Fighting Fair #1

Welcome to our new series of posts on "fighting fair."

Wikipedia's definition of fair fighting says:

Fair fighting is a respectful, structured way of confronting each other on issues that are causing open or hidden conflict. It is a method for handling and resolving the differences of opinion that inevitably occur between spouses or partners. The basic idea is to provide an alternative to “dirty fighting” which uses reciprocal blaming, yelling, accusing and humiliating the other, in order to win or be “right.” It provides a way to support an individual's point of view while recognizing his/her partner’s needs.

A structure is defined as: “agreed upon ground rules for handling differences and conflict well.” Very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussion.

We want to consider this definition as we work through each post. How can we strive to be respectful to one another when we are so mad that all we see is RED? How do we keep from calling names, pushing buttons and deliberately hurting each other? Do we have to win in order for there to be resolution?

When we were going through our premarital counseling, our minister handed us a paper entitled "How to Fight Fair." For years, we kept that posted on our refrigerator to be a reminder to us. However, in the middle of a fight one terrible night, that paper became a casualty of war...into the trash can, never to be seen again. Unfortunately, the paper wasn't enough to undo attitudes, stubbornness, and hot tempers. Only we could do that...with the help of a lot of PRAYER and work!

So we sat down and came up with a list of things that had to happen in order for us to have a chance at fighting fair. Here is the magic number one.

BE AWARE.

If you haven't figured out what triggers your anger in your marriage, may we suggest that you take the time to REALLY think about it. Once a fight has escalated, it is often too hard to go back and simmer it down until it has run its course. By that time, feelings are hurt, tears are shed, pride has commanded the floor, and often there is no real resolution.

We are certain that you are FULLY aware of your spouse's buttons. We both knew exactly what made each other mad. Whether that be not letting something go or walking off, none of it actually solved the problems!

Once you have figured out what angers you, pray. Pray hard. Ask God to help you manage your anger. Ephesians 4:26 tells us "in your anger, do not sin...". If you don't want to sin, learn what makes you angry and take action!

Once you have figured this out, tell your spouse about it. Our conversation went something like this... "Look honey. I know what I struggle with. It really frustrates me when _________________. I have asked God to help me with it and I need your help too. "

When we know what our own weaknesses are and our spouse is also aware, then you can learn to taper down an argument before it even gets out of hand. The next step is being constantly aware in making sure the progress you gain doesn't backslide. With some hard work and dedication to learning to be more aware, you will take the first step in fighting fairer. Good luck!

Prayer: Lord, help us all to be more self-aware of our weaknesses and what angers us in our marriages. Help us to have open communication with our spouses to try to avoid conflict or to keep a conflict from escalating into a big fight. Help us work together in learning to fight fair.

Challenge #2

A recent comment by one of our followers and dear friends got us thinking. You can't make loving your spouse such a chore that you forget to show them you love them and that you enjoy being with them!

Demonstrating unconditional love. We couldn't put it any better if we tried than the challenge put forth in "The Love Dare" by Stephen and Alex Kendrick.

Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse- something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your CHOICE and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Demonstrating love doesn't always have to be time consuming, but it should come from the heart! Remember that no one FORCED you to get married, it was your decision and you can choose to love your spouse unconditionally.

If you and/or your spouse is taking part in these challenges, we would love to see comments on how this turned out for you! Good luck and God bless your marriages.

Perfection

I am a perfectionist. I love to get things done in a quick and organized manner. I love even more to have a gleaming finished product. I'm talking anything and everything from work to my house. I never realized how much it spilled over into my relationships, specifically in my marriage.

When Nathan and I were engaged, my mom told him that I had high expectations, and he said he was aware of that. We had many conversations over our long distance dating that spelled out exactly what each of us was looking for in a mate. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, right? Well, let's just say easier said than done! I think anyone who has been married for any significant period of time would back me up on that one!

What I didn't realize that my expectations weren't just high, but they were nearly impossible. But he knew that getting into this, right? But what I ended up with was disappointment after disappointment. Finally, one day when I was venting to my mother about how things were going she said "Koren, if you expect Nathan to be perfect, then you will never be satisfied. He is human, give him some room to make mistakes."

