30 Days of Encouraging Your Husband
Imagine going 30 days without saying anything negative about your husband. This video is very interesting! I highly recommend you take 20 minutes of your time to watch this.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Making Time for your Marriage
This post seems approprite given the new and exciting addition to our family, and the subtraction of time for one another!
We had lots of great ideas, having already had one kiddo, on how to keep the flame lit under our marriage, how to not let us go too long without a date night, how to keep the lines of communication open, etc. Well, a few months of little sleep, sick kids, extra work hours can do a number on your marriage without you even realizing it!
It starts as something small...you get a little irritated at something that was said, or a pair of socks left on the floor, or your spouse just didn't say "how was your day?" soon enough after walking in the door. No one talks about it. Both parties keep getting more irritable until one day you have a knock-down, drag-out fight and you really aren't even for sure why you are fighting.
1 Corinthians 7:5 says "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Yes, in this context, the verse is referring to sexual relations with your spouse. But let's be honest wives...after you've had a baby or after a long day at home without help, this is the LAST thing on your mind. Wives need some mental and emotional support too, probably even more than the need for sexual intimacy with their husbands.
If this is lacking in a marriage, may we suggest that it is extremely important that you find a way to be intimate with your spouse in some other fashion and by mutual consent, as the Bible suggests. I had a friend who said to me "I've just been so busy with my baby (who was about six months at this time) that I just don't have time for my husband. Hopefully after she's one, I'll work on getting that back on track." Yikes!!!
Most husbands don't appreciate being separated like that for long periods of time, and unfortunately, they often won't admit it. When they do, are you, wives, quick to dismiss him with how long and hard your day has been? Husbands, do you spend time meeting your wives needs for emotional connection with you when you are home and present? Or are you mentally checked out after a long day at work or too busy playing on your Iphone to see how much your wife needs you?
We must be in a constant state of wondering what we can do for our spouses. If you don't know, then ask. Many wives expect their husbands to read their minds. I've got news for you... this is impossible! I haven't met a husband yet who is a mind reader. Husbands can often be driven by a quick mood of spontaneity, whereas the wives often have their days planned out in order to keep their sanity! Each of these scenarios can be a recipe for disaster in your marriage!
The verse above also states that when you are apart from your spouse physically, that you are still achieving the mental and emotional intimacy that accompanies prayer. Your lines of communication with the Most High are open, as should they be with your spouse!
The verse also warns of the dangers of not being intimate with one another...Satan enters the picture and self-control can be lost. This could take many forms...adultery, excessive fighting, abuse, tempers with children, addictions, etc. The lack of self-control can lead to sin, and if you want to see your spouse in Heaven, you should be doing everything in your power to keep them from this!
So the point is, make time for one another, to meet each other's physical/emotional needs for intimacy. Someone once said to me "the kids will still be there...but if you don't pay attention to the needs of your spouse, he may not." Very wise counsel, in my opinion. Now, excuse me while I go make some dinner reservations...
Prayer: Lord, help us all to make time in our marriages to reconnect on a regular basis. Help us to keep the lines of communication open with one another. Let us meet each other's needs daily so the devil doesn't have any opportunities to creep into our marriages.
We had lots of great ideas, having already had one kiddo, on how to keep the flame lit under our marriage, how to not let us go too long without a date night, how to keep the lines of communication open, etc. Well, a few months of little sleep, sick kids, extra work hours can do a number on your marriage without you even realizing it!
It starts as something small...you get a little irritated at something that was said, or a pair of socks left on the floor, or your spouse just didn't say "how was your day?" soon enough after walking in the door. No one talks about it. Both parties keep getting more irritable until one day you have a knock-down, drag-out fight and you really aren't even for sure why you are fighting.
1 Corinthians 7:5 says "Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
Yes, in this context, the verse is referring to sexual relations with your spouse. But let's be honest wives...after you've had a baby or after a long day at home without help, this is the LAST thing on your mind. Wives need some mental and emotional support too, probably even more than the need for sexual intimacy with their husbands.
If this is lacking in a marriage, may we suggest that it is extremely important that you find a way to be intimate with your spouse in some other fashion and by mutual consent, as the Bible suggests. I had a friend who said to me "I've just been so busy with my baby (who was about six months at this time) that I just don't have time for my husband. Hopefully after she's one, I'll work on getting that back on track." Yikes!!!
