I doubt myself a lot. Maybe I shouldn't because most people who know me would say that I'm pretty outgoing, smart, and funny. Me, I see myself as unsure and shy. I hate public speaking. I'm good at my job, but I don't love it. If it was up to me, I would be on the internet reading articles about planes and the weather all day long. But that is not what God has called me to do.
When I got married, I became an instant leader, a quality that didn't necessarily come naturally to me. I was a little wild back in my younger years and when Koren and I met, I was just on the upswing of reestablishing my relationship with God. When I met her, she was exactly what I wasn't. Organized, punctual, driven and involved. She balanced me out and made me better. Koren will be the first to tell you that she is a little high-strung, and I was more laid-back so this was a win-win situation.
The first time I ever saw her picture, I knew I was going to marry her. Love at first sight. Yeah, I still believe in it, but let me say that there is much, much, much more to a marriage than love.
Who doesn't like to just hang out when they get home? I'm exhausted. I work long hours on my feet in a heavy lead apron. I get home and my wife is wanting me to take out the trash, help fold laundry...now it is to relieve her from our daughter for just 15 minutes of time for her. Why was she always so stressed and so upset? Why couldn't she just sit down and watch tv with me at the end of the day? The house can wait, right?
The first time I realized how hard it was on Koren was when she was pregnant. She drove 45 minutes to/from work and worked 10 hour days. She would come home and still have dinner to make and the house to clean. I have Mondays off and I liked to enjoy my day off. Rest, surf the net, catch up on the DVR. One night she let me have it. "I'm pregnant, working 40 plus hours, and keeping up with the house by myself! Is it too much to ask that you help on your day off?" YES IT IS, I would think. Then the baby came. It was harder and worse on her to keep up with everything because our baby would hardly ever let her be put down. She was so stressed...why wouldn't she just leave me alone?
I never knew why it was that big of a deal. Then one day, as my marriage was in its darkest place, I realized...I am lazy. I don't like to do things. I don't like to take initiative. Why? I don't know...but it wasn't helping my marriage. Then I decided to change.
It was Christmas day. Both sets of our parents were coming over for dinner. My wife and I were in the kitchen with matching aprons on. Our daughter was playing with her new toys and my wife was not stressed. Not one bit. Why is she so different? Then it hit me. It's because I'm being helpful. It's because she doesn't have to focus on a million things at once. She's happy and she's enjoying herself. Then I really began to fall in love with her all over again.
Genesis 2:18 says that God made woman to be a helper to man. Doesn't that imply that we should be in it together? We are one spirit, one flesh, so we should be united, even in "menial" things like housework!
My attitude also reflected one other fatal flaw and it was ultimately what put our marriage at it's most risky state... I was selfish. I was selfish with my time, with...well everything, I guess. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. I was out for what suited me. This was when Satan captured my heart.
I let other things and other people fill my life. I let anger creep into my heart. I quit talking to my wife about things that bothered me about life and about our marriage. I literally shut down and made no effort to change it. We would fight and she would ask me to change, and I would agree and then make no effort.
Finally, one day as I faced whether or not my marriage would stay alive, I realized that I had to change. It had to be more than words, it had to be action. I had to serve my wife. I had to show her I loved her. Sometimes to her, that meant helping her keep up with the house or keeping my daughter occupied so she could take a shower. It meant sacrifice of self. It meant telling God, I sacrifice ALL of myself to have ALL of you...and ALL of my wife.
I love my wife. I love my daughter. My family is more precious to me than I ever though imaginable. I determined in my heart to confess my sins, put away my sins, sacrifice myself and to become a servant to become a leader and someone my family could be proud of. Someone my wife would be happy to have on her arm. Someone my daughter will look up to one day. Someone that people will look at and say "He is a Christian."
Then my marriage began to heal.
Prayer: God, thank you for teaching me to rise to be a leader in my family. May any man who reads this realize that it is never too late to become a leader in his own family. May we all learn to sacrifice ourselves for our wives and to learn to demonstrate our love by whatever means necessary.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Koren's Marriage Busters
I am an independent woman. I always have been, and to an extent, I probably always will be. There is definitely a time and place for this, but unfortunately, being too independent does NOT have a place in marriage. Matthew 19:6 says "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” If God has joined me to my husband and we are one flesh, how does my independence serve him?
