Praying Together

When Nathan and I first started dating, we were both very clear that we were looking for a serious relationship and a partner who was serious about Christ. We were living in different states at the time and as we were getting ready to part ways for the first time, Nathan asked if we could pray together. I remember us both feeling very tearful, but our relationship was in God's hands now. I couldn't remember a time before that when I felt more connected with anyone.

Do you realize when you pray with your spouse that you are sharing your most intimate connection with God with the person you are most intimate with on this earth? Doesn't it make sense that those two should go together? "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)

I know the Bible has a lot to say about prayer. But what does the Bible say that is relevant to praying together with your spouse?

• Prayer is a direct connection with God who knows all about you! "Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" (Psalm 66:20)
  
• God made the union between you and your spouse so He knows your relationship. (Gen. 1:27-28)
  
• God can help heal all wounds, mend character flaws, erase sin and give us a spirit of forgiveness. "Therefore I want the men everywhere to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or disputing." (1 Tim. 2:8)
  

What is the one thing that we long for on this earth? It is a deep, intimate connection with someone. You want to find your best friend, your soul mate. You want that one person to know the real you more than anyone else and be the person you can tell anything to. God longs for this too! It was the whole purpose that the human race was created! God can satisfy better, longer and more fulfilling than anyone on this earth ever will!

God made marriage to be the ONLY earthly relationship to parallel the love that Christ had for the church (Ephesians 5:25). He was so devoted and so loved it that He gave up His life for it. (John 3:16) God is the key! Matthew 6:33 says "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." When we seek God first, we will see our relationship flourish!

Too many times we try to accomplish things on our own. We think we know best. When we can't figure it out, we throw our hands up in exasperation or we wait until it has eaten away at so much that sometimes there is very little left of our relationships to recover. Sometimes we think just because God "already knows" that He doesn't want to hear us tell Him what is on our hearts. Just as your spouse yearns for knowledge on how you operate, why you are struggling and what they need to do about it...so does God! God is AVAILABLE and wants to help! "The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6:9)

There are several things on this earth that can form a bond of closeness between two people. Some are mental and some are physical...but may I suggest that the spiritual is most important and will bind you together better than any mind-blowing conversation or sexual experience ever will!

In our relationship, I have noticed an ebb and flow. I can tell when I feel less connected with my husband and it is definitely the times when I feel that our prayer life together is lacking. A spiritual connection with each other is more fulfilling and longer lasting. It can get you through times when a lack of quality or quantity of time exists in your marriage. "Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful." (Col. 4:2)

A few months ago, I was leading a ladies' bible study. The topic of praying with our husbands came up. I was shocked that ALL the women said they did not pray with their husbands. They had never let their husbands hear their most intimate conversations with the Most High God. These women felt that because their husbands were the leaders of the family that he should be the one to lead a prayer. Yikes! I can understand how many women may feel uncomfortable, but you are NOT praying in a church assembly! You are praying with your husband! Husbands, are you giving your wives the chance? Do you ever ask her to pray when you are alone?

If you are not in the habit of praying together, I suggest a prayer makeover! Here are some things we have tried with great success:

• Take turns praying in one prayer session.
• Alternate nights of who says a prayer.
• Wives, tell your husband your prayer requests and husbands, tell your wives yours. Then pray out loud for each other. "Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven." (Matt. 18:19)
  
• If something is especially weighing, take turns praying on the topic. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
  
• Make sure you set aside time when you are both wide awake and go to a quiet place. "The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray." (1 Peter 4:7)

I hope that this touches anyone out there who feels that there is something missing in their relationship. You may both love God and go to church faithfully...but what are you doing to serve Him and let Him into your marriage? Talk to Him TOGETHER! He WANTS to know!

Prayer: Dear Lord, teach us to be better at developing a prayer relationship with you in our marriages. Teach us to open up and bare it all to you, as we want to do with our spouses. Help these experiences bring us more intimately closer to each other, but especially with you.

Fighting Fair...In Front of Your Kids

Our daughter is nineteen months old. She is an absolute sponge. Her vocabulary is astounding. You know why? She pays attention...to EVERYTHING. For us, the realization came one night when I asked Nathan if he had gotten something done and it was answered by a loud "Oh crap!" (Meaning, no, it hadn't gotten done) That was echoed by a small voice saying "oh crap!" GASP! Had she really just said that? Yikes, we thought, we need to be more careful.

