time to sit down with your future spouse and have an open and honest conversation on your intentions for marriage. Don't hold back. If one or both of you doubt that you can do what it takes to make a marriage last, then you have some maturing to do. If you want to honor God and His commandments, then you have to be at this point before you take this very monumental step. If you aren't, you are already setting your marriage up for rocky times that may otherwise be avoided. Pray together and ask that God help you both achieve the same mind.
If you are married and you or your spouse have questioned whether or not your marriage can last, don't forget the covenant you made before God. Don't forget your wedding vows that you would care for each other through the ups and downs, sickness and health, better or worse! The "worse" always wants to send people packing! In truth, this is when we should be taking time to draw closer as a couple and to God, even if that seems like the last thing you want to do! King David, in a time of oppression in his life, chose to thank God and praise Him for His consistency in delivering him out of his troubles. He reminds us in Psalm 9:9-10 "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
As a reminder, God has given us only one reason that we can chose to end our marriages. Matthew 19:8-9 says "Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
The disciples questioned on why they should even bother getting married then and Jesus answered"...Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." (Matthew 19:11-12, The Message)
God created marriage that it be enjoyed! He didn't want man to be lonely (Genesis 2:18). God finds favor in marriage as noted in Psalm 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD."
Just remember when you encounter various trials and temptations in your marriage that "...God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) And also that you should "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)
Marriages are going to go through hard times. But if we aim as a couple to keep the covenant that we made with God and with each other, we can increase the presence of godly marriages in this country and decrease a dangerously rising statistic! Resolve or renew today your covenant with your husband or wife to make your marriage last a lifetime as God intended in His grand plan.
Prayer: Dear Lord, help us to have the mindset in marriage that it is a lifetime commitment that we have made to one another in your presence. This covenant is not one to be taken lightly, but with the same seriousness that you regard the importance of marriage. Help us to set good examples to others and to our children of what good, godly marriages should look like.
Do you know the difference between a contract and a covenant? Both are serious commitments entered into by multiple parties, and both are enforceable by law. But in the Bible, God chose to enter into a covenant with His people, signifying that a covenant was sacred and nothing to be taken lightly. Breaking a covenant with God doesn't result in a fine and a few negative consequences like breaking a contract. There is no negotiating and no loopholes. It is God's way and His way only!
We should be viewing marriage in the same light. It is sacred for God himself created this covenant relationship between man and woman that was intended to be a lifetime commitment. In Genesis 2, God decided it wasn't good for man to be alone and he created woman. This one man and one woman was the first marriage. God's intentions for marriage are then reiterated in the New Testament by the apostle Matthew.
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6
If you aren't married yet, I suggest that you take time to sit down with your future spouse and have an open and honest conversation on your intentions for marriage. Don't hold back. If one or both of you doubt that you can do what it takes to make a marriage last, then you have some maturing to do. If you want to honor God and His commandments, then you have to be at this point before you take this very monumental step. If you aren't, you are already setting your marriage up for rocky times that may otherwise be avoided. Pray together and ask that God help you both achieve the same mind.
If you are married and you or your spouse have questioned whether or not your marriage can last, don't forget the covenant you made before God. Don't forget your wedding vows that you would care for each other through the ups and downs, sickness and health, better or worse! The "worse" always wants to send people packing! In truth, this is when we should be taking time to draw closer as a couple and to God, even if that seems like the last thing you want to do! King David, in a time of oppression in his life, chose to thank God and praise Him for His consistency in delivering him out of his troubles. He reminds us in Psalm 9:9-10 "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
As a reminder, God has given us only one reason that we can chose to end our marriages. Matthew 19:8-9 says "Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
The disciples questioned on why they should even bother getting married then and Jesus answered"...Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." (Matthew 19:11-12, The Message)
God created marriage that it be enjoyed! He didn't want man to be lonely (Genesis 2:18). God finds favor in marriage as noted in Psalm 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD."
Just remember when you encounter various trials and temptations in your marriage that "...God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) And also that you should "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)
Marriages are going to go through hard times. But if we aim as a couple to keep the covenant that we made with God and with each other, we can increase the presence of godly marriages in this country and decrease a dangerously rising statistic! Resolve or renew today your covenant with your husband or wife to make your marriage last a lifetime as God intended in His grand plan.
Prayer: Dear Lord, help us to have the mindset in marriage that it is a lifetime commitment that we have made to one another in your presence. This covenant is not one to be taken lightly, but with the same seriousness that you regard the importance of marriage. Help us to set good examples to others and to our children of what good, godly marriages should look like.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Unity
This topic has been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't sure how to approach it until the other day. I think that when you think of marriage, it automatically implies "unity" and yet the divorce rate in our country is so high because somewhere along the way, couples fail to see eye-to-eye, to compromise, and to keep their eye on a common goal. God says...
"If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand." Mark 3:25
I made a list of areas where I think we must be unified, for if not, it stands to do serious damage to your house. I will cover these in general, and then we will study each one more in depth in future posts.
1.) Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Mark 10:9 says "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Many people enter marriage now with "let's see if we can make this work" instead of a "let's MAKE this work" philosophy. Marriage is no longer sacred and unique, but something we can do over and over again as many times as we want to. God is clear that He meant to UNITE a man and woman in marriage forever and they weren't to separate! If this statement wasn't brought out and agreed upon by you and your spouse (or future spouse) when you got married...work to make a commitment together to do what it takes to have a marriage that God intended.
2.) Parenting and discipline. Proverbs 22:6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it." Nathan and I talked extensively about this before we got married. Thank goodness we see eye-to-eye, but yet in the moment, we may still differ. We did make one commitment to one another, that we will at the very least appear unified to our children and hash out our own issues on our own time. We made an agreement to become unified in the raising of our children no matter what! If we don't, it doesn't just harm us, but our children! We want our children to become Christians and we don't want to be their "excuse" for not doing so! "Parent" your children to Heaven!
3.) Finances. Hebrews 13:5 says "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU” . This is the single-most common reason for divorce in the world. Some are too tight and some are too free with their money and neither option is good! God expects us to be good stewards of our money, and usually your spouse does too! We will discuss some strategies to get a good financial plan in place in a future post.
4.) Sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 says "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." A touchy subject, but so true. God made sex to be enjoyed in marriage and if you both aren't committed to meeting each others needs in this area...it can truly harm your marriage! It is important to work together to maintain a healthy sexual relationship because if you don't, your spouse could be tempted to fulfill this need elsewhere. As the verse above says, don't let Satan tempt you!
5.) Religion. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?" It can be a very dangerous thing to be married to someone who doesn't share your same beliefs. It may be someone who doesn't believe at all or just believes differently. This can then send mixed messages to a spouse who wants to drink and the other does not, a spouse who believes in spanking and discipline and the other does not, or a spouse who believes it is okay to be flirtatious with someone of the opposite sex when the other is devoted. If you are what Christ intended a Christian to be, it's not just a religion, but a way of life. Where should your spouse fit in?
I have seen multiple marriages in trouble because of a lack of unity in one or many of these areas. For some, they have been dealing with these problems for years and for some it is just starting. For the ones who stick it out because they "have to" and don't deal with it willingly as God commands, they end up in a miserable relationship with a spouse they barely know. Why would you settle for that? Who wants to be miserable? I truly believe that it is never too late, but it takes a commitment by both spouses and being unified towards a common goal to make it work. If your one goal is Heaven, then how is your marriage glorifying God today? Think about it.
"If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand." Mark 3:25
I made a list of areas where I think we must be unified, for if not, it stands to do serious damage to your house. I will cover these in general, and then we will study each one more in depth in future posts.
1.) Marriage is a lifetime commitment. Mark 10:9 says "Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Many people enter marriage now with "let's see if we can make this work" instead of a "let's MAKE this work" philosophy. Marriage is no longer sacred and unique, but something we can do over and over again as many times as we want to. God is clear that He meant to UNITE a man and woman in marriage forever and they weren't to separate! If this statement wasn't brought out and agreed upon by you and your spouse (or future spouse) when you got married...work to make a commitment together to do what it takes to have a marriage that God intended.
2.) Parenting and discipline. Proverbs 22:6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go,
even when he is old he will not depart from it." Nathan and I talked extensively about this before we got married. Thank goodness we see eye-to-eye, but yet in the moment, we may still differ. We did make one commitment to one another, that we will at the very least appear unified to our children and hash out our own issues on our own time. We made an agreement to become unified in the raising of our children no matter what! If we don't, it doesn't just harm us, but our children! We want our children to become Christians and we don't want to be their "excuse" for not doing so! "Parent" your children to Heaven!
3.) Finances. Hebrews 13:5 says "Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU” . This is the single-most common reason for divorce in the world. Some are too tight and some are too free with their money and neither option is good! God expects us to be good stewards of our money, and usually your spouse does too! We will discuss some strategies to get a good financial plan in place in a future post.
4.) Sex. 1 Corinthians 7:5 says "Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." A touchy subject, but so true. God made sex to be enjoyed in marriage and if you both aren't committed to meeting each others needs in this area...it can truly harm your marriage! It is important to work together to maintain a healthy sexual relationship because if you don't, your spouse could be tempted to fulfill this need elsewhere. As the verse above says, don't let Satan tempt you!
5.) Religion. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?" It can be a very dangerous thing to be married to someone who doesn't share your same beliefs. It may be someone who doesn't believe at all or just believes differently. This can then send mixed messages to a spouse who wants to drink and the other does not, a spouse who believes in spanking and discipline and the other does not, or a spouse who believes it is okay to be flirtatious with someone of the opposite sex when the other is devoted. If you are what Christ intended a Christian to be, it's not just a religion, but a way of life. Where should your spouse fit in?
I have seen multiple marriages in trouble because of a lack of unity in one or many of these areas. For some, they have been dealing with these problems for years and for some it is just starting. For the ones who stick it out because they "have to" and don't deal with it willingly as God commands, they end up in a miserable relationship with a spouse they barely know. Why would you settle for that? Who wants to be miserable? I truly believe that it is never too late, but it takes a commitment by both spouses and being unified towards a common goal to make it work. If your one goal is Heaven, then how is your marriage glorifying God today? Think about it.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Praying Together
When Nathan and I first started dating, we were both very clear that we were looking for a serious relationship and a partner who was serious about Christ. We were living in different states at the time and as we were getting ready to part ways for the first time, Nathan asked if we could pray together. I remember us both feeling very tearful, but our relationship was in God's hands now. I couldn't remember a time before that when I felt more connected with anyone.
