Positive Words

A few years ago, my husband and I did the "5 Love Languages" devotional.  It was very interesting to see what our love languages were and what we thought each other's were.  Mine was a definite "acts of service."  I see my husband showing me the greatest amount of love and feel the most love towards him when I see him engaging around our home.  His love language was "words of affirmation."  Honestly until we had done this devotional, his need for this had not really crossed my mind.  Essentially what my husband was asking from me is to build him up with compliments, thanks, and kind words.

Over the course of our marriage, we have had several animated discussions over how the tone of our voice or the things that we say can determine whether or not a fight occurs.  Truthfully, this is probably the single-most common conversation we've had in our marriage.  So the question is...what was I doing well and what was I not doing well or at all?  After much reflection and discussion, here is what I feel like I should be constantly aware of and working on when it comes to demonstrating my husband's love language.

1) Thank him often for his hard work.  My husband works very hard at a job that he is very good at.    His hard work allows me to spend most of my time at home with our two beautiful children.  He often puts in long and difficult hours that can affect him physically, mentally and emotionally.  He offers us a comfortable home and lots of nice things.  We are a blessed family and we can thank him for providing for us.

2) Compliment him often.  It's one thing just to not utter cross words to your spouse.  It's another to make an effort to provide them with a compliment.  My husband likes to know when he wears an outfit that I find attractive or when I think he smells particularly good.  I have noticed my compliments usually encourage more of these behaviors too!

3) Compliment him publicly.  It's good that your know how much of a stud your husband is, but it's a great thing for others to know too!  My husband appreciates when I am proud of him and make it known to others.  Sometimes your compliments may even open doors that you weren't expecting!

4) Don't tattle on him to others.  One way to discourage others from saying or thinking about my husband in a positive way is to talk negatively about him to others.  What you say when you're angry, but you are capable of forgiving, may not be so easy for someone else to forgive or forget.  Build up your spouse to others and leave the rest between you, your spouse and God.

5) Don't forget to thank God for him and let them know that you lift him in prayer.  I count my husband as one of my biggest assets and I cannot imagine another partner in this life.  I try to make it a point of praying for my husband and my marriage on a regular basis.

I am by no means perfect in this area.  This is something that I struggle to achieve, probably more than I am good at doing it.  It takes conscious practice until it becomes automatic.  Not robot automatic, but a natural extension of who you are.  I have been amazed when a kind word can turn around a bad work day, give my husband pride, encourage affection, and many other things.  This could apply to wives too- this post isn't just about husbands!  Remember that a "kind answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1) and that was guidance given for all!

Reflections of a Single Man

Marriage. I am not married. Nor have I ever been married. But I can see and I can read. And Marriage isn't what it used to be. I remember seeing people that were 70+ years old. Married couples who had been together through trial, through heartbreak, through stress, through fear, through war, through everything that you can possibly have to deal with and you know what, they were still together. You... know why? Because they respected each other. They treated each other with kindness and compassion. They gave their lives to that person and never selfishly took anything from the other. This is what has brought me here. Seeing selfishness win over compassion. Seeing apathy win over love. I can say with all honesty, that if I were married this very day and this very hour, I would love, honor, and cherish my wife as if she were my own body. I would hold her in higher esteem than anyone else. I would devote myself to her. Care for her. Give her my all and all. I would die for her because that is what love is. Marriage is being with the one you love. Love is sacrificing for that person. Sacrifice cannot occur if all you do is take. If you stifle the one you love they will suffocate. If you take all they can give and still want more they will dry up. If you break them down until they are nothing more than a husk, then you have quite effectively turned a human being into nothing more than an animal. A frightened and weak animal that cannot stand on its own. You have taken its dignity. You have taken its drive. Its ability to produce anything on its own. You have taken all you can. Now you need to stop taking and for the first time in your life give something back. A wise man once told me that women are precious. The first gift ever given on this Earth was a woman. And I don't mean wrapped with ribbon. I mean Eve. God saw that Adam was lonely and he made Eve. Eve was the most precious thing Adam could have ever asked for. And he loved her. He gave her all he could and she gave to him in like manner. If only such things could be true today.

Ladies and Gentleman if you still believe that marriage and love are more than just being able to tell someone what to do, how to think, how to feel, how to behave, or how to live their life. If you believe that to give is more important than to take. If you believe that Love is a sacrifice that reaps more rewards than you could ever truly hope for, please share this. Send it to everyone. Let all the world know that Love is real. It is still here and we shall share it.

1 John 3:18
1 Corinthians 13
Romans 13:8
Ephesians 4:2
Ephesians 5:28, 29

God gave us the ability. Let us finally start to use it again.