There have been handfuls of other incidents like that, too. It may come from an unaware family member, a smart mouthed teenager, or any actor on television. If she hears it, then she is likely to repeat it. So what is my child hearing from my mouth when I am fighting with my spouse?

There are several things about fighting that are liable to rub off on our children in the way they talk, in the way they act and they way they treat others...and that may include someday their future spouse. (Luke 6:31) What do you want to teach your child when you fight with your spouse? There are behaviors we would not want to tolerate from our children so why is it okay for us to act in those ways towards our spouse? If we want to teach our children to "honor" us (Ephesians 6:2) then it starts with us demonstrating behaviors that are deserving of honor!

Some people are of the opinion that children should never hear their parents disagree or argue. May I suggest if your children are never a witness to an argument, then how else are they going to learn how to deal with arguments or disagreements that come up through their lives? From every other source, that's how. It is the responsibility of a parent to teach and instruct their children, and I think it may be the times when we are not actively engaged with our kids (ie., wrapped up in an argument with your spouse) that they learn the most about us. When our children can see us honoring and respecting each other and demonstrating problem solving behaviors, therapists say this is healthy for children to see.

So when we are fighting do you want your children to:
Call names?
Yell and scream?
Hit, punch, bite or slap?
Use profantity or improper gestures?
Intimidate?
Stay angry?
Talk about it with everyone else?

Parents, if you are not demonstrating pure and holy behavior to your children when your emotions are at their highest, then they are going to learn to imitate these behaviors. Remember the Bible tells us to "Be angry and do not sin" (Eph. 4:26). Do you want to teach your children to sin? I'm sure you are shaking your head with a confident "No" right now.

Ephesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." We should not be teaching our children that one is right and one is wrong, but the art of compromise. We should not be teaching our children to take sides, but to honor one another's opinions. Moms, we should be teaching our daughters the concept of godly submission and Dads, the responsibility that comes with being a godly leader in the home.

If things do get out of hand, and as you are human, they surely will at some point, don't just sweep it under the rug. Talk to your children about it, preferably together. Give your children a chance to ask questions, and potentially even tell them ways in which you could have handled things better.

So when those fights do come up, here are some tips:
Keep your voices low. No name calling.
Listen to your spouse. Do not be distracted.
Ask questions. Symphatize.
Don't rush the fight to be over. Give your spouse a chance to express their feelings so things can move to a more neutral place.
Apologize. Kiss and make up.

Remember that parents are the best first teachers and your influence in your home is huge! Don't wait until your children have all the other outside influences on their behavior. Show them honor, problem-solving, and love by the way you treat each other. Hopefully they will grow up appreciating your example and seek to demonstrate the same with their future spouse. Don't forget to see the big picture!

Prayer: Dear Lord, please help us demonstrate godly love to one another when we are fighting with our spouses. Furthermore, help us teach and instruct our children through our behavior and example how to treat each other with respect.

(A More Real) Love Story by Anita Renfroe

Fighting Fair #4

As I was sitting in church today, one of the men got up to do the scripture reading. He read from Romans 12 and I excitedly thought...that's it! That's the whole conclusion to "fighting fair." Romans 12 ends with this verse: "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (verse 21) You've heard the saying "two wrongs don't make a right" before, right? Romans 12:21 tells us exactly how we are to counter a wrong...by overcoming it with good.

So the first three posts dealt with being aware, controlling our tongues, and being willing to make a change. This post deals with the culmination of all of that and the idea behind Romans 12:21:

BE THE BIGGER PERSON.

So many times when we are in the middle of a squabble, it is extremely difficult to back down once blows are being delivered. You both know it is wrong and yet there you are, intentionally hurting the person you love. It is very difficult when you feel personally wronged not to tell your spouse exactly what you think or to try to get back at them for anything hurtful they might have said and/or done along the way. Romans 12:19 disagrees! "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord."

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his book "Love and Respect" describes what he calls "The Crazy Cycle." He states "When hurt and frustrated, we continue reacting in negative ways to motivate our spouse to be positive." It's like playing a broken record over and over and over and....you get the point. If you find yourself having the same fight over the same thing with the same result...you are probably experiencing "The Crazy Cycle."