I am an accomplished woman. I'm good at a lot of things, and I know it. Sounds conceited, doesn't it? The problem with this is that it makes it hard for me to yield to my husband. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." My heart wasn't submissive because my way was better.
I have a good memory. This is a good thing, right? Well, not when it comes to fighting fair in marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I can remember the context of every fight, the outcome, when, where, why... For Nathan, once it was over, it was over. For me, it was only over until the next time it came up.
I am stubborn. So all the other things I've said about myself have been good things gone bad. There is no good spin on this one unless you are dealing with a used car salesman. When we married, Nathan's mom said that we were both so stubborn that it would either be the best or the worst thing for us. Unfortunately, we both had a hard time backing down from a fight. It got to a point where Nathan just wouldn't tell me things so we wouldn't have a confrontation. I begged him to be the bigger person because I was sick and tired of always being the bigger person. I wanted him to change.
You know, I was a good wife in spite of him. That was my attitude. I'm doing a good job even though you aren't. Wow. Sounds terrible to acknowledge that out loud. The first time I really said that, I broke into tears. What a horrible attitude. I knew I needed to change some things too, but I refused to relent since he needed to change. Then I read something that then changed my attitude, and really probably my whole life.
Someone had asked Nathan and I to read the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich. (You will probably read many references in my posts to this book as time goes on.) Here's what it said (paraphrased): When both of you needs to change,who should change first?Whoever is the most mature.
That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was looking at the speck in Nathan's eye and completely refusing to see the plank in my own eye (Matthew 7:3)! I broke down in tears. It is so easy to blame others, but so difficult to assess your own blame. It may sound silly, but I knew I was the more mature one in our relationship. When I realized that I should have done something about myself first...the ONLY person that I could control in our relationship, I felt equally burdened and yet free.
When I admitted this to Nathan, he couldn't believe those words coming out of my mouth. I was mad at him, and yet here I was accepting responsibility for helping to cultivate a negative environment in our marriage? After this, Nathan was able to open up to me about areas where he had failed. It was all out there, all on the table. No more blindness, no more blame. Just total responsibility and acceptance of our actions.
Then our marriage began to heal.
Prayer: Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the areas that I failed in my marriage. May others who may read this story find a way to reach out to their spouse and accept responsibility for their own failures. May we all learn to sacrifice self and selfishness to cultivate a better environment for our marriage. May we put away our pride and learn to "submit to one another (Eph. 5:21)." Please continue to bless our marriage.
I am an accomplished woman. I'm good at a lot of things, and I know it. Sounds conceited, doesn't it? The problem with this is that it makes it hard for me to yield to my husband. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." My heart wasn't submissive because my way was better.
I have a good memory. This is a good thing, right? Well, not when it comes to fighting fair in marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says "It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I can remember the context of every fight, the outcome, when, where, why... For Nathan, once it was over, it was over. For me, it was only over until the next time it came up.
I am stubborn. So all the other things I've said about myself have been good things gone bad. There is no good spin on this one unless you are dealing with a used car salesman. When we married, Nathan's mom said that we were both so stubborn that it would either be the best or the worst thing for us. Unfortunately, we both had a hard time backing down from a fight. It got to a point where Nathan just wouldn't tell me things so we wouldn't have a confrontation. I begged him to be the bigger person because I was sick and tired of always being the bigger person. I wanted him to change.
You know, I was a good wife in spite of him. That was my attitude. I'm doing a good job even though you aren't. Wow. Sounds terrible to acknowledge that out loud. The first time I really said that, I broke into tears. What a horrible attitude. I knew I needed to change some things too, but I refused to relent since he needed to change. Then I read something that then changed my attitude, and really probably my whole life.
Someone had asked Nathan and I to read the book "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich. (You will probably read many references in my posts to this book as time goes on.) Here's what it said (paraphrased): When both of you needs to change,who should change first?Whoever is the most mature.