Do you realize when you pray with your spouse that you are sharing your most intimate connection with God with the person you are most intimate with on this earth? Doesn't it make sense that those two should go together? "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)
I know the Bible has a lot to say about prayer. But what does the Bible say that is relevant to praying together with your spouse?
God made marriage to be the ONLY earthly relationship to parallel the love that Christ had for the church (Ephesians 5:25). He was so devoted and so loved it that He gave up His life for it. (John 3:16) God is the key! Matthew 6:33 says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." When we seek God first, we will see our relationship flourish!
Too many times we try to accomplish things on our own. We think we know best. When we can't figure it out, we throw our hands up in exasperation or we wait until it has eaten away at so much that sometimes there is very little left of our relationships to recover. Sometimes we think just because God "already knows" that He doesn't want to hear us tell Him what is on our hearts. Just as your spouse yearns for knowledge on how you operate, why you are struggling and what they need to do about it...so does God! God is AVAILABLE and wants to help! "The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6:9)
There are several things on this earth that can form a bond of closeness between two people. Some are mental and some are physical...but may I suggest that the spiritual is most important and will bind you together better than any mind-blowing conversation or sexual experience ever will!
In our relationship, I have noticed an ebb and flow. I can tell when I feel less connected with my husband and it is definitely the times when I feel that our prayer life together is lacking. A spiritual connection with each other is more fulfilling and longer lasting. It can get you through times when a lack of quality or quantity of time exists in your marriage. "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." (Col. 4:2)
A few months ago, I was leading a ladies' bible study. The topic of praying with our husbands came up. I was shocked that ALL the women said they did not pray with their husbands. They had never let their husbands hear their most intimate conversations with the Most High God. These women felt that because their husbands were the leaders of the family that he should be the one to lead a prayer. Yikes! I can understand how many women may feel uncomfortable, but you are NOT praying in a church assembly! You are praying with your husband! Husbands, are you giving your wives the chance? Do you ever ask her to pray when you are alone?
If you are not in the habit of praying together, I suggest a prayer makeover! Here are some things we have tried with great success:
Prayer: Dear Lord, teach us to be better at developing a prayer relationship with you in our marriages. Teach us to open up and bare it all to you, as we want to do with our spouses. Help these experiences bring us more intimately closer to each other, but especially with you.
Do you realize when you pray with your spouse that you are sharing your most intimate connection with God with the person you are most intimate with on this earth? Doesn't it make sense that those two should go together? "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)
I know the Bible has a lot to say about prayer. But what does the Bible say that is relevant to praying together with your spouse?
- Prayer is a direct connection with God who knows all about you! "Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)
- God made the union between you and your spouse so He knows your relationship. (Gen. 1:27-28)
- God can help heal all wounds, mend character flaws, erase sin and give us a spirit of forgiveness. "Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing." (1 Tim. 2:8)
God made marriage to be the ONLY earthly relationship to parallel the love that Christ had for the church (Ephesians 5:25). He was so devoted and so loved it that He gave up His life for it. (John 3:16) God is the key! Matthew 6:33 says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." When we seek God first, we will see our relationship flourish!
Too many times we try to accomplish things on our own. We think we know best. When we can't figure it out, we throw our hands up in exasperation or we wait until it has eaten away at so much that sometimes there is very little left of our relationships to recover. Sometimes we think just because God "already knows" that He doesn't want to hear us tell Him what is on our hearts. Just as your spouse yearns for knowledge on how you operate, why you are struggling and what they need to do about it...so does God! God is AVAILABLE and wants to help! "The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6:9)
There are several things on this earth that can form a bond of closeness between two people. Some are mental and some are physical...but may I suggest that the spiritual is most important and will bind you together better than any mind-blowing conversation or sexual experience ever will!
In our relationship, I have noticed an ebb and flow. I can tell when I feel less connected with my husband and it is definitely the times when I feel that our prayer life together is lacking. A spiritual connection with each other is more fulfilling and longer lasting. It can get you through times when a lack of quality or quantity of time exists in your marriage. "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." (Col. 4:2)
A few months ago, I was leading a ladies' bible study. The topic of praying with our husbands came up. I was shocked that ALL the women said they did not pray with their husbands. They had never let their husbands hear their most intimate conversations with the Most High God. These women felt that because their husbands were the leaders of the family that he should be the one to lead a prayer. Yikes! I can understand how many women may feel uncomfortable, but you are NOT praying in a church assembly! You are praying with your husband! Husbands, are you giving your wives the chance? Do you ever ask her to pray when you are alone?
If you are not in the habit of praying together, I suggest a prayer makeover! Here are some things we have tried with great success:
- Take turns praying in one prayer session.
- Alternate nights of who says a prayer.
- Wives, tell your husband your prayer requests and husbands, tell your wives yours. Then pray out loud for each other. "Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." (Matt. 18:19)
- If something is especially weighing, take turns praying on the topic. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
- Make sure you set aside time when you are both wide awake and go to a quiet place. "The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray." (1 Peter 4:7)
Prayer: Dear Lord, teach us to be better at developing a prayer relationship with you in our marriages. Teach us to open up and bare it all to you, as we want to do with our spouses. Help these experiences bring us more intimately closer to each other, but especially with you.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Fighting Fair...In Front of Your Kids
Our daughter is nineteen months old. She is an absolute sponge. Her vocabulary is astounding. You know why? She pays attention...to EVERYTHING. For us, the realization came one night when I asked Nathan if he had gotten something done and it was answered by a loud "Oh crap!" (Meaning, no, it hadn't gotten done) That was echoed by a small voice saying "oh crap!" GASP! Had she really just said that? Yikes, we thought, we need to be more careful.
There have been handfuls of other incidents like that, too. It may come from an unaware family member, a smart mouthed teenager, or any actor on television. If she hears it, then she is likely to repeat it. So what is my child hearing from my mouth when I am fighting with my spouse?
There are several things about fighting that are liable to rub off on our children in the way they talk, in the way they act and they way they treat others...and that may include someday their future spouse. (Luke 6:31) What do you want to teach your child when you fight with your spouse? There are behaviors we would not want to tolerate from our children so why is it okay for us to act in those ways towards our spouse? If we want to teach our children to "honor" us (Ephesians 6:2) then it starts with us demonstrating behaviors that are deserving of honor!
Some people are of the opinion that children should never hear their parents disagree or argue. May I suggest if your children are never a witness to an argument, then how else are they going to learn how to deal with arguments or disagreements that come up through their lives? From every other source, that's how. It is the responsibility of a parent to teach and instruct their children, and I think it may be the times when we are not actively engaged with our kids (ie., wrapped up in an argument with your spouse) that they learn the most about us. When our children can see us honoring and respecting each other and demonstrating problem solving behaviors, therapists say this is healthy for children to see.
So when we are fighting do you want your children to:
Call names?
Yell and scream?
Hit, punch, bite or slap?
Use profantity or improper gestures?
Intimidate?
Stay angry?
Talk about it with everyone else?
Parents, if you are not demonstrating pure and holy behavior to your children when your emotions are at their highest, then they are going to learn to imitate these behaviors. Remember the Bible tells us to "Be angry and do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). Do you want to teach your children to sin? I'm sure you are shaking your head with a confident "No" right now.
Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." We should not be teaching our children that one is right and one is wrong, but the art of compromise. We should not be teaching our children to take sides, but to honor one another's opinions. Moms, we should be teaching our daughters the concept of godly submission and Dads, the responsibility that comes with being a godly leader in the home.
If things do get out of hand, and as you are human, they surely will at some point, don't just sweep it under the rug. Talk to your children about it, preferably together. Give your children a chance to ask questions, and potentially even tell them ways in which you could have handled things better.
So when those fights do come up, here are some tips:
Keep your voices low. No name calling.
Listen to your spouse. Do not be distracted.
Ask questions. Symphatize.
Don't rush the fight to be over. Give your spouse a chance to express their feelings so things can move to a more neutral place.
Apologize. Kiss and make up.
Remember that parents are the best first teachers and your influence in your home is huge! Don't wait until your children have all the other outside influences on their behavior. Show them honor, problem-solving, and love by the way you treat each other. Hopefully they will grow up appreciating your example and seek to demonstrate the same with their future spouse. Don't forget to see the big picture!
Prayer: Dear Lord, please help us demonstrate godly love to one another when we are fighting with our spouses. Furthermore, help us teach and instruct our children through our behavior and example how to treat each other with respect.
There have been handfuls of other incidents like that, too. It may come from an unaware family member, a smart mouthed teenager, or any actor on television. If she hears it, then she is likely to repeat it. So what is my child hearing from my mouth when I am fighting with my spouse?
There are several things about fighting that are liable to rub off on our children in the way they talk, in the way they act and they way they treat others...and that may include someday their future spouse. (Luke 6:31) What do you want to teach your child when you fight with your spouse? There are behaviors we would not want to tolerate from our children so why is it okay for us to act in those ways towards our spouse? If we want to teach our children to "honor" us (Ephesians 6:2) then it starts with us demonstrating behaviors that are deserving of honor!
Some people are of the opinion that children should never hear their parents disagree or argue. May I suggest if your children are never a witness to an argument, then how else are they going to learn how to deal with arguments or disagreements that come up through their lives? From every other source, that's how. It is the responsibility of a parent to teach and instruct their children, and I think it may be the times when we are not actively engaged with our kids (ie., wrapped up in an argument with your spouse) that they learn the most about us. When our children can see us honoring and respecting each other and demonstrating problem solving behaviors, therapists say this is healthy for children to see.
So when we are fighting do you want your children to:
Call names?
Yell and scream?
Hit, punch, bite or slap?
Use profantity or improper gestures?
Intimidate?
Stay angry?
Talk about it with everyone else?
Parents, if you are not demonstrating pure and holy behavior to your children when your emotions are at their highest, then they are going to learn to imitate these behaviors. Remember the Bible tells us to "Be angry and do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). Do you want to teach your children to sin? I'm sure you are shaking your head with a confident "No" right now.
Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." We should not be teaching our children that one is right and one is wrong, but the art of compromise. We should not be teaching our children to take sides, but to honor one another's opinions. Moms, we should be teaching our daughters the concept of godly submission and Dads, the responsibility that comes with being a godly leader in the home.
If things do get out of hand, and as you are human, they surely will at some point, don't just sweep it under the rug. Talk to your children about it, preferably together. Give your children a chance to ask questions, and potentially even tell them ways in which you could have handled things better.
So when those fights do come up, here are some tips:
Keep your voices low. No name calling.
Listen to your spouse. Do not be distracted.
Ask questions. Symphatize.
Don't rush the fight to be over. Give your spouse a chance to express their feelings so things can move to a more neutral place.
Apologize. Kiss and make up.
Remember that parents are the best first teachers and your influence in your home is huge! Don't wait until your children have all the other outside influences on their behavior. Show them honor, problem-solving, and love by the way you treat each other. Hopefully they will grow up appreciating your example and seek to demonstrate the same with their future spouse. Don't forget to see the big picture!
Prayer: Dear Lord, please help us demonstrate godly love to one another when we are fighting with our spouses. Furthermore, help us teach and instruct our children through our behavior and example how to treat each other with respect.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Fighting Fair #4
As I was sitting in church today, one of the men got up to do the scripture reading. He read from Romans 12 and I excitedly thought...that's it! That's the whole conclusion to "fighting fair." Romans 12 ends with this verse: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (verse 21) You've heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right" before, right? Romans 12:21 tells us exactly how we are to counter a wrong...by overcoming it with good.
So the first three posts dealt with being aware, controlling our tongues, and being willing to make a change. This post deals with the culmination of all of that and the idea behind Romans 12:21:
BE THE BIGGER PERSON.
So many times when we are in the middle of a squabble, it is extremely difficult to back down once blows are being delivered. You both know it is wrong and yet there you are, intentionally hurting the person you love. It is very difficult when you feel personally wronged not to tell your spouse exactly what you think or to try to get back at them for anything hurtful they might have said and/or done along the way. Romans 12:19 disagrees! "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book "Love and Respect" describes what he calls "The Crazy Cycle." He states "When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive." It's like playing a broken record over and over and over and....you get the point. If you find yourself having the same fight over the same thing with the same result...you are probably experiencing "The Crazy Cycle."
So what insight can we gain from Romans 12 to stop this crazy cycle? Romans 12:10 say "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Honor implies to put someone in a distinguished place, to raise them up, or to put them in special esteem. Who requires more honor of anyone else on this earth from us than the person you chose to love and marry? If you love your spouse, you will find a way to work it out! Open your ears to what your spouse is saying to you! If you are devoted to your spouse in love and seek to honor them above what you want for yourself, then you will do everything in your power to meet their needs.
So who has to be the bigger person? Dr. Eggerichs says it is whoever is the most mature to do so. You do not have to wait on your spouse to make positive changes for your marriage. Romans 12:20 says...“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” While we should not consider our spouse "the enemy," in a fight we might be doing just that. The point to gain from Romans 12:20 is that you are there to serve, not to be served. Meet your spouses needs, and you can "overcome evil with good"!
Don't stand by and say "I'm not changing until he/she makes changes first!" Remember that pride and selfishness have no place in marriage. Those negative traits are from Satan and he does NOT belong in your marriage! Wives, the apostle Peter wrote to us to be an example to our husbands that "...they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Pet 3:2-3) Husbands, Peter also wrote to you to tell you to "...be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Pet. 3:7)
I am confident that every couple can have the marriage that they want. You are certainly not going to be able to force your spouse to change. But you CAN change yourself and you can most definitely pray for your spouse. If you both are aware that you both need to change and you are both willing...even better...pray together. There are fewer ways to draw you closer and more intimate than to share your relationship together with the Most High. Remember that HE gave you this relationship and it is meant to be enjoyed! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU SUCCEED!
Prayer: Most High God, help us to win each other over with our behavior. May our spouses only see Christ in us and help us to keep Satan and his snares far away from our marriages. Help us to be stronger and united that we can form marriages that will last and succeed.
Next post will be "Fighting Fair...in front of your Children."
So the first three posts dealt with being aware, controlling our tongues, and being willing to make a change. This post deals with the culmination of all of that and the idea behind Romans 12:21:
BE THE BIGGER PERSON.
So many times when we are in the middle of a squabble, it is extremely difficult to back down once blows are being delivered. You both know it is wrong and yet there you are, intentionally hurting the person you love. It is very difficult when you feel personally wronged not to tell your spouse exactly what you think or to try to get back at them for anything hurtful they might have said and/or done along the way. Romans 12:19 disagrees! "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book "Love and Respect" describes what he calls "The Crazy Cycle." He states "When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive." It's like playing a broken record over and over and over and....you get the point. If you find yourself having the same fight over the same thing with the same result...you are probably experiencing "The Crazy Cycle."
So what insight can we gain from Romans 12 to stop this crazy cycle? Romans 12:10 say "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Honor implies to put someone in a distinguished place, to raise them up, or to put them in special esteem. Who requires more honor of anyone else on this earth from us than the person you chose to love and marry? If you love your spouse, you will find a way to work it out! Open your ears to what your spouse is saying to you! If you are devoted to your spouse in love and seek to honor them above what you want for yourself, then you will do everything in your power to meet their needs.
So who has to be the bigger person? Dr. Eggerichs says it is whoever is the most mature to do so. You do not have to wait on your spouse to make positive changes for your marriage. Romans 12:20 says...“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” While we should not consider our spouse "the enemy," in a fight we might be doing just that. The point to gain from Romans 12:20 is that you are there to serve, not to be served. Meet your spouses needs, and you can "overcome evil with good"!
Don't stand by and say "I'm not changing until he/she makes changes first!" Remember that pride and selfishness have no place in marriage. Those negative traits are from Satan and he does NOT belong in your marriage! Wives, the apostle Peter wrote to us to be an example to our husbands that "...they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Pet 3:2-3) Husbands, Peter also wrote to you to tell you to "...be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Pet. 3:7)
I am confident that every couple can have the marriage that they want. You are certainly not going to be able to force your spouse to change. But you CAN change yourself and you can most definitely pray for your spouse. If you both are aware that you both need to change and you are both willing...even better...pray together. There are fewer ways to draw you closer and more intimate than to share your relationship together with the Most High. Remember that HE gave you this relationship and it is meant to be enjoyed! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU SUCCEED!
Prayer: Most High God, help us to win each other over with our behavior. May our spouses only see Christ in us and help us to keep Satan and his snares far away from our marriages. Help us to be stronger and united that we can form marriages that will last and succeed.
Next post will be "Fighting Fair...in front of your Children."
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Challenge #3
The next time you and your spouse get into an argument, bite your tongue. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself Tell your spouse how you contributed to the negative situation and then apologize. Notice any differences in the way the rest of the situation proceeds.
Fighting Fair #3
So, we have already discussed two steps in learning to "fight fair" with our spouses. While they may be categorized as "steps", we certainly hope that you notice that they are multi-faceted and take a lot of work to function properly.
A comment made by one of our followers and dear friends on our Facebook site was an excellent way to segue way into the next point. She said:
" ...Our main issue in our marriage is communication. We don't have good ways set up to communicate efficiently. The next issue is that we do not as you put it, "Fight Fair." We never have. We just try to up the other and so on. We know we have to work on this to have a stronger marriage. But we don't seem to try to change it..."
So step one was to "be aware." Step two was to "control your tongue/exercise self-control." The third step is:
BE WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE.
We have talked in previous posts about learning to be the bigger person. There is no time more relevant than when we are having a fight to learn that. It is extremely difficult to do because it requires a great deal of humility and 100% sacrifice in your own pride. Pride keeps us from reaching out and loving our spouse like we should. Why do we want to put that stumbling block in our marriages? Remember that 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that ..."love is not proud..." To fight fair is literally to sacrifice yourself for your partner's needs.
So how do you take the steps from wanting to change to actually changing? This was a major struggle in our relationship as there was no change and then much of the change was one-sided for quite some time. First, realize that you cannot change your spouse, no matter how hard you try. The only person you have control of in your relationship is you. If what you want in your relationship is to minimize your fighting, then YOU need to do something about it. It all starts in your own heart.
We heard something the other day that was in regards to someone with an addiction, but it is incredibly relevant to marriage as well. The saying was "Admitting you have a problem is the first step, but also the hardest part because it is the part you have to do alone. Once you've done that then you have a lot of other people who are there to love you and help you." In other words, admitting that fighting is a problem in your marriage is the first part. But then, you can open yourself up to God and to others to help find a solution.
Wives: If you have a hard time finding the balance between airing your thoughts and keeping them to yourselves in a fight, remember that God requires that wives be "submissive to their husbands." (Eph 5:22) The leadership position is not yours. However, God did create you to be a helper to your husband (Gen. 2:18) and there should be some give and take in a relationship, and a place for explaining your thoughts to your husband. Titus 2:5 tells us to be "self-controlled and pure." What's more is that we do not demonstrate respect to our husbands by challenging his authority, his leadership, his abilities, or his character. (Eph. 5:33) The tone and the way we present things will often make a huge difference in the response we get.
Husbands: Do you find yourselves tuning your wives out? What does your body language insinuate to your wife? Does it imply coldness and uncaring, or does it imply warmth and willingness to understand? Wives are experts at picking up on every little detail in what you say, and what you don't. When you aren't a good listener or when you are raising your voice in displeasure to her, it is not communicating love to her (Eph. 5:33). Often, if you listen carefully to your wife, she will be telling you EXACTLY what to do to make her happy! You were probably a good listener when you wanted to win her heart, so don't stop now!
James 1:19 gives us advice that is important for any husband or wife to remember "Know this, my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."
If you are constantly finding yourselves in your marriages in the midst of arguments, then it is probably not a one-sided coin. When our marriage was in its deepest pain, we realized that to make it work, we both had to accept 100% of our contributions to the problem. We would do our marriage no justice if we didn't do this. The next thing was to open it up to each other to see how each of us would like to have certain situations handled. Certain things then became off-limits during fights. Finally, we had to diffuse an argument as quickly as possible. There is no quicker way than saying "I'm sorry" quickly, honestly, and humbly.
