Fighting Fair #4

As I was sitting in church today, one of the men got up to do the scripture reading. He read from Romans 12 and I excitedly thought...that's it! That's the whole conclusion to "fighting fair." Romans 12 ends with this verse: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (verse 21) You've heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right" before, right? Romans 12:21 tells us exactly how we are to counter a wrong...by overcoming it with good.

So the first three posts dealt with being aware, controlling our tongues, and being willing to make a change. This post deals with the culmination of all of that and the idea behind Romans 12:21:

BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

So many times when we are in the middle of a squabble, it is extremely difficult to back down once blows are being delivered. You both know it is wrong and yet there you are, intentionally hurting the person you love. It is very difficult when you feel personally wronged not to tell your spouse exactly what you think or to try to get back at them for anything hurtful they might have said and/or done along the way. Romans 12:19 disagrees! "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book "Love and Respect" describes what he calls "The Crazy Cycle." He states "When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive." It's like playing a broken record over and over and over and....you get the point. If you find yourself having the same fight over the same thing with the same result...you are probably experiencing "The Crazy Cycle."

So what insight can we gain from Romans 12 to stop this crazy cycle? Romans 12:10 say "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Honor implies to put someone in a distinguished place, to raise them up, or to put them in special esteem. Who requires more honor of anyone else on this earth from us than the person you chose to love and marry? If you love your spouse, you will find a way to work it out! Open your ears to what your spouse is saying to you! If you are devoted to your spouse in love and seek to honor them above what you want for yourself, then you will do everything in your power to meet their needs.

So who has to be the bigger person? Dr. Eggerichs says it is whoever is the most mature to do so. You do not have to wait on your spouse to make positive changes for your marriage. Romans 12:20 says...“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” While we should not consider our spouse "the enemy," in a fight we might be doing just that. The point to gain from Romans 12:20 is that you are there to serve, not to be served. Meet your spouses needs, and you can "overcome evil with good"!

Don't stand by and say "I'm not changing until he/she makes changes first!" Remember that pride and selfishness have no place in marriage. Those negative traits are from Satan and he does NOT belong in your marriage! Wives, the apostle Peter wrote to us to be an example to our husbands that "...they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Pet 3:2-3) Husbands, Peter also wrote to you to tell you to "...be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Pet. 3:7)

I am confident that every couple can have the marriage that they want. You are certainly not going to be able to force your spouse to change. But you CAN change yourself and you can most definitely pray for your spouse. If you both are aware that you both need to change and you are both willing...even better...pray together. There are fewer ways to draw you closer and more intimate than to share your relationship together with the Most High. Remember that HE gave you this relationship and it is meant to be enjoyed! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU SUCCEED!

Prayer: Most High God, help us to win each other over with our behavior. May our spouses only see Christ in us and help us to keep Satan and his snares far away from our marriages. Help us to be stronger and united that we can form marriages that will last and succeed.


Next post will be "Fighting Fair...in front of your Children."