So what insight can we gain from Romans 12 to stop this crazy cycle? Romans 12:10 say "Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." Honor implies to put someone in a distinguished place, to raise them up, or to put them in special esteem. Who requires more honor of anyone else on this earth from us than the person you chose to love and marry? If you love your spouse, you will find a way to work it out! Open your ears to what your spouse is saying to you! If you are devoted to your spouse in love and seek to honor them above what you want for yourself, then you will do everything in your power to meet their needs.

So who has to be the bigger person? Dr. Eggerichs says it is whoever is the most mature to do so. You do not have to wait on your spouse to make positive changes for your marriage. Romans 12:20 says...“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” While we should not consider our spouse "the enemy," in a fight we might be doing just that. The point to gain from Romans 12:20 is that you are there to serve, not to be served. Meet your spouses needs, and you can "overcome evil with good"!

Don't stand by and say "I'm not changing until he/she makes changes first!" Remember that pride and selfishness have no place in marriage. Those negative traits are from Satan and he does NOT belong in your marriage! Wives, the apostle Peter wrote to us to be an example to our husbands that "...they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Pet 3:2-3) Husbands, Peter also wrote to you to tell you to "...be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." (1 Pet. 3:7)

I am confident that every couple can have the marriage that they want. You are certainly not going to be able to force your spouse to change. But you CAN change yourself and you can most definitely pray for your spouse. If you both are aware that you both need to change and you are both willing...even better...pray together. There are fewer ways to draw you closer and more intimate than to share your relationship together with the Most High. Remember that HE gave you this relationship and it is meant to be enjoyed! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU SUCCEED!

Prayer: Most High God, help us to win each other over with our behavior. May our spouses only see Christ in us and help us to keep Satan and his snares far away from our marriages. Help us to be stronger and united that we can form marriages that will last and succeed.


Next post will be "Fighting Fair...in front of your Children."

Challenge #3

The next time you and your spouse get into an argument, bite your tongue. Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself Tell your spouse how you contributed to the negative situation and then apologize. Notice any differences in the way the rest of the situation proceeds.

Fighting Fair #3

So, we have already discussed two steps in learning to "fight fair" with our spouses. While they may be categorized as "steps", we certainly hope that you notice that they are multi-faceted and take a lot of work to function properly.

A comment made by one of our followers and dear friends on our Facebook site was an excellent way to segue way into the next point. She said:

" ...Our main issue in our marriage is communication. We don't have good ways set up to communicate efficiently. The next issue is that we do not as you put it, "Fight Fair." We never have. We just try to up the other and so on. We know we have to work on this to have a stronger marriage. But we don't seem to try to change it..."

So step one was to "be aware." Step two was to "control your tongue/exercise self-control." The third step is:

BE WILLING TO MAKE A CHANGE.

We have talked in previous posts about learning to be the bigger person. There is no time more relevant than when we are having a fight to learn that. It is extremely difficult to do because it requires a great deal of humility and 100% sacrifice in your own pride. Pride keeps us from reaching out and loving our spouse like we should. Why do we want to put that stumbling block in our marriages? Remember that 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that ..."love is not proud..." To fight fair is literally to sacrifice yourself for your partner's needs.

So how do you take the steps from wanting to change to actually changing? This was a major struggle in our relationship as there was no change and then much of the change was one-sided for quite some time. First, realize that you cannot change your spouse, no matter how hard you try. The only person you have control of in your relationship is you. If what you want in your relationship is to minimize your fighting, then YOU need to do something about it. It all starts in your own heart.

We heard something the other day that was in regards to someone with an addiction, but it is incredibly relevant to marriage as well. The saying was "Admitting you have a problem is the first step, but also the hardest part because it is the part you have to do alone. Once you've done that then you have a lot of other people who are there to love you and help you." In other words, admitting that fighting is a problem in your marriage is the first part. But then, you can open yourself up to God and to others to help find a solution.

Wives: If you have a hard time finding the balance between airing your thoughts and keeping them to yourselves in a fight, remember that God requires that wives be "submissive to their husbands." (Eph 5:22) The leadership position is not yours. However, God did create you to be a helper to your husband (Gen. 2:18) and there should be some give and take in a relationship, and a place for explaining your thoughts to your husband. Titus 2:5 tells us to be "self-controlled and pure." What's more is that we do not demonstrate respect to our husbands by challenging his authority, his leadership, his abilities, or his character. (Eph. 5:33) The tone and the way we present things will often make a huge difference in the response we get.