Being the bigger person doesn't always mean that you were the "most wrong" one in a situation. It just means that you realize your contribution to a situation and you are going to accept it. Don't turn something that is nothing into something! It is not worth the time and the heartache it will put your marriage through. Learning this takes work...ACTIVE work, not just saying that you will "work on it." Be active in fixing your marriage and you might be surprised at the changes you will see.
Prayer: Father, continue to help us stay away from pitfalls in our marriages that can be damaging. Keep us away from unnecessary fights, and help us to sacrifice 100% of our own pride and learn to be more humble to fight fairly. Help us to actively work on our marriages, and to love and respect each other more.
A comment made by one of our followers and dear friends on our Facebook site was an excellent way to segue way into the next point. She said:
" ...Our main issue in our marriage is communication. We don't have good ways set up to communicate efficiently. The next issue is that we do not as you put it, "Fight Fair." We never have. We just try to up the other and so on. We know we have to work on this to have a stronger marriage. But we don't seem to try to change it..."
So step one was to "be aware." Step two was to "control your tongue/exercise self-control." The third step is:
BE WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE.
We have talked in previous posts about learning to be the bigger person. There is no time more relevant than when we are having a fight to learn that. It is extremely difficult to do because it requires a great deal of humility and 100% sacrifice in your own pride. Pride keeps us from reaching out and loving our spouse like we should. Why do we want to put that stumbling block in our marriages? Remember that 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that ..."love is not proud..." To fight fair is literally to sacrifice yourself for your partner's needs.
So how do you take the steps from wanting to change to actually changing? This was a major struggle in our relationship as there was no change and then much of the change was one-sided for quite some time. First, realize that you cannot change your spouse, no matter how hard you try. The only person you have control of in your relationship is you. If what you want in your relationship is to minimize your fighting, then YOU need to do something about it. It all starts in your own heart.
We heard something the other day that was in regards to someone with an addiction, but it is incredibly relevant to marriage as well. The saying was "Admitting you have a problem is the first step, but also the hardest part because it is the part you have to do alone. Once you've done that then you have a lot of other people who are there to love you and help you." In other words, admitting that fighting is a problem in your marriage is the first part. But then, you can open yourself up to God and to others to help find a solution.
Wives: If you have a hard time finding the balance between airing your thoughts and keeping them to yourselves in a fight, remember that God requires that wives be "submissive to their husbands." (Eph 5:22) The leadership position is not yours. However, God did create you to be a helper to your husband (Gen. 2:18) and there should be some give and take in a relationship, and a place for explaining your thoughts to your husband. Titus 2:5 tells us to be "self-controlled and pure." What's more is that we do not demonstrate respect to our husbands by challenging his authority, his leadership, his abilities, or his character. (Eph. 5:33) The tone and the way we present things will often make a huge difference in the response we get.
Husbands: Do you find yourselves tuning your wives out? What does your body language insinuate to your wife? Does it imply coldness and uncaring, or does it imply warmth and willingness to understand? Wives are experts at picking up on every little detail in what you say, and what you don't. When you aren't a good listener or when you are raising your voice in displeasure to her, it is not communicating love to her (Eph. 5:33). Often, if you listen carefully to your wife, she will be telling you EXACTLY what to do to make her happy! You were probably a good listener when you wanted to win her heart, so don't stop now!
James 1:19 gives us advice that is important for any husband or wife to remember "Know this, my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."
If you are constantly finding yourselves in your marriages in the midst of arguments, then it is probably not a one-sided coin. When our marriage was in its deepest pain, we realized that to make it work, we both had to accept 100% of our contributions to the problem. We would do our marriage no justice if we didn't do this. The next thing was to open it up to each other to see how each of us would like to have certain situations handled. Certain things then became off-limits during fights. Finally, we had to diffuse an argument as quickly as possible. There is no quicker way than saying "I'm sorry" quickly, honestly, and humbly.
Being the bigger person doesn't always mean that you were the "most wrong" one in a situation. It just means that you realize your contribution to a situation and you are going to accept it. Don't turn something that is nothing into something! It is not worth the time and the heartache it will put your marriage through. Learning this takes work...ACTIVE work, not just saying that you will "work on it." Be active in fixing your marriage and you might be surprised at the changes you will see.
Prayer: Father, continue to help us stay away from pitfalls in our marriages that can be damaging. Keep us away from unnecessary fights, and help us to sacrifice 100% of our own pride and learn to be more humble to fight fairly. Help us to actively work on our marriages, and to love and respect each other more.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Fighting Fair #2
We were thinking back somewhat fondly to our premarital counseling and our minister was having us go over question after question of compatibility issues. After hours spent together and thinking that we couldn't be more compatible or more perfect for one another...it happened. It started slowly and then began to escalate. Voices were raised, we moved away from one another, fingers were pointing and then the minister said "Ah, now this is what I have been waiting for." He was waiting for us to fight. Here's why...everyone does it... eventually.
To deny that you will never have a fight in your marriage is ignorance. To deny that some of them will be bad and hurtful is to be oblivious. It is how you handle it when it does come that makes the difference in whether it will make you or break you. So here is tip number two when it comes to fighting fair...
CONTROL YOUR TONGUE.
When the gloves are on and the bell sounds, does a fighter jump in the ring and just start swinging? No! They calculate their opponent's moves and debate where best to begin. Remember, the first step was "being aware." So now it's time to start putting that into action.
When you feel hurt or defensive, it is so easy to say mean and terrible things. That can take a small quarrel or misunderstanding up ten notches really fast! James 3:5 says "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."
So when it comes to fighting fairly, consider these things when controlling your tongue:
1) No yelling
2) No name calling
3) Avoid accusations
4) Don't intentionally try to hurt your spouse's feelings
5) Don't bring up the past unless it's relevant
Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
When we are engaged in conflict with our spouses, the Bible is clear that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths! If we are trying to build up our spouse and benefit them, then it is of utmost importance that we learn self-control when it comes to our tongues. When we demonstrate self-control, we are demonstrating fruits of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) The way we talk to our spouses is a sign that we are walking in the Spirit!
Control the mess before it happens. Don't let the minefield explode and try to pick up the pieces afterward. Think about the way we are NOT demonstrating love to our spouses when we say hurtful things! This is NOT the Bible's definition of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message) says:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
If we want to persevere, if we want love to be patient and kind, if we want love to go to the end, we must attempt to learn to control our tongues when it comes to fighting fairly with our spouses. May God bless your marriages.
Prayer: Father, please help us to learn to better control our tongues when it comes to fighting with our spouses. We know we will not always agree, but may we seek to always glorify you with our talk towards one another. Help us do this Lord so that our marriages will endure until the end.
To deny that you will never have a fight in your marriage is ignorance. To deny that some of them will be bad and hurtful is to be oblivious. It is how you handle it when it does come that makes the difference in whether it will make you or break you. So here is tip number two when it comes to fighting fair...
CONTROL YOUR TONGUE.
When the gloves are on and the bell sounds, does a fighter jump in the ring and just start swinging? No! They calculate their opponent's moves and debate where best to begin. Remember, the first step was "being aware." So now it's time to start putting that into action.
When you feel hurt or defensive, it is so easy to say mean and terrible things. That can take a small quarrel or misunderstanding up ten notches really fast! James 3:5 says "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."
So when it comes to fighting fairly, consider these things when controlling your tongue:
1) No yelling
2) No name calling
3) Avoid accusations
4) Don't intentionally try to hurt your spouse's feelings
5) Don't bring up the past unless it's relevant
Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
When we are engaged in conflict with our spouses, the Bible is clear that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths! If we are trying to build up our spouse and benefit them, then it is of utmost importance that we learn self-control when it comes to our tongues. When we demonstrate self-control, we are demonstrating fruits of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) The way we talk to our spouses is a sign that we are walking in the Spirit!
Control the mess before it happens. Don't let the minefield explode and try to pick up the pieces afterward. Think about the way we are NOT demonstrating love to our spouses when we say hurtful things! This is NOT the Bible's definition of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message) says:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
If we want to persevere, if we want love to be patient and kind, if we want love to go to the end, we must attempt to learn to control our tongues when it comes to fighting fairly with our spouses. May God bless your marriages.
Prayer: Father, please help us to learn to better control our tongues when it comes to fighting with our spouses. We know we will not always agree, but may we seek to always glorify you with our talk towards one another. Help us do this Lord so that our marriages will endure until the end.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Fighting Fair #1
Welcome to our new series of posts on "fighting fair."
Wikipedia's definition of fair fighting says:
Wikipedia's definition of fair fighting says:
Fair fighting is a respectful, structured way of confronting each other on issues that are causing open or hidden conflict. It is a method for handling and resolving the differences of opinion that inevitably occur between spouses or partners. The basic idea is to provide an alternative to “dirty fighting” which uses reciprocal blaming, yelling, accusing and humiliating the other, in order to win or be “right.” It provides a way to support an individual's point of view while recognizing his/her partner’s needs.
A structure is defined as: “agreed upon ground rules for handling differences and conflict well.” Very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussion.
We want to consider this definition as we work through each post. How can we strive to be respectful to one another when we are so mad that all we see is RED? How do we keep from calling names, pushing buttons and deliberately hurting each other? Do we have to win in order for there to be resolution?
When we were going through our premarital counseling, our minister handed us a paper entitled "How to Fight Fair." For years, we kept that posted on our refrigerator to be a reminder to us. However, in the middle of a fight one terrible night, that paper became a casualty of war...into the trash can, never to be seen again. Unfortunately, the paper wasn't enough to undo attitudes, stubbornness, and hot tempers. Only we could do that...with the help of a lot of PRAYER and work!
So we sat down and came up with a list of things that had to happen in order for us to have a chance at fighting fair. Here is the magic number one.
BE AWARE.
If you haven't figured out what triggers your anger in your marriage, may we suggest that you take the time to REALLY think about it. Once a fight has escalated, it is often too hard to go back and simmer it down until it has run its course. By that time, feelings are hurt, tears are shed, pride has commanded the floor, and often there is no real resolution.
