Fighting Fair #3

So, we have already discussed two steps in learning to "fight fair" with our spouses. While they may be categorized as "steps", we certainly hope that you notice that they are multi-faceted and take a lot of work to function properly.

A comment made by one of our followers and dear friends on our Facebook site was an excellent way to segue way into the next point. She said:

" ...Our main issue in our marriage is communication. We don't have good ways set up to communicate efficiently. The next issue is that we do not as you put it, "Fight Fair." We never have. We just try to up the other and so on. We know we have to work on this to have a stronger marriage. But we don't seem to try to change it..."

So step one was to "be aware." Step two was to "control your tongue/exercise self-control." The third step is:

BE WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE.

We have talked in previous posts about learning to be the bigger person. There is no time more relevant than when we are having a fight to learn that. It is extremely difficult to do because it requires a great deal of humility and 100% sacrifice in your own pride. Pride keeps us from reaching out and loving our spouse like we should. Why do we want to put that stumbling block in our marriages? Remember that 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that ..."love is not proud..." To fight fair is literally to sacrifice yourself for your partner's needs.

So how do you take the steps from wanting to change to actually changing? This was a major struggle in our relationship as there was no change and then much of the change was one-sided for quite some time. First, realize that you cannot change your spouse, no matter how hard you try. The only person you have control of in your relationship is you. If what you want in your relationship is to minimize your fighting, then YOU need to do something about it. It all starts in your own heart.

We heard something the other day that was in regards to someone with an addiction, but it is incredibly relevant to marriage as well. The saying was "Admitting you have a problem is the first step, but also the hardest part because it is the part you have to do alone. Once you've done that then you have a lot of other people who are there to love you and help you." In other words, admitting that fighting is a problem in your marriage is the first part. But then, you can open yourself up to God and to others to help find a solution.

Wives: If you have a hard time finding the balance between airing your thoughts and keeping them to yourselves in a fight, remember that God requires that wives be "submissive to their husbands." (Eph 5:22) The leadership position is not yours. However, God did create you to be a helper to your husband (Gen. 2:18) and there should be some give and take in a relationship, and a place for explaining your thoughts to your husband. Titus 2:5 tells us to be "self-controlled and pure." What's more is that we do not demonstrate respect to our husbands by challenging his authority, his leadership, his abilities, or his character. (Eph. 5:33) The tone and the way we present things will often make a huge difference in the response we get.

Husbands: Do you find yourselves tuning your wives out? What does your body language insinuate to your wife? Does it imply coldness and uncaring, or does it imply warmth and willingness to understand? Wives are experts at picking up on every little detail in what you say, and what you don't. When you aren't a good listener or when you are raising your voice in displeasure to her, it is not communicating love to her (Eph. 5:33). Often, if you listen carefully to your wife, she will be telling you EXACTLY what to do to make her happy! You were probably a good listener when you wanted to win her heart, so don't stop now!

James 1:19 gives us advice that is important for any husband or wife to remember "Know this, my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."

If you are constantly finding yourselves in your marriages in the midst of arguments, then it is probably not a one-sided coin. When our marriage was in its deepest pain, we realized that to make it work, we both had to accept 100% of our contributions to the problem. We would do our marriage no justice if we didn't do this. The next thing was to open it up to each other to see how each of us would like to have certain situations handled. Certain things then became off-limits during fights. Finally, we had to diffuse an argument as quickly as possible. There is no quicker way than saying "I'm sorry" quickly, honestly, and humbly.

Being the bigger person doesn't always mean that you were the "most wrong" one in a situation. It just means that you realize your contribution to a situation and you are going to accept it. Don't turn something that is nothing into something! It is not worth the time and the heartache it will put your marriage through. Learning this takes work...ACTIVE work, not just saying that you will "work on it." Be active in fixing your marriage and you might be surprised at the changes you will see.

Prayer: Father, continue to help us stay away from pitfalls in our marriages that can be damaging. Keep us away from unnecessary fights, and help us to sacrifice 100% of our own pride and learn to be more humble to fight fairly. Help us to actively work on our marriages, and to love and respect each other more.