Most husbands don't appreciate being separated like that for long periods of time, and unfortunately, they often won't admit it. When they do, are you, wives, quick to dismiss him with how long and hard your day has been? Husbands, do you spend time meeting your wives needs for emotional connection with you when you are home and present? Or are you mentally checked out after a long day at work or too busy playing on your Iphone to see how much your wife needs you?
We must be in a constant state of wondering what we can do for our spouses. If you don't know, then ask. Many wives expect their husbands to read their minds. I've got news for you... this is impossible! I haven't met a husband yet who is a mind reader. Husbands can often be driven by a quick mood of spontaneity, whereas the wives often have their days planned out in order to keep their sanity! Each of these scenarios can be a recipe for disaster in your marriage!
The verse above also states that when you are apart from your spouse physically, that you are still achieving the mental and emotional intimacy that accompanies prayer. Your lines of communication with the Most High are open, as should they be with your spouse!
The verse also warns of the dangers of not being intimate with one another...Satan enters the picture and self-control can be lost. This could take many forms...adultery, excessive fighting, abuse, tempers with children, addictions, etc. The lack of self-control can lead to sin, and if you want to see your spouse in Heaven, you should be doing everything in your power to keep them from this!
So the point is, make time for one another, to meet each other's physical/emotional needs for intimacy. Someone once said to me "the kids will still be there...but if you don't pay attention to the needs of your spouse, he may not." Very wise counsel, in my opinion. Now, excuse me while I go make some dinner reservations...
Prayer: Lord, help us all to make time in our marriages to reconnect on a regular basis. Help us to keep the lines of communication open with one another. Let us meet each other's needs daily so the devil doesn't have any opportunities to creep into our marriages.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
A Marriage of Purpose
Thanks to everyone for hanging in with us as we have endured yet more computer issues.
As we have discussed the purpose for marriage and what God desires for us in our marriage...we have learned that God doesn't want us to settle or have a mediocre marriage. That wasn't His design. He wants our marriage to be fulfilling...He stated it when He created the first couple. "The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)
Are you muddling through in your marriage? Are you bored with each other? Are you two people just coexisting together? That does not sound like fun! If you got married to enjoy the company of your spouse, how do you let that slip away? It might sound difficult after trying times or after a lack of a connection, but it isn't impossible! Too many people are willing to let their marriages become defeated and not do anything to fight for its life.
Marriage is the only earthly relationship that can parallel Christ's love for the church. In fact, husbands are given a very specific command regarding this. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Ephesians 5:25) Christ loved the church so much that he DIED for it! When we got married, we promised our spouse that we would stick with them through the good and the bad, sickness and in health, better or worse... when do we give up on the fact that we would give our lives for one another?
You might say "I do love my wife." "I do love my husband." But, your actions don't reveal this kind of sacrifical love for one another. Jesus demanded that if you love him, that it had to be demonstrated! (John 21:14-16) Does a husband or wife not have the same ability to demand that if you love one another, that it be shown?
We have seen too many couples who have struggled to hold their marriages together. Their marriages have been dealt the "death blow," but they continue to "try to make it work." They stay together because of God's feelings on divorce (Matt. 5:32), but fail to rebuild their marriages. They stay together because they have children, but fail to be more than coparents. How is this pleasing to your spouse, or more importantly, pleasing to God?
The Bible is full of commandments from God on His expectations for Christian living. Marriage is included in that. "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Eph. 5:33) God says if we love Him, we must keep His commandments. (John 14:15) We cannot be demonstrating love and glory to God, if we aren't demonstrating it in our marriages. God will hold us responsible for our actions and reverence towards His commands on Judgment Day.
We have learned that we don't want our marriage and our lack of respect/love for one another to be the reason we don't get to go to heaven. We want to go there more than anything and we also want to be there together. If God wants us to keep His commandments, then that includes our marriage. If we don't want to settle, then we shouldn't expect God to either.
As we have discussed the purpose for marriage and what God desires for us in our marriage...we have learned that God doesn't want us to settle or have a mediocre marriage. That wasn't His design. He wants our marriage to be fulfilling...He stated it when He created the first couple. "The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)
Are you muddling through in your marriage? Are you bored with each other? Are you two people just coexisting together? That does not sound like fun! If you got married to enjoy the company of your spouse, how do you let that slip away? It might sound difficult after trying times or after a lack of a connection, but it isn't impossible! Too many people are willing to let their marriages become defeated and not do anything to fight for its life.
