When we took our littlest one, to the doctor last week we started talking to the him about our lack of sleep as of late. We jokingly talked about how our crabbiness due to a lack of Zzzz's can seep into every crevice of our life and get us agitated with one another. He then proceeded to give us a lecture about the importance of getting good sleep, resting when the kids rest, etc. And then he ended the conversation with this piece of advice. "The best thing you can do for your kids, is to have a good marriage."
This coming from our pediatrician? Or did it say "psychologist" outside the office and we just missed it? When we started thinking and discussing it and came up with this list of ten things we want our kids to learn from our marriage.
1) It's good to be affectionate. I think sometimes parents are to worried for their kids to observe them in any sort of affectionate situation with their spouse. How else are kids supposed to learn how and when the appropriate time to be affectionate is? Their friends and peers will certainly teach them once they get into middle school and high school (or sooner, these days!). Don't go overboard, but your kids should see you having some sort of physical contact with your spouse!
2) Be good sports. Just recently, we were engaged in some games with a group of families. One of the parents refused to participate because their spouse was already playing. The reason? They are too competitive with one another and therefore refuse to engage in any sort of competition together. The unfortunate aspect of this is their kids don't get to see them rise above this and let go to have a good time.
3) Be quick to forgive (and do it out loud). We know that love isn't supposed to "keep account of wrongs" (1 Cor. 13:5), but all too often we do. We need to let go of "the weights that so easily beset us" (Heb. 12:2). Showing forgiveness to our spouses teaches our kids mercy, compassion, and humility. The more you see and do this with your spouse (and your kids!), the more likely they will be to carry this into their future relationships.
4) Be quick to praise. We just got to hear a story from a woman who has been married 51 years. She noted that one of the keys in her relationship has been to openly praise her husband. This past Sunday's church bulletin had an article that concluded with a man surveying the disarray of his home only to find his wife in bed with a book. When he asked her what happened, her reply was "You know when you come home and ask me what I've done all day? Well today I didn't do it!" When we studied the 5 Love Languages, "words of affirmation" was Nathan's love language. Acknowledging a job well done in your home is always very important!
5) Be quick to apologize. Maybe apologizing and forgiveness go hand in hand. Forgiving is when you've been wronged, and apologizing is acknowledging when you've done the wrong. Both are equally as important in a marriage. Apologizing often requires a spouse to "be the bigger person" and humble themselves enough to admit their faults. There are many virtues to be found in one who is able to sacrifice their own pride to say "I'm sorry." Those two little words can do so much! (And if you want your kids to say it nicely to one another...they had better see their parents doing the same!)
6) Persevere. In this day and age when divorce rates are on the rise, it is so uncommon for couples to persevere in their relationships. "For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" sometimes means only as 'worse or poor or sick as I can tolerate' instead of 'I'll stick with you through anything.' Kids need to see parents who are committed to working through the issues, no matter how hard, and building their relationship to be stronger.
7) Pray together. Every time your children see you bow your heads together, they will see how important you take your relationship with God, and they will see that you do it together. It's important to pray for one another in your family and to know that you are actively be prayed for!
8) Worship together. We hear a lot of couples who have interfaith marriages discuss how difficult it is trying to raise kids when they don't have similar religious beliefs or one spouse is an unbeliever. What a mixed message to send to kids! Parents should be openly committed to studying their Bible as a family and learning what God's will is for them.
9) Know when to hold your tongue. We had another woman tell us one of the secrets to her long-lasting marriage was learning when to bite her tongue. Some fights aren't worth having, most jabs aren't worth giving, and some comments aren't worth making. Sometimes we need to learn that controlling the tongue is one of the most difficult things to do, but taming it can only lead to good things.
10) In our marriage, with God, all things are possible. Our faith in God should be able to help us conquer anything good or bad, no matter how big or small. If our kids see our faith wavering, they should also see us trying to restore each other.
This list could probably go on, but it was a good chance for us to sit down and set some goals for our family. What things can you add to this list?
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