 

by Joshua Sommers

used with permission

Encouraging your Wife in her Role as Helper

Following the previous post, the Bible is also very clear on the helper role that a wife is supposed to play in the marriage relationship.  So what happens if your wife has trouble playing the supporting role?  Here are some ideas to encourage your wife towards her God-given role:

1)      Encourage her to be submissive by treating her lovingly.  It is easy for wives to show love towards their husbands, but sometimes it is not so easy the other way around.  When your wife feels loved, she will be more open to treating her husband with the respect he deserves. (Eph. 5:25-33)  Submission is an attitude of respect so be someone that she can respect.

2)      Ask her opinion and treat her thoughts with value.  If this is not something that you routinely do, you will probably find that you have a wife that interjects her opinion frequently.  This opens up the way for disputes and power struggles.  So when there is a weighty decision to be made, or even something of less consequence that might cause your wife worry, ask her what she thinks.  Tell her that you will consider all that she has to say.  Remember that God didn’t think that man should be alone and created a helper for him! (Gen. 2:18)

3)      Listen carefully when she has concerns.  There is nothing worse than a guy who comes home and tunes out his wife.  Chances are she has been waiting to talk to you all day.  Maybe it’s serious, and maybe it’s not. If you make a point of listening thoroughly about the small things (how she decided what to make for dinner, how she managed to get the errands done, how her day was at work).  Then when the big things arise, she will be more likely to approach you sooner and know that she has your undivided attention.

4)      Ask her how you can be of help to her today.  If you have a wife who stays home with the kids, then you know when you get home from work, the last thing she wants is for you to mentally and physically check-out.  She is exhausted too, from taking care of your children or from working.  Chances are you aren’t the only one who has had a busy day, so take a few minutes and ask her how you can help.  If you invest in her physical and mental well-being, she will most likely return the favor.  This can only be a good thing! (Prov. 18:22)

5)      Make good decisions so that she will trust your judgment.  This point weighs on the husbands alone.  If you want her to “let you” make decisions, then make good ones.  If you don’t give her a reason to doubt you, then she won’t.  This is how we operate with our children…we aren’t so unlike that at times!

6)      Pray for her.  Again, if your wife knows that you are invested in her emotionally, physically, and in this case, spiritually, she is going to appreciate you.  God can help husbands be better leaders and He can also help us guide our wives into their helper role. (Ecc. 4:9-12)

You know, before we got married about eight years ago, I remember thinking how much I loved my wife’s headstrong personality.  I still do.  I love that she can be independent, I love that she is capable of thinking for herself, and I love that she can multitask unlike any other.  But as the leadership role is mine and not hers, it has definitely set us up for difficulty at times.  But she has encouraged me along the way to make sure that I am being the leader and not forcing her into that position.  It’s interesting when you think about it that way.  I guess it just goes to show you that the marriages roles are not independent of one another, but interdependent.  God sure did know what He was doing!

Prayer: God, help us husbands to be good leaders in our families so that we can encourage our wives in their roles as help meets.  Help us to treat our wives with great value, so as to build our marriages into stronger ones.

 

Helping your Husband be a Better Leader

The Bible is very clear on the leadership role that a husband is supposed to play in the marriage relationship.  So what happens if your husband struggles as a leader?  Here are some ideas to encourage your husband towards his God-given role:

1)      Don’t try to be the dominant personality in your relationship.  This can be a very difficult thing for strong-willed women to handle.  Many women feel that it says something negative about themselves if they allow their husband to be the head in their marriage.  After the sin in the Garden, Eve was told that her “desire would be to control (her) husband, but he will rule over (her).” (Genesis 3:16)  It is a huge blow to a husband who has been created by God to fulfill this role to have a wife who is constantly trying to take it from him.

2)      If he makes attempts at being a leader, let him.  One thing we’ve learned in our relationship is that when there are attempts being made at growth, it is detrimental and counterproductive for one of us to undo what the other is doing.

3)      Don’t strong arm him into trying to be a better leader.  Think about this in terms of your children.  What child, when forced to do something, ever learns to do it for themself or think for themself?  So what husband, when constantly being chided by his wife, will become a better leader?  The Bible tells us that husbands can be won over by the “chaste and respectful behavior” of their wives (1 Peter 3:7).

4)      Build him up with kind words.  If your husband believes that you support him, no matter what kind of leader he is, he’ll naturally work harder to make sure he stays in your favor.

5)      Afford him some grace when he has lapses in his leadership.  This is difficult to do.  Many times we forget that we ALL “fall short” and that we have to forgive one another when that happens.  How do we forget so often that Christ offers us grace when we fall? (James 4:6)

6)      Pray for him.  We don’t have the power to change hearts, only God does.  God always listens, even when a husband may not. (Phil. 4:6)

I know there have been times where we have had discussions and I say to my husband “I want you to step up more!”  In response, I am usually given one of two things: A) “You’re right.  I need to do better.” Or B) “I’m trying but you won’t let me do it my way.”  A wife who craves good leadership from her husband shouldn’t be overly excited about either answer, but hopefully a conversation of this magnitude will cause you both to examine how you are fulfilling your God-given roles in marriage and cause you to do better for one another.