Marriage is the only earthly relationship that can parallel Christ's love for the church. In fact, husbands are given a very specific command regarding this. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Ephesians 5:25) Christ loved the church so much that he DIED for it! When we got married, we promised our spouse that we would stick with them through the good and the bad, sickness and in health, better or worse... when do we give up on the fact that we would give our lives for one another?
You might say "I do love my wife." "I do love my husband." But, your actions don't reveal this kind of sacrifical love for one another. Jesus demanded that if you love him, that it had to be demonstrated! (John 21:14-16) Does a husband or wife not have the same ability to demand that if you love one another, that it be shown?
We have seen too many couples who have struggled to hold their marriages together. Their marriages have been dealt the "death blow," but they continue to "try to make it work." They stay together because of God's feelings on divorce (Matt. 5:32), but fail to rebuild their marriages. They stay together because they have children, but fail to be more than coparents. How is this pleasing to your spouse, or more importantly, pleasing to God?
The Bible is full of commandments from God on His expectations for Christian living. Marriage is included in that. "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Eph. 5:33) God says if we love Him, we must keep His commandments. (John 14:15) We cannot be demonstrating love and glory to God, if we aren't demonstrating it in our marriages. God will hold us responsible for our actions and reverence towards His commands on Judgment Day.
We have learned that we don't want our marriage and our lack of respect/love for one another to be the reason we don't get to go to heaven. We want to go there more than anything and we also want to be there together. If God wants us to keep His commandments, then that includes our marriage. If we don't want to settle, then we shouldn't expect God to either.
Friday, November 18, 2011
A Year after the Affair: A Story of Tears to Triumph
We have had the privilege, since the inception of this blog, to have many conversations with Christian couples who are thriving and struggling in their marriages. It has been a blessing to our marriage to learn from others, as well as to help others through the word of God and our own personal struggles and triumphs.
Several people have asked us for recommendations on books that we have found helpful or enjoyable. We have read quite a bit on those claiming to be "marriage authorities" out there. There are definitely some that are better than others. The one book that has seemed quite controversial in conversations has been "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. We have heard the remark multiple times "I don't need to read a book on divorce or affairs. My marriage isn't there." I would assert that instead of assuming your marriage is okay, "divorce-proofing" is exactly what we should be doing and learning to meet the needs of our spouse is exactly how we do this. When we meet the needs of our spouse, then there is no reason for them to seek anything or anyone outside of your marriage. That is the premise of "His Needs, Her Needs."
However, this post is not in defense or really even in recommendation of the book. I thought it would be helpful, and hopefully edifying, to share the story of a couple who thought they were "fine" and found themselves devastated after an affair entered their marriage. I have permission to share this story, but the anonymity of the family will be preserved due to the delicate nature of the situation. Please consider their story carefully.
"It was a typical day and I was coming home from work. As I was driving I was thinking that my husband and I hadn't really been fighting lately and everything was going pretty well. That sure was nice to have some peace around the house. I got home that day, and my husband was already home. I started making preparations for dinner, when all the noise in the house was suddenly gone. It startled me and I looked at my husband. He looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "I need to tell you something..." he said.
My heart pounded. It was like I already knew the answer before he could even spit the words out of his mouth. "You are having an affair, aren't you?" I asked. "Yes" he replied. "When?" I countered. "A few months ago. It's been over for a while. I thought I could just move past it, but I couldn't stand not telling you," he said. My disbelief slowly turned into rage. I removed my wedding rings and threw them on the floor. "We're over!" I screamed. "Get out. NOW!"
From that moment forward, it was all a blur. I had small children at home to care for and all the sudden I couldn't even take care of myself. The sobs came uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what to do. How was I going to survive? How would I pay for everything? How was I going to share custody of my children? Divorce was the only option. I had made it clear when I married my husband that I would never stand for infidelity in my marriage.
He left. I took his credit card. I didn't trust him not to try to take our money. Did I even know this man? I gave him enough money for a hotel room and told him not to contact me. What should have felt like relief when he left, was not even close. What did I do? I called my mom and she came over and watched the kids while I recounted the memory of that moment over and over. Why? How? I cried until I had no energy left.
The next few days continued in a blur. I cried. I barely slept. I couldn't eat. My mom stayed and helped with the kids so I could figure out what to do. We didn't see each other or talk for almost a week. I didn't talk to my kids about their dad. Finally, we talked. He was trying to get help. He was working through his issues, but he confessed he didn't want our marriage to be over. He said he knew the only way we could survive was for him to be honest and have a new start...but whether I could forgive him was another story.