We are certain that you are FULLY aware of your spouse's buttons. We both knew exactly what made each other mad. Whether that be not letting something go or walking off, none of it actually solved the problems!
Once you have figured out what angers you, pray. Pray hard. Ask God to help you manage your anger. Ephesians 4:26 tells us "in your anger, do not sin...". If you don't want to sin, learn what makes you angry and take action!
Once you have figured this out, tell your spouse about it. Our conversation went something like this... "Look honey. I know what I struggle with. It really frustrates me when _________________. I have asked God to help me with it and I need your help too. "
When we know what our own weaknesses are and our spouse is also aware, then you can learn to taper down an argument before it even gets out of hand. The next step is being constantly aware in making sure the progress you gain doesn't backslide. With some hard work and dedication to learning to be more aware, you will take the first step in fighting fairer. Good luck!
Prayer: Lord, help us all to be more self-aware of our weaknesses and what angers us in our marriages. Help us to have open communication with our spouses to try to avoid conflict or to keep a conflict from escalating into a big fight. Help us work together in learning to fight fair.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Challenge #2
A recent comment by one of our followers and dear friends got us thinking. You can't make loving your spouse such a chore that you forget to show them you love them and that you enjoy being with them!
Demonstrating unconditional love. We couldn't put it any better if we tried than the challenge put forth in "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.
Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse- something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your CHOICE and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.
Demonstrating love doesn't always have to be time consuming, but it should come from the heart! Remember that no one FORCED you to get married, it was your decision and you can choose to love your spouse unconditionally.
If you and/or your spouse is taking part in these challenges, we would love to see comments on how this turned out for you! Good luck and God bless your marriages.
Demonstrating unconditional love. We couldn't put it any better if we tried than the challenge put forth in "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.
Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse- something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your CHOICE and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.
Demonstrating love doesn't always have to be time consuming, but it should come from the heart! Remember that no one FORCED you to get married, it was your decision and you can choose to love your spouse unconditionally.
If you and/or your spouse is taking part in these challenges, we would love to see comments on how this turned out for you! Good luck and God bless your marriages.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Perfection
I am a perfectionist. I love to get things done in a quick and organized manner. I love even more to have a gleaming finished product. I'm talking anything and everything from work to my house. I never realized how much it spilled over into my relationships, specifically in my marriage.
When Nathan and I were engaged, my mom told him that I had high expectations, and he said he was aware of that. We had many conversations over our long distance dating that spelled out exactly what each of us was looking for in a mate. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, right? Well, let's just say easier said than done! I think anyone who has been married for any significant period of time would back me up on that one!
What I didn't realize that my expectations weren't just high, but they were nearly impossible. But he knew that getting into this, right? But what I ended up with was disappointment after disappointment. Finally, one day when I was venting to my mother about how things were going she said "Koren, if you expect Nathan to be perfect, then you will never be satisfied. He is human, give him some room to make mistakes."
Wow, what a powerful statement. It is such an obvious statement, but one that I was completely overlooking. I never let Nathan off the hook for anything! BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING HIMSELF INTO, RIGHT???? I unfortunately realized that there was some selfishness and pride rooted deep into my inability to settle for anything less than perfect. Man, is that humbling. I don't know that she expected for that statement to have that effect on me, but it has definitely stuck with me.
There has only been ONE perfect person EVER, and that is Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."
Here are the three conclusions that I came to when meditating on this thought:
1) I need to cut myself some slack. I really didn't have a good reason to need things to be so perfect except it was just my preference. All the pressure on myself and on my husband was causing me a lot of stress. I don't particularly enjoy stress so why was I allowing myself to create that kind of environment for myself and others? When I started to learn to let go a little bit, then I found there was a whole lot less to worry about! Matthew 6:27 says "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
2) I need to cut my husband some slack. My husband is not Jesus! He is not perfect! Then why on earth was I expecting him to be? My unfair expectations were straining our relationship. When it comes to housework, we have assigned chores now. When it comes to problem solving, we sit down and talk it out. There is a lot of positive to having two heads involved in a marriage, in parenting, and in spiritual things! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I should not be a downer to my husband when we are in this together!
3) While neither of us may be perfect and neither of us is Jesus, if we TRY to be perfect like him, it will greatly improved our marriage. It really all does come down to making God and Jesus the head of your relationship! Read Ephesians 5:21-30. This tells us exactly why our marriages should emulate Christ! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church! Wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord! If we are striving to be like Christ and be the wives and husbands that he describes...then we WILL meet each others expectations.
When I stopped trying to make everything around me perfect, the whole world opened up! I wasn't experiencing disappointment, but freedom! Freedom to let things be "just okay." Freedom to make mistakes. Freedom to try harder to serve Christ by serving my husband.
Instead of tearing down my husband with harsh words due to my unfair expectations, I strive to build him up by acknowledging the things he does do, is capable of, and wants to be. Respecting my husbands imperfections helps to make our marriage stronger.
What can you find about your spouse that you can let go of today?
Prayer: Lord, thank you so much for showing me that Jesus is the only perfect person that has ever been on this earth. Don't let my expectations become too burdensome to myself and especially to my husband in our marriage. Please help us all to let go of the things that are not important to make our marriages stronger.
When Nathan and I were engaged, my mom told him that I had high expectations, and he said he was aware of that. We had many conversations over our long distance dating that spelled out exactly what each of us was looking for in a mate. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, right? Well, let's just say easier said than done! I think anyone who has been married for any significant period of time would back me up on that one!
What I didn't realize that my expectations weren't just high, but they were nearly impossible. But he knew that getting into this, right? But what I ended up with was disappointment after disappointment. Finally, one day when I was venting to my mother about how things were going she said "Koren, if you expect Nathan to be perfect, then you will never be satisfied. He is human, give him some room to make mistakes."
Wow, what a powerful statement. It is such an obvious statement, but one that I was completely overlooking. I never let Nathan off the hook for anything! BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING HIMSELF INTO, RIGHT???? I unfortunately realized that there was some selfishness and pride rooted deep into my inability to settle for anything less than perfect. Man, is that humbling. I don't know that she expected for that statement to have that effect on me, but it has definitely stuck with me.
There has only been ONE perfect person EVER, and that is Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."
Here are the three conclusions that I came to when meditating on this thought:
1) I need to cut myself some slack. I really didn't have a good reason to need things to be so perfect except it was just my preference. All the pressure on myself and on my husband was causing me a lot of stress. I don't particularly enjoy stress so why was I allowing myself to create that kind of environment for myself and others? When I started to learn to let go a little bit, then I found there was a whole lot less to worry about! Matthew 6:27 says "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
2) I need to cut my husband some slack. My husband is not Jesus! He is not perfect! Then why on earth was I expecting him to be? My unfair expectations were straining our relationship. When it comes to housework, we have assigned chores now. When it comes to problem solving, we sit down and talk it out. There is a lot of positive to having two heads involved in a marriage, in parenting, and in spiritual things! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I should not be a downer to my husband when we are in this together!
3) While neither of us may be perfect and neither of us is Jesus, if we TRY to be perfect like him, it will greatly improved our marriage. It really all does come down to making God and Jesus the head of your relationship! Read Ephesians 5:21-30. This tells us exactly why our marriages should emulate Christ! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church! Wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord! If we are striving to be like Christ and be the wives and husbands that he describes...then we WILL meet each others expectations.
When I stopped trying to make everything around me perfect, the whole world opened up! I wasn't experiencing disappointment, but freedom! Freedom to let things be "just okay." Freedom to make mistakes. Freedom to try harder to serve Christ by serving my husband.
Instead of tearing down my husband with harsh words due to my unfair expectations, I strive to build him up by acknowledging the things he does do, is capable of, and wants to be. Respecting my husbands imperfections helps to make our marriage stronger.
What can you find about your spouse that you can let go of today?
Prayer: Lord, thank you so much for showing me that Jesus is the only perfect person that has ever been on this earth. Don't let my expectations become too burdensome to myself and especially to my husband in our marriage. Please help us all to let go of the things that are not important to make our marriages stronger.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Affection
If you asked a woman to describe how she wants a man to talk to her and treat her, she would probably use the word "affectionately." Women are wired very differently from men in this way. Men are more physically stimulated by touching and visual stimulation. Men are often more sexual in nature. Women, on the other hand, are more emotional. They long for sweet nothings and tender touches.
Women need affection for affirmation of their husbands' feelings. Affection cultivates the environment of the relationship. They need to hear your love for and devotion to them. And for men, it the is gateway to intimacy with his wife. As a man, I have a hard time doing that.
When your wife says "How do I look?," she is not looking for a "fine." She is looking for positive words that will help her self image. A woman is constantly wanting to make sure that her husband finds her attractive. It is our job as husbands to reaffirm to our wives that we do find her attractive and we still have a desire for her.
Song of Solomon 4:1-4 says:
"You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful,
and your dove eyes are veiled
By your hair as it flows and shimmers,
like a flock of goats in the distance
streaming down a hillside in the sunshine.
Your smile is generous and full—
expressive and strong and clean.
Your lips are jewel red,
your mouth elegant and inviting,
your veiled cheeks soft and radiant.
The smooth, lithe lines of your neck
command notice—all heads turn in awe and admiration!"
(The Message)
What lessons we can learn from Solomon! How many of us talk to our wives like that? When our kids come home from school and we say "How was your day?" we definitely don't want to hear just "fine" out of them! Then why is it okay not to compliment our wives?
On the same token, wives, your husbands need to hear positive words of affirmation. We want to know that you look up to us, that you need us, that you find us attractive and that you are interested.
Solomon has something to say about that too! Song of Solomon 5:10-15 says:
"My dear lover glows with health—
red-blooded, radiant!
He's one in a million.
There's no one quite like him!
My golden one, pure and untarnished,
with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.
His eyes are like doves, soft and bright,
but deep-set, brimming with meaning, like wells of water.
His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,
His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.
Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin,
quiet and beautiful.
His torso is the work of a sculptor,
hard and smooth as ivory.
He stands tall, like a cedar,
strong and deep-rooted,
A rugged mountain of a man,
aromatic with wood and stone."