Wow, what a powerful statement. It is such an obvious statement, but one that I was completely overlooking. I never let Nathan off the hook for anything! BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING HIMSELF INTO, RIGHT???? I unfortunately realized that there was some selfishness and pride rooted deep into my inability to settle for anything less than perfect. Man, is that humbling. I don't know that she expected for that statement to have that effect on me, but it has definitely stuck with me.

There has only been ONE perfect person EVER, and that is Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:15 says "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin."

Here are the three conclusions that I came to when meditating on this thought:

1) I need to cut myself some slack. I really didn't have a good reason to need things to be so perfect except it was just my preference. All the pressure on myself and on my husband was causing me a lot of stress. I don't particularly enjoy stress so why was I allowing myself to create that kind of environment for myself and others? When I started to learn to let go a little bit, then I found there was a whole lot less to worry about! Matthew 6:27 says "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

2) I need to cut my husband some slack. My husband is not Jesus! He is not perfect! Then why on earth was I expecting him to be? My unfair expectations were straining our relationship. When it comes to housework, we have assigned chores now. When it comes to problem solving, we sit down and talk it out. There is a lot of positive to having two heads involved in a marriage, in parenting, and in spiritual things! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." I should not be a downer to my husband when we are in this together!

3) While neither of us may be perfect and neither of us is Jesus, if we TRY to be perfect like him, it will greatly improved our marriage. It really all does come down to making God and Jesus the head of your relationship! Read Ephesians 5:21-30. This tells us exactly why our marriages should emulate Christ! Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church! Wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord! If we are striving to be like Christ and be the wives and husbands that he describes...then we WILL meet each others expectations.

When I stopped trying to make everything around me perfect, the whole world opened up! I wasn't experiencing disappointment, but freedom! Freedom to let things be "just okay." Freedom to make mistakes. Freedom to try harder to serve Christ by serving my husband.
Instead of tearing down my husband with harsh words due to my unfair expectations, I strive to build him up by acknowledging the things he does do, is capable of, and wants to be. Respecting my husbands imperfections helps to make our marriage stronger.

What can you find about your spouse that you can let go of today?

Prayer: Lord, thank you so much for showing me that Jesus is the only perfect person that has ever been on this earth. Don't let my expectations become too burdensome to myself and especially to my husband in our marriage. Please help us all to let go of the things that are not important to make our marriages stronger.

Affection

If you asked a woman to describe how she wants a man to talk to her and treat her, she would probably use the word "affectionately." Women are wired very differently from men in this way. Men are more physically stimulated by touching and visual stimulation. Men are often more sexual in nature. Women, on the other hand, are more emotional. They long for sweet nothings and tender touches.

Women need affection for affirmation of their husbands' feelings. Affection cultivates the environment of the relationship. They need to hear your love for and devotion to them. And for men, it the is gateway to intimacy with his wife. As a man, I have a hard time doing that.

When your wife says "How do I look?," she is not looking for a "fine." She is looking for positive words that will help her self image. A woman is constantly wanting to make sure that her husband finds her attractive. It is our job as husbands to reaffirm to our wives that we do find her attractive and we still have a desire for her.

Song of Solomon 4:1-4 says:
"You're so beautiful, my darling, so beautiful,
and your dove eyes are veiled
By your hair as it flows and shimmers,
like a flock of goats in the distance
streaming down a hillside in the sunshine.
Your smile is generous and full—
expressive and strong and clean.
Your lips are jewel red,
your mouth elegant and inviting,
your veiled cheeks soft and radiant.
The smooth, lithe lines of your neck
command notice—all heads turn in awe and admiration!"
(The Message)

What lessons we can learn from Solomon! How many of us talk to our wives like that? When our kids come home from school and we say "How was your day?" we definitely don't want to hear just "fine" out of them! Then why is it okay not to compliment our wives?

On the same token, wives, your husbands need to hear positive words of affirmation. We want to know that you look up to us, that you need us, that you find us attractive and that you are interested.