Prayer: Lord, help our husbands to be good leaders of our families.  Help us to be supportive and submissive.  When they struggle along the way, help us to lift them up instead of tear them down.

Being a Transparent Example in Your Marriage

This post comes out of a million emotions that have soared through the both of us in the last several weeks.  It all started with this conversation between Nathan and I:

"Honey, I just came home from the grocery store and I saw something that made me want to vomit.  I saw someone we know holding the hand of a woman...that wasn't his wife."

We shared some tears and said some prayers for this family because life as they know it will never be the same, regardless of whether or not their marriage is able to be salvaged.  Then, I received this message from a friend:

"I've been pushing and pulling for couples to be more transparent with their lives.  Everyone walks in on Sunday morning with their church-faces on and when a person goes forward or a marriage has problems everyone is dumbfounded.  On the outside it looks like everyone has a perfect marriage and "we" are the only ones with struggles.  I listen to my friends and the things they struggle with (different friends, different couples again and again) and I want them and the OLDER couples to open up to each other so badly!!! Why is it so taboo?"

I had to then reflect on a situation that I became aware of a few months ago where a family that I know and have looked up to was literally ravaged to pieces when the husband of the family tried to kill his wife on multiple occasions.  Several months after this happened, the story was made public in an online newspaper and in one of the comments made on the site it said "The people of the church cared more about their lack of attendance than they did the reason behind it."  No one knew this family was suffering.

This comment was made verbatim to us just before we went through our rough patch: "I'm sorry we haven't spent much time together.  I need to spend time with people who are having issues.  I don't worry about you guys.  You do good work.  You're fine."  Little did that person know, and truthfully, little did we know, that we were going to endure a very dark period within just weeks of that comment being made.  So how when we've been encouraged to "get to know" each other in our churches so that we can be more sensitive to issues when they arise, do we overcome these kinds of stereotypes?

I do have to echo the question asked by my friend...why is it so taboo for us to talk about our marriages?  The Bible has a lot to say about marriage- how to get along with your spouse, how to treat one another, what the marriage sexual relationship is supposed to be, etc.  But I had one section of scripture jumping out of my brain after this series of events happened and it is this:

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good,  and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.  Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled.  Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity..." (Titus 2: 3-7)

How do seasoned Christians expect the younger generations to learn about marriage?  Titus says that they are to TEACH, TRAIN and be an EXAMPLE.  It is 100% completely necessary that we share portions of our marriage in order to teach and instruct others.  I think it's awesome to have "marriage classes" where you study what the Bible has to say about marriage.  But when we treat marriage as if only classroom instruction is necessary, then we neglect the example portion that the older men and women are supposed to provide.

When we decided to start this blog, we wanted to offer something that we had never really been provided with...and that is transparency.  We've had issues of all shapes and sizes.  Some are silly and some are downright disabling.  I don't have to give you a play-by-play of every issue we've had for you to learn something from our experience.  But it's the "perfection appearance syndrome" that makes couples question where to turn when there's trouble, delay getting help, or refuse to solict prayers from people who care.

We can't wait to care until we find out that a young couple is separating because of infidelity, a marriage is so rocky that a man thinks killing his wife is his only way out, or someone in the relationship has an addiction to pornography.  We can't wait to instruct until a wife has left her husband for another man, a couple has infertility issues, or maybe a couple is dealing with the loss of a baby.  We have to set a foundation, now, today. 

Galatians 6:2 tells us to "bear one another's burdens" and James 5:16 tells us to "confess our sins to one another."  We have to take a sincere interest in younger couples.  We have to be able to keep confidential things in trust.  We have to offer Bible knowledge.  We have to offer ourselves as "models of good works."  If we don't do these things, then we just CAN'T be surprised when we see marriages breaking apart.

You've heard the expression "One man's junk is another man's treasure"?  What didn't work for you or your bad experiences may be just the ticket to helping another couple keep themselves from sin.  We can't undervalue what our good and bad marriage experiences can do to build up one another.

Our heartfelt plea is for older couples to take younger ones under their wing.  Be good examples.  Give them a mission, give them purpose.  Offer advice and be in touch.  Be reachable and accessible.  Younger couples, likewise, need to find older couples with sound marriages to model after.  Ask questions!  Learn!  If we can get the older and younger generations in touch with one another, it might just start a marriage revolution!

Prayer:  Lord, help all of us in marriage relationships to be willing to use them to build up and edify one another.  Help us all learn from one another.  Help us to open up so that we won't lose out on opportunities to keep our marriages and other's marriages strong.