(The Message)
Song of Solomon 5:16 summarizes my point... "His words are kisses, his kisses words. Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!" (The Message)
Husbands and wives...never underestimate the power of kind and edifying words to one another. They are the foundation of your relationship and will lead to the next step in affection...physical touch.
Husbands, one thing I've learned in my marriage is that sexual advances are not a substitute for affectionate touch! Affectionate touching such as; holding my wife's hand, caressing my wife's hair, giving a back rub, or cuddling on the couch while watching television is just as important, if not more so, than any other interaction between a husband and wife. This kind of affection makes my wife feel closer to me and makes us feel more connected as a couple on an emotionally intimate level. When your wife feels more connected to you emotionally, then she will connect with you more physically.
When you are not connected emotionally to your spouse, this opens you up for several dangers in your relationship. These could be isolation from one another, animosity, frustration, or as severe as a potential affair. Husbands, if you are not meeting the emotional needs of your wife, be very aware that this opens your relationship to others filling that position. Wives, on the same token, be sure to fulfill your husbands physical needs, or the same danger exists.
1 Corinthians 7:3 says "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband." (NASB)
1 Corinthians 7:4 reminds us that our bodies are no longer our own and 1 Corinthians 7:5 reminds us that Satan will tempt us if we do not fulfill each others needs!
Husbands, don't underestimate or dismiss the power that affectionate words and touch can have in your relationship. Gary Chapman in the "Love Language Minute Devotional" says "When we marry, our bodies are no longer just our own. We can use touch as a gift to each other. Remember, love is about seeking to meet your spouse's needs and not your own. You don't touch because it feels comfortable to you, but because it communicates love to your beloved." It may take some work (or a lot of work), but it is worth the effort for a more fulfilling relationship.
Prayer: Father, I thank you for the love that you show me and I pray that you help me show my wife that I love her through demonstrating affection by my words and touch. Please help anyone that this does not come natural to, to get outside their comfort zone so they may communicate affection to their spouse. Help us all to create a more emotionally fulfilling relationship with one another.
Women need affection for affirmation of their husbands' feelings. Affection cultivates the environment of the relationship. They need to hear your love for and devotion to them. And for men, it the is gateway to intimacy with his wife. As a man, I have a hard time doing that.
When your wife says "How do I look?," she is not looking for a "fine." She is looking for positive words that will help her self image. A woman is constantly wanting to make sure that her husband finds her attractive. It is our job as husbands to reaffirm to our wives that we do find her attractive and we still have a desire for her.
Song of Solomon 4:1-4 says:
"You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful,
and your dove eyes are veiled
By your hair as it flows and shimmers,
like a flock of goats in the distance
streaming down a hillside in the sunshine.
Your smile is generous and full—
expressive and strong and clean.
Your lips are jewel red,
your mouth elegant and inviting,
your veiled cheeks soft and radiant.
The smooth, lithe lines of your neck
command notice—all heads turn in awe and admiration!"
(The Message)
What lessons we can learn from Solomon! How many of us talk to our wives like that? When our kids come home from school and we say "How was your day?" we definitely don't want to hear just "fine" out of them! Then why is it okay not to compliment our wives?
On the same token, wives, your husbands need to hear positive words of affirmation. We want to know that you look up to us, that you need us, that you find us attractive and that you are interested.
Solomon has something to say about that too! Song of Solomon 5:10-15 says:
"My dear lover glows with health—
red-blooded, radiant!
He's one in a million.
There's no one quite like him!
My golden one, pure and untarnished,
with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.
His eyes are like doves, soft and bright,
but deep-set, brimming with meaning, like wells of water.
His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,
His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.
Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin,
quiet and beautiful.
His torso is the work of a sculptor,
hard and smooth as ivory.
He stands tall, like a cedar,
strong and deep-rooted,
A rugged mountain of a man,
aromatic with wood and stone."
(The Message)
Song of Solomon 5:16 summarizes my point... "His words are kisses, his kisses words. Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!" (The Message)
Husbands and wives...never underestimate the power of kind and edifying words to one another. They are the foundation of your relationship and will lead to the next step in affection...physical touch.
Husbands, one thing I've learned in my marriage is that sexual advances are not a substitute for affectionate touch! Affectionate touching such as; holding my wife's hand, caressing my wife's hair, giving a back rub, or cuddling on the couch while watching television is just as important, if not more so, than any other interaction between a husband and wife. This kind of affection makes my wife feel closer to me and makes us feel more connected as a couple on an emotionally intimate level. When your wife feels more connected to you emotionally, then she will connect with you more physically.
When you are not connected emotionally to your spouse, this opens you up for several dangers in your relationship. These could be isolation from one another, animosity, frustration, or as severe as a potential affair. Husbands, if you are not meeting the emotional needs of your wife, be very aware that this opens your relationship to others filling that position. Wives, on the same token, be sure to fulfill your husbands physical needs, or the same danger exists.
1 Corinthians 7:3 says "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband." (NASB)
1 Corinthians 7:4 reminds us that our bodies are no longer our own and 1 Corinthians 7:5 reminds us that Satan will tempt us if we do not fulfill each others needs!
Husbands, don't underestimate or dismiss the power that affectionate words and touch can have in your relationship. Gary Chapman in the "Love Language Minute Devotional" says "When we marry, our bodies are no longer just our own. We can use touch as a gift to each other. Remember, love is about seeking to meet your spouse's needs and not your own. You don't touch because it feels comfortable to you, but because it communicates love to your beloved." It may take some work (or a lot of work), but it is worth the effort for a more fulfilling relationship.
Prayer: Father, I thank you for the love that you show me and I pray that you help me show my wife that I love her through demonstrating affection by my words and touch. Please help anyone that this does not come natural to, to get outside their comfort zone so they may communicate affection to their spouse. Help us all to create a more emotionally fulfilling relationship with one another.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Respect
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)
Isn't it interesting that the Bible doesn't command wives to love their husbands? I think that is because emotionality and feelings come very easy for a wife. We think to ourselves, "if I just love him more, then he will change." Love usually isn't an issue, your husband knows that you love him, but there is still a lacking piece.
As I have mentioned before, Nathan and I were very blessed when someone suggested we read Emerson Eggerich's book "Love and Respect." I had already pondered the thoughts behind Ephesians 5:33, but this book called me out on my disrespect time and time again. On one hand, I was relieved to realize that I wasn't the only woman who struggled with this concept, but on the other hand, I cried thinking "This is so me!" through example after example of ways we can disrespect our husbands.
I remember my father talking to me about respect when I was younger. He would tell me that my behavior or my facial expressions or the tone of my voice was disrespectful. I'm sure I just rolled my eyes as a teenager, as this concept held very little value for me at the time. Then, as my husband and I were working through troubles in our marriage and he told me how important respect was to him, I began to see that I had A LOT of work to do.
There are many ways we can demonstrate respect our husbands. I remember in a ladies' bible study we had last year that the discussion leader said "Find out what your husband likes and try to make sure you do that for him regularly. If he likes a hot meal or a clean house, make an effort to show you respect his desires." I found out that Nathan really likes to have a hot, home-cooked meal on the table at a decent time and we have made a significant effort to make sure this is a part of our marriage on a regular basis.
We can show respect for his time and hard work. For many of us, our husbands are the main breadwinners in the family. They work long, hard hours so that we mothers can spend time at home with our children. Mothers have a hard job to do all day too! When our husband comes home, exhausted from work, we want him to take the kids and give us time for ourselves! But what he wants is to sit and unwind. We have often had to compromise in this area. I don't want to downplay the effort he has had to put in at work all day and make him feel that his contribution doesn't matter and that mine is the only important one that makes our house function! (Proverbs 22:29)
We can make ourselves available to our husbands on an intimate level. While I by no means want to launch into a graphic description, I do think it is an important thing that many people skip over because it is uncomfortable to talk about. It is unfair to withhold being intimate to your husband as a punishment or to let this area of your relationship slack. If your husband begins to think that you won't put an effort into this significant part of a relationship, he may begin to feel that you don't care about what he thinks or feels. When a woman withholds intimacy from a man, the man will in turn not give the woman the love she desires! (1 Corinthians 7:5)
We can watch our tone and facial expressions as we talk or fight. I know that Nathan and I have had SEVERAL discussions about the tone in which we present things with. Some things that are meant to be harmless can quickly escalate into a full-on fight without it ever meaning to! Being snippy or harsh with your tone is a really quick way to demonstrate to your husband that you don't respect what he says. (Proverbs 15:1)
We can listen when he has something to share. This can be challenging at times when our attention is divided, especially once you have children. Your husband might be sharing something with you from his day, and if we don't listen it shows him that we don't care what he has to say. He may just quit sharing things with you if you keep up this destructive kind of behavior! (James 1:19)
A lack of respect in a marriage can be extremely detrimental! Since the husband is supposed to be the head of the household or the leader in your relationship, his position warrants respect. Take time today and ask your husband how important respect is to him and how you can demonstrate respect to him...or take it a step further and ask how you do NOT demonstrate respect to him. Pray that God will give you the ability to show your husband the respect he deserves!
Some of you may be saying..."my husband doesn't deserve my respect!" Well, if you are a Christian and you know what God says about marriage and the role between husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22), then I beg you to change this attitude! I try to reflect daily on things that I respect about Nathan and make sure that I share it with him. When he feels that he is respected and I am confident in his ability to lead this family, then I notice a huge difference in his willingness to fulfill his headship responsibilities. Try it...it can only lead to good things!
Prayer:Thank you Lord for giving me a greater respect for my husband and his contribution to our marriage. Please help all wives not to tear down their husbands by their disrespectful behaviors, but instead to encourage them by our chaste and reverent behavior (1 Peter 3:2).
Isn't it interesting that the Bible doesn't command wives to love their husbands? I think that is because emotionality and feelings come very easy for a wife. We think to ourselves, "if I just love him more, then he will change." Love usually isn't an issue, your husband knows that you love him, but there is still a lacking piece.
As I have mentioned before, Nathan and I were very blessed when someone suggested we read Emerson Eggerich's book "Love and Respect." I had already pondered the thoughts behind Ephesians 5:33, but this book called me out on my disrespect time and time again. On one hand, I was relieved to realize that I wasn't the only woman who struggled with this concept, but on the other hand, I cried thinking "This is so me!" through example after example of ways we can disrespect our husbands.