Solomon has something to say about that too! Song of Solomon 5:10-15 says:
"My dear lover glows with health—
red-blooded, radiant!
He's one in a million.
There's no one quite like him!
My golden one, pure and untarnished,
with raven black curls tumbling across his shoulders.
His eyes are like doves, soft and bright,
but deep-set, brimming with meaning, like wells of water.
His face is rugged, his beard smells like sage,
His voice, his words, warm and reassuring.
Fine muscles ripple beneath his skin,
quiet and beautiful.
His torso is the work of a sculptor,
hard and smooth as ivory.
He stands tall, like a cedar,
strong and deep-rooted,
A rugged mountain of a man,
aromatic with wood and stone."
(The Message)

Song of Solomon 5:16 summarizes my point... "His words are kisses, his kisses words. Everything about him delights me, thrills me through and through!" (The Message)

Husbands and wives...never underestimate the power of kind and edifying words to one another. They are the foundation of your relationship and will lead to the next step in affection...physical touch.

Husbands, one thing I've learned in my marriage is that sexual advances are not a substitute for affectionate touch! Affectionate touching such as; holding my wife's hand, caressing my wife's hair, giving a back rub, or cuddling on the couch while watching television is just as important, if not more so, than any other interaction between a husband and wife. This kind of affection makes my wife feel closer to me and makes us feel more connected as a couple on an emotionally intimate level. When your wife feels more connected to you emotionally, then she will connect with you more physically.

When you are not connected emotionally to your spouse, this opens you up for several dangers in your relationship. These could be isolation from one another, animosity, frustration, or as severe as a potential affair. Husbands, if you are not meeting the emotional needs of your wife, be very aware that this opens your relationship to others filling that position. Wives, on the same token, be sure to fulfill your husbands physical needs, or the same danger exists.

1 Corinthians 7:3 says "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband." (NASB)

1 Corinthians 7:4 reminds us that our bodies are no longer our own and 1 Corinthians 7:5 reminds us that Satan will tempt us if we do not fulfill each others needs!

Husbands, don't underestimate or dismiss the power that affectionate words and touch can have in your relationship. Gary Chapman in the "Love Language Minute Devotional" says "When we marry, our bodies are no longer just our own. We can use touch as a gift to each other. Remember, love is about seeking to meet your spouse's needs and not your own. You don't touch because it feels comfortable to you, but because it communicates love to your beloved." It may take some work (or a lot of work), but it is worth the effort for a more fulfilling relationship.

Prayer: Father, I thank you for the love that you show me and I pray that you help me show my wife that I love her through demonstrating affection by my words and touch. Please help anyone that this does not come natural to, to get outside their comfort zone so they may communicate affection to their spouse. Help us all to create a more emotionally fulfilling relationship with one another.

Respect

"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33)

Isn't it interesting that the Bible doesn't command wives to love their husbands? I think that is because emotionality and feelings come very easy for a wife. We think to ourselves, "if I just love him more, then he will change." Love usually isn't an issue, your husband knows that you love him, but there is still a lacking piece.

As I have mentioned before, Nathan and I were very blessed when someone suggested we read Emerson Eggerich's book "Love and Respect." I had already pondered the thoughts behind Ephesians 5:33, but this book called me out on my disrespect time and time again. On one hand, I was relieved to realize that I wasn't the only woman who struggled with this concept, but on the other hand, I cried thinking "This is so me!" through example after example of ways we can disrespect our husbands.

I remember my father talking to me about respect when I was younger. He would tell me that my behavior or my facial expressions or the tone of my voice was disrespectful. I'm sure I just rolled my eyes as a teenager, as this concept held very little value for me at the time. Then, as my husband and I were working through troubles in our marriage and he told me how important respect was to him, I began to see that I had A LOT of work to do.

There are many ways we can demonstrate respect our husbands. I remember in a ladies' bible study we had last year that the discussion leader said "Find out what your husband likes and try to make sure you do that for him regularly. If he likes a hot meal or a clean house, make an effort to show you respect his desires." I found out that Nathan really likes to have a hot, home-cooked meal on the table at a decent time and we have made a significant effort to make sure this is a part of our marriage on a regular basis.