Husbands: Do you find yourselves tuning your wives out? What does your body language insinuate to your wife? Does it imply coldness and uncaring, or does it imply warmth and willingness to understand? Wives are experts at picking up on every little detail in what you say, and what you don't. When you aren't a good listener or when you are raising your voice in displeasure to her, it is not communicating love to her (Eph. 5:33). Often, if you listen carefully to your wife, she will be telling you EXACTLY what to do to make her happy! You were probably a good listener when you wanted to win her heart, so don't stop now!

James 1:19 gives us advice that is important for any husband or wife to remember "Know this, my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."

If you are constantly finding yourselves in your marriages in the midst of arguments, then it is probably not a one-sided coin. When our marriage was in its deepest pain, we realized that to make it work, we both had to accept 100% of our contributions to the problem. We would do our marriage no justice if we didn't do this. The next thing was to open it up to each other to see how each of us would like to have certain situations handled. Certain things then became off-limits during fights. Finally, we had to diffuse an argument as quickly as possible. There is no quicker way than saying "I'm sorry" quickly, honestly, and humbly.

Being the bigger person doesn't always mean that you were the "most wrong" one in a situation. It just means that you realize your contribution to a situation and you are going to accept it. Don't turn something that is nothing into something! It is not worth the time and the heartache it will put your marriage through. Learning this takes work...ACTIVE work, not just saying that you will "work on it." Be active in fixing your marriage and you might be surprised at the changes you will see.

Prayer: Father, continue to help us stay away from pitfalls in our marriages that can be damaging. Keep us away from unnecessary fights, and help us to sacrifice 100% of our own pride and learn to be more humble to fight fairly. Help us to actively work on our marriages, and to love and respect each other more.

Fighting Fair #2

We were thinking back somewhat fondly to our premarital counseling and our minister was having us go over question after question of compatibility issues. After hours spent together and thinking that we couldn't be more compatible or more perfect for one another...it happened. It started slowly and then began to escalate. Voices were raised, we moved away from one another, fingers were pointing and then the minister said "Ah, now this is what I have been waiting for." He was waiting for us to fight. Here's why...everyone does it... eventually.

To deny that you will never have a fight in your marriage is ignorance. To deny that some of them will be bad and hurtful is to be oblivious. It is how you handle it when it does come that makes the difference in whether it will make you or break you. So here is tip number two when it comes to fighting fair...

CONTROL YOUR TONGUE.

When the gloves are on and the bell sounds, does a fighter jump in the ring and just start swinging? No! They calculate their opponent's moves and debate where best to begin. Remember, the first step was "being aware." So now it's time to start putting that into action.

When you feel hurt or defensive, it is so easy to say mean and terrible things. That can take a small quarrel or misunderstanding up ten notches really fast! James 3:5 says "Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark."

So when it comes to fighting fairly, consider these things when controlling your tongue:
1) No yelling
2) No name calling
3) Avoid accusations
4) Don't intentionally try to hurt your spouse's feelings
5) Don't bring up the past unless it's relevant

Ephesians 4:29 says "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

When we are engaged in conflict with our spouses, the Bible is clear that no unwholesome talk comes out of our mouths! If we are trying to build up our spouse and benefit them, then it is of utmost importance that we learn self-control when it comes to our tongues. When we demonstrate self-control, we are demonstrating fruits of the spirit. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23) The way we talk to our spouses is a sign that we are walking in the Spirit!

Control the mess before it happens. Don't let the minefield explode and try to pick up the pieces afterward. Think about the way we are NOT demonstrating love to our spouses when we say hurtful things! This is NOT the Bible's definition of love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message) says:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

If we want to persevere, if we want love to be patient and kind, if we want love to go to the end, we must attempt to learn to control our tongues when it comes to fighting fairly with our spouses. May God bless your marriages.

Prayer: Father, please help us to learn to better control our tongues when it comes to fighting with our spouses. We know we will not always agree, but may we seek to always glorify you with our talk towards one another. Help us do this Lord so that our marriages will endure until the end.