I finally started asking details about the affair. Some might think it crazy, but I wanted to know everything. If there was any chance at me getting through this, I had to know it all to see if I could push through it. She worked with him. She started showing up randomly in his office. She would compliment him. She would email him and text him. What started off so "innocent" became explicit very quickly. They were sleeping together in less than two weeks after it started. His guilt eventually overcame him and the sexual part of the affair ended, but their contact didn't.
I made the decision to contact her. Yes, her. She wouldn't answer me at first, but she told me she had nothing to explain to me. He was a big boy and made his decision to be with her. I told her I didn't deny that, but she was 50% of the problem. How could she do this to me? To my family?
Months passed. My husband was not living at home. We would spend evenings talking and recounting over the aspects of the affair. We would cry. Then we would pray. We talked about how we made it to this point. What needs was I not meeting for him to seek it from another woman? What did I need from him to even consider forgiveness?
Healing began. Last Christmas, he moved home. We were separated, but started "dating" each other again to see if we still had that spark together. I fully believe that if I had not had children, I would have divorced him immediately. But children bring another perspective into the relationship. I wouldn't stay with him if I couldn't reconnect, but I was going to try. I owed that to my kids.
Eventually, I figured I owed it to myself. I found myself falling for the new man I saw before me. I found myself rediscovering the man I loved before. I found myself realizing that God wanted to to have a successful marriage, and this man could still be the one. I found myself discovering forgiveness.
We just passed the year mark of that terrible day. I'm happy to say we are together and in love. If it hadn't been for God and the strength He provided me and the courage He gave me, I would have never survived it. I will spend the rest of my days thanking Him and hoping my marriage can glorify His name."
I share this with you to say, see, it does happen. I know all too many people that it has happened to recently. But even more, there can be forgiveness and there can be a way to make marriage work. Too many people give up when times get tough, but I'm not sure there could be a rougher time than a couple enduring an affair. I'm glad I could share this story with you, and I pray you keep this family and their marriage in your prayers. They are still rebuilding, but getting stronger every day.
Divorce-proof your marriage. Be committed to meeting your spouses needs and there won't be a reason for them to look elsewhere. God wants it to be one man, one woman for a lifetime. With Him, all things are possible! (Phil. 4:13)
Several people have asked us for recommendations on books that we have found helpful or enjoyable. We have read quite a bit on those claiming to be "marriage authorities" out there. There are definitely some that are better than others. The one book that has seemed quite controversial in conversations has been "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Willard Harley. We have heard the remark multiple times "I don't need to read a book on divorce or affairs. My marriage isn't there." I would assert that instead of assuming your marriage is okay, "divorce-proofing" is exactly what we should be doing and learning to meet the needs of our spouse is exactly how we do this. When we meet the needs of our spouse, then there is no reason for them to seek anything or anyone outside of your marriage. That is the premise of "His Needs, Her Needs."
However, this post is not in defense or really even in recommendation of the book. I thought it would be helpful, and hopefully edifying, to share the story of a couple who thought they were "fine" and found themselves devastated after an affair entered their marriage. I have permission to share this story, but the anonymity of the family will be preserved due to the delicate nature of the situation. Please consider their story carefully.
"It was a typical day and I was coming home from work. As I was driving I was thinking that my husband and I hadn't really been fighting lately and everything was going pretty well. That sure was nice to have some peace around the house. I got home that day, and my husband was already home. I started making preparations for dinner, when all the noise in the house was suddenly gone. It startled me and I looked at my husband. He looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "I need to tell you something..." he said.
My heart pounded. It was like I already knew the answer before he could even spit the words out of his mouth. "You are having an affair, aren't you?" I asked. "Yes" he replied. "When?" I countered. "A few months ago. It's been over for a while. I thought I could just move past it, but I couldn't stand not telling you," he said. My disbelief slowly turned into rage. I removed my wedding rings and threw them on the floor. "We're over!" I screamed. "Get out. NOW!"
From that moment forward, it was all a blur. I had small children at home to care for and all the sudden I couldn't even take care of myself. The sobs came uncontrollably as I tried to figure out what to do. How was I going to survive? How would I pay for everything? How was I going to share custody of my children? Divorce was the only option. I had made it clear when I married my husband that I would never stand for infidelity in my marriage.