We can show respect for his time and hard work. For many of us, our husbands are the main breadwinners in the family. They work long, hard hours so that we mothers can spend time at home with our children. Mothers have a hard job to do all day too! When our husband comes home, exhausted from work, we want him to take the kids and give us time for ourselves! But what he wants is to sit and unwind. We have often had to compromise in this area. I don't want to downplay the effort he has had to put in at work all day and make him feel that his contribution doesn't matter and that mine is the only important one that makes our house function! (Proverbs 22:29)

We can make ourselves available to our husbands on an intimate level. While I by no means want to launch into a graphic description, I do think it is an important thing that many people skip over because it is uncomfortable to talk about. It is unfair to withhold being intimate to your husband as a punishment or to let this area of your relationship slack. If your husband begins to think that you won't put an effort into this significant part of a relationship, he may begin to feel that you don't care about what he thinks or feels. When a woman withholds intimacy from a man, the man will in turn not give the woman the love she desires! (1 Corinthians 7:5)

We can watch our tone and facial expressions as we talk or fight. I know that Nathan and I have had SEVERAL discussions about the tone in which we present things with. Some things that are meant to be harmless can quickly escalate into a full-on fight without it ever meaning to! Being snippy or harsh with your tone is a really quick way to demonstrate to your husband that you don't respect what he says. (Proverbs 15:1)

We can listen when he has something to share. This can be challenging at times when our attention is divided, especially once you have children. Your husband might be sharing something with you from his day, and if we don't listen it shows him that we don't care what he has to say. He may just quit sharing things with you if you keep up this destructive kind of behavior! (James 1:19)

A lack of respect in a marriage can be extremely detrimental! Since the husband is supposed to be the head of the household or the leader in your relationship, his position warrants respect. Take time today and ask your husband how important respect is to him and how you can demonstrate respect to him...or take it a step further and ask how you do NOT demonstrate respect to him. Pray that God will give you the ability to show your husband the respect he deserves!

Some of you may be saying..."my husband doesn't deserve my respect!" Well, if you are a Christian and you know what God says about marriage and the role between husband and wife (Ephesians 5:22), then I beg you to change this attitude! I try to reflect daily on things that I respect about Nathan and make sure that I share it with him. When he feels that he is respected and I am confident in his ability to lead this family, then I notice a huge difference in his willingness to fulfill his headship responsibilities. Try it...it can only lead to good things!

Prayer:Thank you Lord for giving me a greater respect for my husband and his contribution to our marriage. Please help all wives not to tear down their husbands by their disrespectful behaviors, but instead to encourage them by our chaste and reverent behavior (1 Peter 3:2).

Honesty

If you had to ask married couples what they feel one of the foundations of a marriage should be or what quality they feel would be most important in a mate, I think honesty/trustworthiness would definitely be among most men and women's top traits. When you say your marriage vows, you make a promise to your mate and they take you at your word. We promise to take care of them, provide for them, protect them, and then being human gets in the way. We create situations in our marriage where our spouse doesn't feel provided for, or protected, or taken care of, or loved and they feel that we have let them down and our promises are no longer valid.

In the book "His Needs, Her Needs," Dr.Willard Harley, Jr. says "Whenever and wherever your mate asks you how you feel, tell the truth. It is foolish to lie out of fear that you will hurt your spouse's feelings (or possibly hurt your own pride). Your mate has a right to your innermost thoughts. Your mate should know you better than anyone else in the world- even your parents."

Dr.Harley goes on to say that a man may lie for several reasons:
1.) He lies chronically from an early age.
2.) He wants to avoid trouble.
3.) He thinks the truth might be too much for his wife.

I am guilty of all of these things in my marriage. Dishonesty was a wrecking ball in my marriage. When I was younger, I was wild. I tried to hide these things from my parents so the easiest way to "hide" it was not to tell them the truth. As I got older, I continued to be dishonest about things in my life. When I got married, I told myself that I was going to be different. I was going to be a man of my word. It worked for a very little while, but I was also lazy. I didn't have a job for about the first three months of our marriage. All I did was sit around the apartment playing games on my computer, watching TV and doing nothing constructive. When my wife came home after working all day, I didn't even have dinner ready for her. When she would ask me what I did all day, I would "bend" the truth or just flat out lie to her because deep down, I knew I had no excuse and didn't want to fight with her about it.

