Our daughter is nineteen months old. She is an absolute sponge. Her vocabulary is astounding. You know why? She pays attention...to EVERYTHING. For us, the realization came one night when I asked Nathan if he had gotten something done and it was answered by a loud "Oh crap!" (Meaning, no, it hadn't gotten done) That was echoed by a small voice saying "oh crap!" GASP! Had she really just said that? Yikes, we thought, we need to be more careful.
There have been handfuls of other incidents like that, too. It may come from an unaware family member, a smart mouthed teenager, or any actor on television. If she hears it, then she is likely to repeat it. So what is my child hearing from my mouth when I am fighting with my spouse?
There are several things about fighting that are liable to rub off on our children in the way they talk, in the way they act and they way they treat others...and that may include someday their future spouse. (Luke 6:31) What do you want to teach your child when you fight with your spouse? There are behaviors we would not want to tolerate from our children so why is it okay for us to act in those ways towards our spouse? If we want to teach our children to "honor" us (Ephesians 6:2) then it starts with us demonstrating behaviors that are deserving of honor!
Some people are of the opinion that children should never hear their parents disagree or argue. May I suggest if your children are never a witness to an argument, then how else are they going to learn how to deal with arguments or disagreements that come up through their lives? From every other source, that's how. It is the responsibility of a parent to teach and instruct their children, and I think it may be the times when we are not actively engaged with our kids (ie., wrapped up in an argument with your spouse) that they learn the most about us. When our children can see us honoring and respecting each other and demonstrating problem solving behaviors, therapists say this is healthy for children to see.
So when we are fighting do you want your children to:
Call names?
Yell and scream?
Hit, punch, bite or slap?
Use profantity or improper gestures?
Intimidate?
Stay angry?
Talk about it with everyone else?
Parents, if you are not demonstrating pure and holy behavior to your children when your emotions are at their highest, then they are going to learn to imitate these behaviors. Remember the Bible tells us to "Be angry and do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). Do you want to teach your children to sin? I'm sure you are shaking your head with a confident "No" right now.
Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." We should not be teaching our children that one is right and one is wrong, but the art of compromise. We should not be teaching our children to take sides, but to honor one another's opinions. Moms, we should be teaching our daughters the concept of godly submission and Dads, the responsibility that comes with being a godly leader in the home.
If things do get out of hand, and as you are human, they surely will at some point, don't just sweep it under the rug. Talk to your children about it, preferably together. Give your children a chance to ask questions, and potentially even tell them ways in which you could have handled things better.
So when those fights do come up, here are some tips:
Keep your voices low. No name calling.
Listen to your spouse. Do not be distracted.
Ask questions. Symphatize.
Don't rush the fight to be over. Give your spouse a chance to express their feelings so things can move to a more neutral place.
Apologize. Kiss and make up.
Remember that parents are the best first teachers and your influence in your home is huge! Don't wait until your children have all the other outside influences on their behavior. Show them honor, problem-solving, and love by the way you treat each other. Hopefully they will grow up appreciating your example and seek to demonstrate the same with their future spouse. Don't forget to see the big picture!
Prayer: Dear Lord, please help us demonstrate godly love to one another when we are fighting with our spouses. Furthermore, help us teach and instruct our children through our behavior and example how to treat each other with respect.
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