We have had the privilege, since the inception of this blog, to have many conversations with Christian couples who are thriving and struggling in their marriages. It has been a blessing to our marriage to learn from others, as well as to help others through the word of God and our own personal struggles and triumphs.
Several people have asked us for recommendations on books that we have found helpful or enjoyable. We have read quite a bit on those claiming to be "marriage authorities" out there. There are definitely some that are better than others. The one book that has seemed quite controversial in conversations has been "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. We have heard the remark multiple times "I don't need to read a book on divorce or affairs. My marriage isn't there." I would assert that instead of assuming your marriage is okay, "divorce-proofing" is exactly what we should be doing and learning to meet the needs of our spouse is exactly how we do this. When we meet the needs of our spouse, then there is no reason for them to seek anything or anyone outside of your marriage. That is the premise of "His Needs, Her Needs."
However, this post is not in defense or really even in recommendation of the book. I thought it would be helpful, and hopefully edifying, to share the story of a couple who thought they were "fine" and found themselves devastated after an affair entered their marriage. I have permission to share this story, but the anonymity of the family will be preserved due to the delicate nature of the situation. Please consider their story carefully.
"It was a typical day and I was coming home from work. As I was driving I was thinking that my husband and I hadn't really been fighting lately and everything was going pretty well. That sure was nice to have some peace around the house. I got home that day, and my husband was already home. I started making preparations for dinner, when all the noise in the house was suddenly gone. It startled me and I looked at my husband. He looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "I need to tell you something..." he said.
My heart pounded. It was like I already knew the answer before he could even spit the words out of his mouth. "You are having an affair, aren't you?" I asked. "Yes" he replied. "When?" I countered. "A few months ago. It's been over for a while. I thought I could just move past it, but I couldn't stand not telling you," he said. My disbelief slowly turned into rage. I removed my wedding rings and threw them on the floor. "We're over!" I screamed. "Get out. NOW!"
From that moment forward, it was all a blur. I had small children at home to care for and all the sudden I couldn't even take care of myself. The sobs came uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what to do. How was I going to survive? How would I pay for everything? How was I going to share custody of my children? Divorce was the only option. I had made it clear when I married my husband that I would never stand for infidelity in my marriage.
He left. I took his credit card. I didn't trust him not to try to take our money. Did I even know this man? I gave him enough money for a hotel room and told him not to contact me. What should have felt like relief when he left, was not even close. What did I do? I called my mom and she came over and watched the kids while I recounted the memory of that moment over and over. Why? How? I cried until I had no energy left.
The next few days continued in a blur. I cried. I barely slept. I couldn't eat. My mom stayed and helped with the kids so I could figure out what to do. We didn't see each other or talk for almost a week. I didn't talk to my kids about their dad. Finally, we talked. He was trying to get help. He was working through his issues, but he confessed he didn't want our marriage to be over. He said he knew the only way we could survive was for him to be honest and have a new start...but whether I could forgive him was another story.
I finally started asking details about the affair. Some might think it crazy, but I wanted to know everything. If there was any chance at me getting through this, I had to know it all to see if I could push through it. She worked with him. She started showing up randomly in his office. She would compliment him. She would email him and text him. What started off so "innocent" became explicit very quickly. They were sleeping together in less than two weeks after it started. His guilt eventually overcame him and the sexual part of the affair ended, but their contact didn't.
I made the decision to contact her. Yes, her. She wouldn't answer me at first, but she told me she had nothing to explain to me. He was a big boy and made his decision to be with her. I told her I didn't deny that, but she was 50% of the problem. How could she do this to me? To my family?
Months passed. My husband was not living at home. We would spend evenings talking and recounting over the aspects of the affair. We would cry. Then we would pray. We talked about how we made it to this point. What needs was I not meeting for him to seek it from another woman? What did I need from him to even consider forgiveness?
Healing began. Last Christmas, he moved home. We were separated, but started "dating" each other again to see if we still had that spark together. I fully believe that if I had not had children, I would have divorced him immediately. But children bring another perspective into the relationship. I wouldn't stay with him if I couldn't reconnect, but I was going to try. I owed that to my kids.
Eventually, I figured I owed it to myself. I found myself falling for the new man I saw before me. I found myself rediscovering the man I loved before. I found myself realizing that God wanted to to have a successful marriage, and this man could still be the one. I found myself discovering forgiveness.
We just passed the year mark of that terrible day. I'm happy to say we are together and in love. If it hadn't been for God and the strength He provided me and the courage He gave me, I would have never survived it. I will spend the rest of my days thanking Him and hoping my marriage can glorify His name."
I share this with you to say, see, it does happen. I know all too many people that it has happened to recently. But even more, there can be forgiveness and there can be a way to make marriage work. Too many people give up when times get tough, but I'm not sure there could be a rougher time than a couple enduring an affair. I'm glad I could share this story with you, and I pray you keep this family and their marriage in your prayers. They are still rebuilding, but getting stronger every day.
Divorce-proof your marriage. Be committed to meeting your spouses needs and there won't be a reason for them to look elsewhere. God wants it to be one man, one woman for a lifetime. With Him, all things are possible! (Phil. 4:13)
Friday, November 18, 2011
Unity: Finances
Thanks to everyone for their patience and encouragement as we endured a set-back without a working computer in the house for quite some time! We are now up and running and this is our "trial post" to see how everything goes!
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
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