Wikipedia's definition of fair fighting says:
Fair fighting is a respectful, structured way of confronting each other on issues that are causing open or hidden conflict. It is a method for handling and resolving the differences of opinion that inevitably occur between spouses or partners. The basic idea is to provide an alternative to “dirty fighting” which uses reciprocal blaming, yelling, accusing and humiliating the other, in order to win or be “right.” It provides a way to support an individual's point of view while recognizing his/her partner’s needs.
A structure is defined as: “agreed upon ground rules for handling differences and conflict well.” Very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussion.
We want to consider this definition as we work through each post. How can we strive to be respectful to one another when we are so mad that all we see is RED? How do we keep from calling names, pushing buttons and deliberately hurting each other? Do we have to win in order for there to be resolution?
When we were going through our premarital counseling, our minister handed us a paper entitled "How to Fight Fair." For years, we kept that posted on our refrigerator to be a reminder to us. However, in the middle of a fight one terrible night, that paper became a casualty of war...into the trash can, never to be seen again. Unfortunately, the paper wasn't enough to undo attitudes, stubbornness, and hot tempers. Only we could do that...with the help of a lot of PRAYER and work!
So we sat down and came up with a list of things that had to happen in order for us to have a chance at fighting fair. Here is the magic number one.
BE AWARE.
If you haven't figured out what triggers your anger in your marriage, may we suggest that you take the time to REALLY think about it. Once a fight has escalated, it is often too hard to go back and simmer it down until it has run its course. By that time, feelings are hurt, tears are shed, pride has commanded the floor, and often there is no real resolution.
We are certain that you are FULLY aware of your spouse's buttons. We both knew exactly what made each other mad. Whether that be not letting something go or walking off, none of it actually solved the problems!
Once you have figured out what angers you, pray. Pray hard. Ask God to help you manage your anger. Ephesians 4:26 tells us "in your anger, do not sin...". If you don't want to sin, learn what makes you angry and take action!
Once you have figured this out, tell your spouse about it. Our conversation went something like this... "Look honey. I know what I struggle with. It really frustrates me when _________________. I have asked God to help me with it and I need your help too. "
When we know what our own weaknesses are and our spouse is also aware, then you can learn to taper down an argument before it even gets out of hand. The next step is being constantly aware in making sure the progress you gain doesn't backslide. With some hard work and dedication to learning to be more aware, you will take the first step in fighting fairer. Good luck!
Prayer: Lord, help us all to be more self-aware of our weaknesses and what angers us in our marriages. Help us to have open communication with our spouses to try to avoid conflict or to keep a conflict from escalating into a big fight. Help us work together in learning to fight fair.
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