This post comes out of a million emotions that have soared through the both of us in the last several weeks. It all started with this conversation between Nathan and I:
"Honey, I just came home from the grocery store and I saw something that made me want to vomit. I saw someone we know holding the hand of a woman...that wasn't his wife."
We shared some tears and said some prayers for this family because life as they know it will never be the same, regardless of whether or not their marriage is able to be salvaged. Then, I received this message from a friend:
"I've been pushing and pulling for couples to be more transparent with their lives. Everyone walks in on Sunday morning with their church-faces on and when a person goes forward or a marriage has problems everyone is dumbfounded. On the outside it looks like everyone has a perfect marriage and "we" are the only ones with struggles. I listen to my friends and the things they struggle with (different friends, different couples again and again) and I want them and the OLDER couples to open up to each other so badly!!! Why is it so taboo?"
I had to then reflect on a situation that I became aware of a few months ago where a family that I know and have looked up to was literally ravaged to pieces when the husband of the family tried to kill his wife on multiple occasions. Several months after this happened, the story was made public in an online newspaper and in one of the comments made on the site it said "The people of the church cared more about their lack of attendance than they did the reason behind it." No one knew this family was suffering.
This comment was made verbatim to us just before we went through our rough patch: "I'm sorry we haven't spent much time together. I need to spend time with people who are having issues. I don't worry about you guys. You do good work. You're fine." Little did that person know, and truthfully, little did we know, that we were going to endure a very dark period within just weeks of that comment being made. So how when we've been encouraged to "get to know" each other in our churches so that we can be more sensitive to issues when they arise, do we overcome these kinds of stereotypes?
I do have to echo the question asked by my friend...why is it so taboo for us to talk about our marriages? The Bible has a lot to say about marriage- how to get along with your spouse, how to treat one another, what the marriage sexual relationship is supposed to be, etc. But I had one section of scripture jumping out of my brain after this series of events happened and it is this:
"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity..." (Titus 2: 3-7)
How do seasoned Christians expect the younger generations to learn about marriage? Titus says that they are to TEACH, TRAIN and be an EXAMPLE. It is 100% completely necessary that we share portions of our marriage in order to teach and instruct others. I think it's awesome to have "marriage classes" where you study what the Bible has to say about marriage. But when we treat marriage as if only classroom instruction is necessary, then we neglect the example portion that the older men and women are supposed to provide.
When we decided to start this blog, we wanted to offer something that we had never really been provided with...and that is transparency. We've had issues of all shapes and sizes. Some are silly and some are downright disabling. I don't have to give you a play-by-play of every issue we've had for you to learn something from our experience. But it's the "perfection appearance syndrome" that makes couples question where to turn when there's trouble, delay getting help, or refuse to solict prayers from people who care.
We can't wait to care until we find out that a young couple is separating because of infidelity, a marriage is so rocky that a man thinks killing his wife is his only way out, or someone in the relationship has an addiction to pornography. We can't wait to instruct until a wife has left her husband for another man, a couple has infertility issues, or maybe a couple is dealing with the loss of a baby. We have to set a foundation, now, today.
Galatians 6:2 tells us to "bear one another's burdens" and James 5:16 tells us to "confess our sins to one another." We have to take a sincere interest in younger couples. We have to be able to keep confidential things in trust. We have to offer Bible knowledge. We have to offer ourselves as "models of good works." If we don't do these things, then we just CAN'T be surprised when we see marriages breaking apart.
You've heard the expression "One man's junk is another man's treasure"? What didn't work for you or your bad experiences may be just the ticket to helping another couple keep themselves from sin. We can't undervalue what our good and bad marriage experiences can do to build up one another.
Our heartfelt plea is for older couples to take younger ones under their wing. Be good examples. Give them a mission, give them purpose. Offer advice and be in touch. Be reachable and accessible. Younger couples, likewise, need to find older couples with sound marriages to model after. Ask questions! Learn! If we can get the older and younger generations in touch with one another, it might just start a marriage revolution!
Prayer: Lord, help all of us in marriage relationships to be willing to use them to build up and edify one another. Help us all learn from one another. Help us to open up so that we won't lose out on opportunities to keep our marriages and other's marriages strong.
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