Over the course of the next few years of marriage, the dishonesty became more and more abundant in our marriage. It was all from me. I'd been doing it for so long that it was almost second nature for me. As I sit here typing this and thinking back on all of it, it almost makes me sick to my stomach.

Well, the one thing about being dishonest is that the more lies you tell, the more lies you have to come up with to cover up for the ones you've already told. I had put my marriage on the line with my dishonesty. I had put myself above my wife and my daughter. I had put myself above my God. There was so much dishonesty now that I feared my wife couldn't handle it.

As with all situations that are filled with bad things, it finally came to a head. Because of my dishonesty, I've put my marriage in place that it never had to go. But, thank God, I had not lost all of my conscience. This began to produce a deep and profound feeling of guilt. If I wanted my marriage to have a chance, I knew what I had to do.

Dishonesty and lying are parasites that eat away at the very core of a marriage. No one, especially a Christian, should be dishonest. Lies are from Satan himself.

"You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

God hates lies, but when we see the error in our ways, we repent, we ask for forgiveness and we are truthful, we are set free from hold that lies can take on our lives.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

I spent a lot of time praying for strength and for courage to undo what my dishonesty had done. I finally began to break the walls down around me that I had put up so my wife couldn't really see what was inside of me. I did something that I had not done very often... I began to be honest. I confessed my dishonesty to her. Over the course of a couple of weeks, I was able to tell her more and more. It broke her heart and there were many tears shed on both sides.

During all of this, I began noticing something. I began feeling less and less guilty. I began feeling more and more peaceful. I didn't know how it would all play out, but I did know that I was doing the right thing for once in my life. I spent many hours talking to God. I knew in my heart that I was forgiven by Him for all of my transgressions. The Bible says " May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)."

The two questions I still had were: would my wife forgive me and how would I ever rebuild her trust in me? When "two are to become one" (Mark 10:8) and I refuse to share with my wife, then we really aren't one, are we? Her distrust of me hurt her sense of security. I didn't know where or how to start, but I knew one thing... I was going to do all that I could to save my marriage.

I took some of the following steps to begin the healing process. Let me just say that it is an ongoing process and by no means a quick fix if you find yourself in this situation.
-Pray. Pray. Pray. "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thess. 5:17)
-Study the standard of truth that God expects. "The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy." (Proverbs 12:19)
-Don't do anything that you would want to lie about. "In the way of righteousness there is life; along that path is immortality." (Proverbs 12:28)
-Learn from your mistakes. "These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the culmination of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!"(1 Corinthians 10:11-12)
-Remember that I love my wife and I am committed to our marriage. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value." (Proverbs 31:10-11)

Honesty and trust are at the core of a marriage. I can't undo all the things that I have done, but I can move forward with a clear conscience, knowing that my wife has given me an undeserved chance to rebuild. By keeping God first, knowing that He is the truth, and following His standard of truth, I can put all dishonesty away for good. In that process, my wife can see that I am worthy of regaining her trust.

No marriage can survive with dishonesty in it, no matter what the reason. Make it a point to do what is right and truthful. There is nothing worth being dishonest over. Yes, the truth can hurt sometimes, but a lie will grow and grow until it consumes everything in a marriage. Truth is essential for unity.

Prayer: Lord, I thank you for the examples of truth that you have shown me in the Bible. May anyone reading this that has dishonesty in their character or marriage be given the strength to correct it and may their marriages be rebuilt on honesty.

Challenge #1

I want to challenge you today to pray for marriage. Not just your own, but others as well. The response from the launch of this blog has been absolutely overwhelming. There have been lots of success stories from people who have seen dark times and made it through, but there are many others living in those times now that desperately need prayers.

"Thank you Lord for teaching us how to make You the center of our marriage. Humble us to grow beyond our ego, pride and past hurts. Help us to establish and grow the love Christ in us to show each other kindness, trust, patience, forgiveness and divine love. Help me Lord to honor the qualities of my mate. Teach me how to pray for my spouse.

