Fighting Fair #2

We were thinking back somewhat fondly to our premarital counseling and our minister was having us go over question after question of compatibility issues. After hours spent together and thinking that we couldn't be more compatible or more perfect for one another...it happened. It started slowly and then began to escalate. Voices were raised, we moved away from one another, fingers were pointing and then the minister said "Ah, now this is what I have been waiting for." He was waiting for us to fight. Here's why...everyone does it... eventually.

To deny that you will never have a fight in your marriage is ignorance. To deny that some of them will be bad and hurtful is to be oblivious. It is how you handle it when it does come that makes the difference in whether it will make you or break you. So here is tip number two when it comes to fighting fair...

CONTROL YOUR TONGUE.

When the gloves are on and the bell sounds, does a fighter jump in the ring and just start swinging? No! They calculate their opponent's moves and debate where best to begin. Remember, the first step was "being aware." So now it's time to start putting that into action.

When you feel hurt or defensive, it is so easy to say mean and terrible things. That can take a small quarrel or misunderstanding up ten notches really fast! James 3:5 says "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."

So when it comes to fighting fairly, consider these things when controlling your tongue:
1) No yelling
2) No name calling
3) Avoid accusations
4) Don't intentionally try to hurt your spouse's feelings
5) Don't bring up the past unless it's relevant

Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

When we are engaged in conflict with our spouses, the Bible is clear that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths! If we are trying to build up our spouse and benefit them, then it is of utmost importance that we learn self-control when it comes to our tongues. When we demonstrate self-control, we are demonstrating fruits of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) The way we talk to our spouses is a sign that we are walking in the Spirit!

Control the mess before it happens. Don't let the minefield explode and try to pick up the pieces afterward. Think about the way we are NOT demonstrating love to our spouses when we say hurtful things! This is NOT the Bible's definition of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message) says:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

If we want to persevere, if we want love to be patient and kind, if we want love to go to the end, we must attempt to learn to control our tongues when it comes to fighting fairly with our spouses. May God bless your marriages.

Prayer: Father, please help us to learn to better control our tongues when it comes to fighting with our spouses. We know we will not always agree, but may we seek to always glorify you with our talk towards one another. Help us do this Lord so that our marriages will endure until the end.