Koren's Marriage Busters

I am an independent woman. I always have been, and to an extent, I probably always will be. There is definitely a time and place for this, but unfortunately, being too independent does NOT have a place in marriage. Matthew 19:6 says "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” If God has joined me to my husband and we are one flesh, how does my independence serve him?

I am an accomplished woman. I'm good at a lot of things, and I know it. Sounds conceited, doesn't it? The problem with this is that it makes it hard for me to yield to my husband. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." My heart wasn't submissive because my way was better.

I have a good memory. This is a good thing, right? Well, not when it comes to fighting fair in marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I can remember the context of every fight, the outcome, when, where, why... For Nathan, once it was over, it was over. For me, it was only over until the next time it came up.

I am stubborn. So all the other things I've said about myself have been good things gone bad. There is no good spin on this one unless you are dealing with a used car salesman. When we married, Nathan's mom said that we were both so stubborn that it would either be the best or the worst thing for us. Unfortunately, we both had a hard time backing down from a fight. It got to a point where Nathan just wouldn't tell me things so we wouldn't have a confrontation. I begged him to be the bigger person because I was sick and tired of always being the bigger person. I wanted him to change.

You know, I was a good wife in spite of him. That was my attitude. I'm doing a good job even though you aren't. Wow. Sounds terrible to acknowledge that out loud. The first time I really said that, I broke into tears. What a horrible attitude. I knew I needed to change some things too, but I refused to relent since he needed to change. Then I read something that then changed my attitude, and really probably my whole life.

Someone had asked Nathan and I to read the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich. (You will probably read many references in my posts to this book as time goes on.) Here's what it said (paraphrased): When both of you needs to change,who should change first?Whoever is the most mature.

That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was looking at the speck in Nathan's eye and completely refusing to see the plank in my own eye (Matthew 7:3)! I broke down in tears. It is so easy to blame others, but so difficult to assess your own blame. It may sound silly, but I knew I was the more mature one in our relationship. When I realized that I should have done something about myself first...the ONLY person that I could control in our relationship, I felt equally burdened and yet free.

When I admitted this to Nathan, he couldn't believe those words coming out of my mouth. I was mad at him, and yet here I was accepting responsibility for helping to cultivate a negative environment in our marriage? After this, Nathan was able to open up to me about areas where he had failed. It was all out there, all on the table. No more blindness, no more blame. Just total responsibility and acceptance of our actions.

Then our marriage began to heal.

Prayer: Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the areas that I failed in my marriage. May others who may read this story find a way to reach out to their spouse and accept responsibility for their own failures. May we all learn to sacrifice self and selfishness to cultivate a better environment for our marriage. May we put away our pride and learn to "submit to one another (Eph. 5:21)." Please continue to bless our marriage.