That phrase hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I was looking at the speck in Nathan's eye and completely refusing to see the plank in my own eye (Matthew 7:3)! I broke down in tears. It is so easy to blame others, but so difficult to assess your own blame. It may sound silly, but I knew I was the more mature one in our relationship. When I realized that I should have done something about myself first...the ONLY person that I could control in our relationship, I felt equally burdened and yet free.
When I admitted this to Nathan, he couldn't believe those words coming out of my mouth. I was mad at him, and yet here I was accepting responsibility for helping to cultivate a negative environment in our marriage? After this, Nathan was able to open up to me about areas where he had failed. It was all out there, all on the table. No more blindness, no more blame. Just total responsibility and acceptance of our actions.
Then our marriage began to heal.
Prayer: Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to the areas that I failed in my marriage. May others who may read this story find a way to reach out to their spouse and accept responsibility for their own failures. May we all learn to sacrifice self and selfishness to cultivate a better environment for our marriage. May we put away our pride and learn to "submit to one another (Eph. 5:21)." Please continue to bless our marriage.
Preface
I love my husband. Most people would probably think that is a no brainer. You know how most people will tell you that the "first year of marriage is the hardest"? Well, it was. It was rough. But this past year we had was rougher. We were new, sleep-deprived parents finding less and less time for each other. Unfortunately, this meant that there was more and more time for Satan to find a way to spend time with us. It nearly ate us alive.
Some of it was a surprise. Some of it, not so much. But in a society where it is common to get divorced for any and every reason, and more and more youths not even believing in the institution of marriage anymore, we didn't want to be a statistic. We also don't believe in divorce for any reason. So how do you make a struggling marriage work, and even more than that...make it thrive?
I didn't have these answers six months ago. I still don't have them all today as I sit here writing this post. But, I love my husband. I love my family. I love my God. Knowing all those things made a very difficult and challenging situation easier. I can honestly say that I am experiencing a more fulfilling, exciting, and spiritual marriage than I ever was before.
We have thought and prayed on how we could use our experiences, both good and bad, and share insights from our marriage and from God's word with others. We both felt that God was "calling" us to help others. This blog is the first step in our quest to encourage others to have God-filled marriages and to not just make it work, but THRIVE!
Nathan and I will be posting weekly different articles, thoughts, tips, insights and whatever else we can get our hands on and have the ability to share. We hope that if you find this blog encouraging, helpful or useful to yourself, your spouse, or others you may know, that you pass it on. May God bless you and your marriage.
Prayer: Lord, please bless those that come across this site. May we all hold to the institution that you have created. It is the only institution on this earth that parallels the relationship of your son, Jesus, with the church. May we learn to put aside anything that might encumber us on our journey. Bless our marriages to last a lifetime.
Some of it was a surprise. Some of it, not so much. But in a society where it is common to get divorced for any and every reason, and more and more youths not even believing in the institution of marriage anymore, we didn't want to be a statistic. We also don't believe in divorce for any reason. So how do you make a struggling marriage work, and even more than that...make it thrive?
I didn't have these answers six months ago. I still don't have them all today as I sit here writing this post. But, I love my husband. I love my family. I love my God. Knowing all those things made a very difficult and challenging situation easier. I can honestly say that I am experiencing a more fulfilling, exciting, and spiritual marriage than I ever was before.
We have thought and prayed on how we could use our experiences, both good and bad, and share insights from our marriage and from God's word with others. We both felt that God was "calling" us to help others. This blog is the first step in our quest to encourage others to have God-filled marriages and to not just make it work, but THRIVE!
Nathan and I will be posting weekly different articles, thoughts, tips, insights and whatever else we can get our hands on and have the ability to share. We hope that if you find this blog encouraging, helpful or useful to yourself, your spouse, or others you may know, that you pass it on. May God bless you and your marriage.
Prayer: Lord, please bless those that come across this site. May we all hold to the institution that you have created. It is the only institution on this earth that parallels the relationship of your son, Jesus, with the church. May we learn to put aside anything that might encumber us on our journey. Bless our marriages to last a lifetime.
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