I remember my father talking to me about respect when I was younger. He would tell me that my behavior or my facial expressions or the tone of my voice was disrespectful. I'm sure I just rolled my eyes as a teenager, as this concept held very little value for me at the time. Then, as my husband and I were working through troubles in our marriage and he told me how important respect was to him, I began to see that I had A LOT of work to do.
There are many ways we can demonstrate respect our husbands. I remember in a ladies' bible study we had last year that the discussion leader said "Find out what your husband likes and try to make sure you do that for him regularly. If he likes a hot meal or a clean house, make an effort to show you respect his desires." I found out that Nathan really likes to have a hot, home-cooked meal on the table at a decent time and we have made a significant effort to make sure this is a part of our marriage on a regular basis.
We can show respect for his time and hard work. For many of us, our husbands are the main breadwinners in the family. They work long, hard hours so that we mothers can spend time at home with our children. Mothers have a hard job to do all day too! When our husband comes home, exhausted from work, we want him to take the kids and give us time for ourselves! But what he wants is to sit and unwind. We have often had to compromise in this area. I don't want to downplay the effort he has had to put in at work all day and make him feel that his contribution doesn't matter and that mine is the only important one that makes our house function! (Proverbs 22:29)
We can make ourselves available to our husbands on an intimate level. While I by no means want to launch into a graphic description, I do think it is an important thing that many people skip over because it is uncomfortable to talk about. It is unfair to withhold being intimate to your husband as a punishment or to let this area of your relationship slack. If your husband begins to think that you won't put an effort into this significant part of a relationship, he may begin to feel that you don't care about what he thinks or feels. When a woman withholds intimacy from a man, the man will in turn not give the woman the love she desires! (1 Corinthians 7:5)
We can watch our tone and facial expressions as we talk or fight. I know that Nathan and I have had SEVERAL discussions about the tone in which we present things with. Some things that are meant to be harmless can quickly escalate into a full-on fight without it ever meaning to! Being snippy or harsh with your tone is a really quick way to demonstrate to your husband that you don't respect what he says. (Proverbs 15:1)
We can listen when he has something to share. This can be challenging at times when our attention is divided, especially once you have children. Your husband might be sharing something with you from his day, and if we don't listen it shows him that we don't care what he has to say. He may just quit sharing things with you if you keep up this destructive kind of behavior! (James 1:19)
A lack of respect in a marriage can be extremely detrimental! Since the husband is supposed to be the head of the household or the leader in your relationship, his position warrants respect. Take time today and ask your husband how important respect is to him and how you can demonstrate respect to him...or take it a step further and ask how you do NOT demonstrate respect to him. Pray that God will give you the ability to show your husband the respect he deserves!
Some of you may be saying..."my husband doesn't deserve my respect!" Well, if you are a Christian and you know what God says about marriage and the role between husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22), then I beg you to change this attitude! I try to reflect daily on things that I respect about Nathan and make sure that I share it with him. When he feels that he is respected and I am confident in his ability to lead this family, then I notice a huge difference in his willingness to fulfill his headship responsibilities. Try it...it can only lead to good things!
Prayer:Thank you Lord for giving me a greater respect for my husband and his contribution to our marriage. Please help all wives not to tear down their husbands by their disrespectful behaviors, but instead to encourage them by our chaste and reverent behavior (1 Peter 3:2).
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Honesty
If you had to ask married couples what they feel one of the foundations of a marriage should be or what quality they feel would be most important in a mate, I think honesty/trustworthiness would definitely be among most men and women's top traits. When you say your marriage vows, you make a promise to your mate and they take you at your word. We promise to take care of them, provide for them, protect them, and then being human gets in the way. We create situations in our marriage where our spouse doesn't feel provided for, or protected, or taken care of, or loved and they feel that we have let them down and our promises are no longer valid.
In the book "His Needs, Her Needs," Dr.Willard Harley, Jr. says "Whenever and wherever your mate asks you how you feel, tell the truth. It is foolish to lie out of fear that you will hurt your spouse's feelings (or possibly hurt your own pride). Your mate has a right to your innermost thoughts. Your mate should know you better than anyone else in the world- even your parents."
Dr.Harley goes on to say that a man may lie for several reasons:
1.) He lies chronically from an early age.
2.) He wants to avoid trouble.
3.) He thinks the truth might be too much for his wife.
I am guilty of all of these things in my marriage. Dishonesty was a wrecking ball in my marriage. When I was younger, I was wild. I tried to hide these things from my parents so the easiest way to "hide" it was not to tell them the truth. As I got older, I continued to be dishonest about things in my life. When I got married, I told myself that I was going to be different. I was going to be a man of my word. It worked for a very little while, but I was also lazy. I didn't have a job for about the first three months of our marriage. All I did was sit around the apartment playing games on my computer, watching TV and doing nothing constructive. When my wife came home after working all day, I didn't even have dinner ready for her. When she would ask me what I did all day, I would "bend" the truth or just flat out lie to her because deep down, I knew I had no excuse and didn't want to fight with her about it.
Over the course of the next few years of marriage, the dishonesty became more and more abundant in our marriage. It was all from me. I'd been doing it for so long that it was almost second nature for me. As I sit here typing this and thinking back on all of it, it almost makes me sick to my stomach.
Well, the one thing about being dishonest is that the more lies you tell, the more lies you have to come up with to cover up for the ones you've already told. I had put my marriage on the line with my dishonesty. I had put myself above my wife and my daughter. I had put myself above my God. There was so much dishonesty now that I feared my wife couldn't handle it.
As with all situations that are filled with bad things, it finally came to a head. Because of my dishonesty, I've put my marriage in place that it never had to go. But, thank God, I had not lost all of my conscience. This began to produce a deep and profound feeling of guilt. If I wanted my marriage to have a chance, I knew what I had to do.
Dishonesty and lying are parasites that eat away at the very core of a marriage. No one, especially a Christian, should be dishonest. Lies are from Satan himself.
"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44
God hates lies, but when we see the error in our ways, we repent, we ask for forgiveness and we are truthful, we are set free from hold that lies can take on our lives.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
I spent a lot of time praying for strength and for courage to undo what my dishonesty had done. I finally began to break the walls down around me that I had put up so my wife couldn't really see what was inside of me. I did something that I had not done very often... I began to be honest. I confessed my dishonesty to her. Over the course of a couple of weeks, I was able to tell her more and more. It broke her heart and there were many tears shed on both sides.
During all of this, I began noticing something. I began feeling less and less guilty. I began feeling more and more peaceful. I didn't know how it would all play out, but I did know that I was doing the right thing for once in my life. I spent many hours talking to God. I knew in my heart that I was forgiven by Him for all of my transgressions. The Bible says " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)."
The two questions I still had were: would my wife forgive me and how would I ever rebuild her trust in me? When "two are to become one" (Mark 10:8) and I refuse to share with my wife, then we really aren't one, are we? Her distrust of me hurt her sense of security. I didn't know where or how to start, but I knew one thing... I was going to do all that I could to save my marriage.
I took some of the following steps to begin the healing process. Let me just say that it is an ongoing process and by no means a quick fix if you find yourself in this situation.
-Pray. Pray. Pray. "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thess. 5:17)
-Study the standard of truth that God expects. "The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy." (Proverbs 12:19)
-Don't do anything that you would want to lie about. "In the way of righteousness there is life; along that path is immortality." (Proverbs 12:28)
-Learn from your mistakes. "These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!"(1 Corinthians 10:11-12)
-Remember that I love my wife and I am committed to our marriage. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (Proverbs 31:10-11)
Honesty and trust are at the core of a marriage. I can't undo all the things that I have done, but I can move forward with a clear conscience, knowing that my wife has given me an undeserved chance to rebuild. By keeping God first, knowing that He is the truth, and following His standard of truth, I can put all dishonesty away for good. In that process, my wife can see that I am worthy of regaining her trust.
No marriage can survive with dishonesty in it, no matter what the reason. Make it a point to do what is right and truthful. There is nothing worth being dishonest over. Yes, the truth can hurt sometimes, but a lie will grow and grow until it consumes everything in a marriage. Truth is essential for unity.
Prayer: Lord, I thank you for the examples of truth that you have shown me in the Bible. May anyone reading this that has dishonesty in their character or marriage be given the strength to correct it and may their marriages be rebuilt on honesty.
In the book "His Needs, Her Needs," Dr.Willard Harley, Jr. says "Whenever and wherever your mate asks you how you feel, tell the truth. It is foolish to lie out of fear that you will hurt your spouse's feelings (or possibly hurt your own pride). Your mate has a right to your innermost thoughts. Your mate should know you better than anyone else in the world- even your parents."
Dr.Harley goes on to say that a man may lie for several reasons:
1.) He lies chronically from an early age.
2.) He wants to avoid trouble.
3.) He thinks the truth might be too much for his wife.
I am guilty of all of these things in my marriage. Dishonesty was a wrecking ball in my marriage. When I was younger, I was wild. I tried to hide these things from my parents so the easiest way to "hide" it was not to tell them the truth. As I got older, I continued to be dishonest about things in my life. When I got married, I told myself that I was going to be different. I was going to be a man of my word. It worked for a very little while, but I was also lazy. I didn't have a job for about the first three months of our marriage. All I did was sit around the apartment playing games on my computer, watching TV and doing nothing constructive. When my wife came home after working all day, I didn't even have dinner ready for her. When she would ask me what I did all day, I would "bend" the truth or just flat out lie to her because deep down, I knew I had no excuse and didn't want to fight with her about it.
Over the course of the next few years of marriage, the dishonesty became more and more abundant in our marriage. It was all from me. I'd been doing it for so long that it was almost second nature for me. As I sit here typing this and thinking back on all of it, it almost makes me sick to my stomach.
Well, the one thing about being dishonest is that the more lies you tell, the more lies you have to come up with to cover up for the ones you've already told. I had put my marriage on the line with my dishonesty. I had put myself above my wife and my daughter. I had put myself above my God. There was so much dishonesty now that I feared my wife couldn't handle it.