Empower me with courage to speak up for anything out of order in our relationship. Soften my tongue and heart where it has become like stone. Strengthen my flesh and self-esteem where it has become weak.

Whenever we lose the gratitude and passion for each other, guide us in ways to relight the candle of passion that can burn out from stress and time. Bless us to not only see, but honor one another. Help us to not only listen, but hear each other. Bless us to not only cherish one another, but nourish each others dreams and spiritual gifts.

We surrender our marriage and our personal power struggles to You. Teach us to be less controlling and more collaborative in our decisions and problem solving skills. Quicken our minds so we may know how to please, protect and provide for each other. Bless our union to grow stronger, wiser, peaceful and committed. Bring into our circle of friends, examples of healthy committed marriages. Let our children, family and friends see Christ through our example.

Thank you Lord for covering our home with your grace, mercy and favor. Today is a new day that I choose to love, respect and serve my spouse. Give us both the wisdom, patience, love and faith not to give up on each other."

~ written by Jewel Diamond Taylor (http://www.donotgiveup.net/marriageprayer.htm)

Forgiveness

I have spent many nights since the inception of this blog thinking about the thoughts I want to share, what is most important, what I think will reach others... Then as I sat here writing and rewriting this post, there was one thing that came back to me. Forgiveness. We can get it through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, but we are so timid in giving it to one another...especially to the people we love the most.

I mentioned in my previous post that I can be really good at keeping "account of wrongs." If love is not demonstrated by keeping track of all the bad things that are done to you, then how do you fix that? The answer is in forgiveness.

I never really realized how bad I was at forgiving until I learned how good I was at giving the silent treatment. That got me absolutely no where except into a heated argument. Do you remember when you were a kid and you got into a spat with your brother or sister? I remember my parents making me hug my brother and say "I'm sorry." It was the most painful thing I had to do! Unfortunately, too many of us carry that over into our marriages, and I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible at forgiving.

I hated always being the bigger person until I realized that Jesus commanded me to be one. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:21-22) Do you know how fast an "I'm sorry" will diffuse a potentially volatile situation?

At a time when my marriage was really suffering and I was more upset with my husband than I had ever been before, I said to one of my wonderful friends, "How can I forgive him? Doesn't that send him the wrong message?" She replied to me, "No, Koren. You would be demonstrating the love of Christ. Christ forgives us every day for things we do and don't deserve to be forgiven for." "Nooooooooooooooooo!" I thought. "I want to be mad!" I thought that through and through until I realized "No, I don't. I don't want to be mad. I want it to be over and done. I want to move on!"

Those words of wisdom were not at all the words that I wanted to hear at that moment, but these ended up being some of the words that stuck with me through an incredibly difficult time. I kept thinking "I want to be like Christ. I want to demonstrate his love!" I prayed hard on this for weeks and God allowed me to have peace in my heart to begin to show forgiveness towards my husband.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9)

The other thing that hit me in this scenario was that pride has no place in marriage. It is hard thing to tell someone that you are sorry or that you have done something wrong. Let me just say that I have found it very attractive when my husband says "I'm wrong. I'm sorry." It takes a very big person to be able to accept responsibility for something that hurt their spouse. Instead of an issue that escalates into a fight, things stay on a more manageable, calm level and then there is no reason to hold a grudge later on. Ephesians 4:26 says ""In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

I want my daughter to see us be able to say "I forgive you." I want her to see us be able to take responsibility for our actions and be able to say "I'm sorry." I want her to see the love of Christ demonstrated through our actions. Forgiveness is hard, but it is worth every minute of time you spend trying to get it or give it. My marriage was worth it, and so is yours.

Prayer: Dear Lord, thank you so much for the peace you have given me in my heart to learn to forgive. If anyone reading this has difficulty with forgiveness, may you soften their hearts and allow them to sacrifice their pride. Teach us how to not hold grudges and how to not sin when we are angry at our spouses. Help us demonstrate the forgiveness that Christ gives us, even when we do not deserve it.