As with all situations that are filled with bad things, it finally came to a head. Because of my dishonesty, I've put my marriage in place that it never had to go. But, thank God, I had not lost all of my conscience. This began to produce a deep and profound feeling of guilt. If I wanted my marriage to have a chance, I knew what I had to do.
Dishonesty and lying are parasites that eat away at the very core of a marriage. No one, especially a Christian, should be dishonest. Lies are from Satan himself.
"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44
God hates lies, but when we see the error in our ways, we repent, we ask for forgiveness and we are truthful, we are set free from hold that lies can take on our lives.
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
I spent a lot of time praying for strength and for courage to undo what my dishonesty had done. I finally began to break the walls down around me that I had put up so my wife couldn't really see what was inside of me. I did something that I had not done very often... I began to be honest. I confessed my dishonesty to her. Over the course of a couple of weeks, I was able to tell her more and more. It broke her heart and there were many tears shed on both sides.
During all of this, I began noticing something. I began feeling less and less guilty. I began feeling more and more peaceful. I didn't know how it would all play out, but I did know that I was doing the right thing for once in my life. I spent many hours talking to God. I knew in my heart that I was forgiven by Him for all of my transgressions. The Bible says " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)."
The two questions I still had were: would my wife forgive me and how would I ever rebuild her trust in me? When "two are to become one" (Mark 10:8) and I refuse to share with my wife, then we really aren't one, are we? Her distrust of me hurt her sense of security. I didn't know where or how to start, but I knew one thing... I was going to do all that I could to save my marriage.
I took some of the following steps to begin the healing process. Let me just say that it is an ongoing process and by no means a quick fix if you find yourself in this situation.
-Pray. Pray. Pray. "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thess. 5:17)
-Study the standard of truth that God expects. "The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy." (Proverbs 12:19)
-Don't do anything that you would want to lie about. "In the way of righteousness there is life; along that path is immortality." (Proverbs 12:28)
-Learn from your mistakes. "These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!"(1 Corinthians 10:11-12)
-Remember that I love my wife and I am committed to our marriage. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (Proverbs 31:10-11)
Honesty and trust are at the core of a marriage. I can't undo all the things that I have done, but I can move forward with a clear conscience, knowing that my wife has given me an undeserved chance to rebuild. By keeping God first, knowing that He is the truth, and following His standard of truth, I can put all dishonesty away for good. In that process, my wife can see that I am worthy of regaining her trust.
No marriage can survive with dishonesty in it, no matter what the reason. Make it a point to do what is right and truthful. There is nothing worth being dishonest over. Yes, the truth can hurt sometimes, but a lie will grow and grow until it consumes everything in a marriage. Truth is essential for unity.
Prayer: Lord, I thank you for the examples of truth that you have shown me in the Bible. May anyone reading this that has dishonesty in their character or marriage be given the strength to correct it and may their marriages be rebuilt on honesty.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Challenge #1
I want to challenge you today to pray for marriage. Not just your own, but others as well. The response from the launch of this blog has been absolutely overwhelming. There have been lots of success stories from people who have seen dark times and made it through, but there are many others living in those times now that desperately need prayers.
"Thank you Lord for teaching us how to make You the center of our marriage. Humble us to grow beyond our ego, pride and past hurts. Help us to establish and grow the love Christ in us to show each other kindness, trust, patience, forgiveness and divine love. Help me Lord to honor the qualities of my mate. Teach me how to pray for my spouse.
"Thank you Lord for teaching us how to make You the center of our marriage. Humble us to grow beyond our ego, pride and past hurts. Help us to establish and grow the love Christ in us to show each other kindness, trust, patience, forgiveness and divine love. Help me Lord to honor the qualities of my mate. Teach me how to pray for my spouse.
Empower me with courage to speak up for anything out of order in our relationship. Soften my tongue and heart where it has become like stone. Strengthen my flesh and self-esteem where it has become weak.
Whenever we lose the gratitude and passion for each other, guide us in ways to relight the candle of passion that can burn out from stress and time. Bless us to not only see, but honor one another. Help us to not only listen, but hear each other. Bless us to not only cherish one another, but nourish each others dreams and spiritual gifts.
We surrender our marriage and our personal power struggles to You. Teach us to be less controlling and more collaborative in our decisions and problem solving skills. Quicken our minds so we may know how to please, protect and provide for each other. Bless our union to grow stronger, wiser, peaceful and committed. Bring into our circle of friends, examples of healthy committed marriages. Let our children, family and friends see Christ through our example.
Thank you Lord for covering our home with your grace, mercy and favor. Today is a new day that I choose to love, respect and serve my spouse. Give us both the wisdom, patience, love and faith not to give up on each other."
~ written by Jewel Diamond Taylor (http://www.donotgiveup.net/marriageprayer.htm)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Forgiveness
I have spent many nights since the inception of this blog thinking about the thoughts I want to share, what is most important, what I think will reach others... Then as I sat here writing and rewriting this post, there was one thing that came back to me. Forgiveness. We can get it through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, but we are so timid in giving it to one another...especially to the people we love the most.
I mentioned in my previous post that I can be really good at keeping "account of wrongs." If love is not demonstrated by keeping track of all the bad things that are done to you, then how do you fix that? The answer is in forgiveness.
I never really realized how bad I was at forgiving until I learned how good I was at giving the silent treatment. That got me absolutely no where except into a heated argument. Do you remember when you were a kid and you got into a spat with your brother or sister? I remember my parents making me hug my brother and say "I'm sorry." It was the most painful thing I had to do! Unfortunately, too many of us carry that over into our marriages, and I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible at forgiving.
I hated always being the bigger person until I realized that Jesus commanded me to be one. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:21-22) Do you know how fast an "I'm sorry" will diffuse a potentially volatile situation?
At a time when my marriage was really suffering and I was more upset with my husband than I had ever been before, I said to one of my wonderful friends, "How can I forgive him? Doesn't that send him the wrong message?" She replied to me, "No, Koren. You would be demonstrating the love of Christ. Christ forgives us every day for things we do and don't deserve to be forgiven for." "Nooooooooooooooooo!" I thought. "I want to be mad!" I thought that through and through until I realized "No, I don't. I don't want to be mad. I want it to be over and done. I want to move on!"
Those words of wisdom were not at all the words that I wanted to hear at that moment, but these ended up being some of the words that stuck with me through an incredibly difficult time. I kept thinking "I want to be like Christ. I want to demonstrate his love!" I prayed hard on this for weeks and God allowed me to have peace in my heart to begin to show forgiveness towards my husband.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
The other thing that hit me in this scenario was that pride has no place in marriage. It is hard thing to tell someone that you are sorry or that you have done something wrong. Let me just say that I have found it very attractive when my husband says "I'm wrong. I'm sorry." It takes a very big person to be able to accept responsibility for something that hurt their spouse. Instead of an issue that escalates into a fight, things stay on a more manageable, calm level and then there is no reason to hold a grudge later on. Ephesians 4:26 says ""In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."
I want my daughter to see us be able to say "I forgive you." I want her to see us be able to take responsibility for our actions and be able to say "I'm sorry." I want her to see the love of Christ demonstrated through our actions. Forgiveness is hard, but it is worth every minute of time you spend trying to get it or give it. My marriage was worth it, and so is yours.
Prayer: Dear Lord, thank you so much for the peace you have given me in my heart to learn to forgive. If anyone reading this has difficulty with forgiveness, may you soften their hearts and allow them to sacrifice their pride. Teach us how to not hold grudges and how to not sin when we are angry at our spouses. Help us demonstrate the forgiveness that Christ gives us, even when we do not deserve it.
I mentioned in my previous post that I can be really good at keeping "account of wrongs." If love is not demonstrated by keeping track of all the bad things that are done to you, then how do you fix that? The answer is in forgiveness.
I never really realized how bad I was at forgiving until I learned how good I was at giving the silent treatment. That got me absolutely no where except into a heated argument. Do you remember when you were a kid and you got into a spat with your brother or sister? I remember my parents making me hug my brother and say "I'm sorry." It was the most painful thing I had to do! Unfortunately, too many of us carry that over into our marriages, and I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible at forgiving.
I hated always being the bigger person until I realized that Jesus commanded me to be one. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:21-22) Do you know how fast an "I'm sorry" will diffuse a potentially volatile situation?
At a time when my marriage was really suffering and I was more upset with my husband than I had ever been before, I said to one of my wonderful friends, "How can I forgive him? Doesn't that send him the wrong message?" She replied to me, "No, Koren. You would be demonstrating the love of Christ. Christ forgives us every day for things we do and don't deserve to be forgiven for." "Nooooooooooooooooo!" I thought. "I want to be mad!" I thought that through and through until I realized "No, I don't. I don't want to be mad. I want it to be over and done. I want to move on!"
Those words of wisdom were not at all the words that I wanted to hear at that moment, but these ended up being some of the words that stuck with me through an incredibly difficult time. I kept thinking "I want to be like Christ. I want to demonstrate his love!" I prayed hard on this for weeks and God allowed me to have peace in my heart to begin to show forgiveness towards my husband.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)
The other thing that hit me in this scenario was that pride has no place in marriage. It is hard thing to tell someone that you are sorry or that you have done something wrong. Let me just say that I have found it very attractive when my husband says "I'm wrong. I'm sorry." It takes a very big person to be able to accept responsibility for something that hurt their spouse. Instead of an issue that escalates into a fight, things stay on a more manageable, calm level and then there is no reason to hold a grudge later on. Ephesians 4:26 says ""In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."
I want my daughter to see us be able to say "I forgive you." I want her to see us be able to take responsibility for our actions and be able to say "I'm sorry." I want her to see the love of Christ demonstrated through our actions. Forgiveness is hard, but it is worth every minute of time you spend trying to get it or give it. My marriage was worth it, and so is yours.
Prayer: Dear Lord, thank you so much for the peace you have given me in my heart to learn to forgive. If anyone reading this has difficulty with forgiveness, may you soften their hearts and allow them to sacrifice their pride. Teach us how to not hold grudges and how to not sin when we are angry at our spouses. Help us demonstrate the forgiveness that Christ gives us, even when we do not deserve it.
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