He left. I took his credit card. I didn't trust him not to try to take our money. Did I even know this man? I gave him enough money for a hotel room and told him not to contact me. What should have felt like relief when he left, was not even close. What did I do? I called my mom and she came over and watched the kids while I recounted the memory of that moment over and over. Why? How? I cried until I had no energy left.
The next few days continued in a blur. I cried. I barely slept. I couldn't eat. My mom stayed and helped with the kids so I could figure out what to do. We didn't see each other or talk for almost a week. I didn't talk to my kids about their dad. Finally, we talked. He was trying to get help. He was working through his issues, but he confessed he didn't want our marriage to be over. He said he knew the only way we could survive was for him to be honest and have a new start...but whether I could forgive him was another story.
I finally started asking details about the affair. Some might think it crazy, but I wanted to know everything. If there was any chance at me getting through this, I had to know it all to see if I could push through it. She worked with him. She started showing up randomly in his office. She would compliment him. She would email him and text him. What started off so "innocent" became explicit very quickly. They were sleeping together in less than two weeks after it started. His guilt eventually overcame him and the sexual part of the affair ended, but their contact didn't.
I made the decision to contact her. Yes, her. She wouldn't answer me at first, but she told me she had nothing to explain to me. He was a big boy and made his decision to be with her. I told her I didn't deny that, but she was 50% of the problem. How could she do this to me? To my family?
Months passed. My husband was not living at home. We would spend evenings talking and recounting over the aspects of the affair. We would cry. Then we would pray. We talked about how we made it to this point. What needs was I not meeting for him to seek it from another woman? What did I need from him to even consider forgiveness?
Healing began. Last Christmas, he moved home. We were separated, but started "dating" each other again to see if we still had that spark together. I fully believe that if I had not had children, I would have divorced him immediately. But children bring another perspective into the relationship. I wouldn't stay with him if I couldn't reconnect, but I was going to try. I owed that to my kids.
Eventually, I figured I owed it to myself. I found myself falling for the new man I saw before me. I found myself rediscovering the man I loved before. I found myself realizing that God wanted to to have a successful marriage, and this man could still be the one. I found myself discovering forgiveness.
We just passed the year mark of that terrible day. I'm happy to say we are together and in love. If it hadn't been for God and the strength He provided me and the courage He gave me, I would have never survived it. I will spend the rest of my days thanking Him and hoping my marriage can glorify His name."
I share this with you to say, see, it does happen. I know all too many people that it has happened to recently. But even more, there can be forgiveness and there can be a way to make marriage work. Too many people give up when times get tough, but I'm not sure there could be a rougher time than a couple enduring an affair. I'm glad I could share this story with you, and I pray you keep this family and their marriage in your prayers. They are still rebuilding, but getting stronger every day.
Divorce-proof your marriage. Be committed to meeting your spouses needs and there won't be a reason for them to look elsewhere. God wants it to be one man, one woman for a lifetime. With Him, all things are possible! (Phil. 4:13)
Unity: Finances
Thanks to everyone for their patience and encouragement as we endured a set-back without a working computer in the house for quite some time! We are now up and running and this is our "trial post" to see how everything goes!
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
In the last post, we were discussing the importance of unity in parenting and discipline. This post is on unity in finances. This seems so appropriate to be coming up at this time since it is the busiest time of the year when the most money is spent! Did you know that the average person spends $600 at Christmastime? Wow! That is a lot of money! We know of many couples who spend much more than that on one another this time of the year.
When we first got married, this was an area we struggled in. One of us was a spender and one a saver. For anyone who knows us well, you can probably guess which one was which. Unfortunately, finances are the biggest cause for discourse in a marriage and the #1 reason for "irreconcilable differences" in divorces. We had to set some ground rules...and fast. There is probably, in our opinion, no easier problem to solve in marriage than financial expectations. Here's what worked for us...
1) Set a limit on how much you can spend without needing to consult one another. For us, this was $50. Anything more than that, unless it was an absolute emergency, was to be brought to the table and discussed.
2) Know exactly what the bills are and when they are due. It has helped us to have someplace where we can both keep track of the bills and how much they are. We both have bills that we are responsible for paying, but it's good sense to make sure both spouses know how much is going out each month.
3) Know how much you make monthly, combined. Plan your budget accordingly.
4) Put extra money away like you never had it. You won't miss that extra tax check or surprise bonus money if you just automatically slide it into savings or into your investments. We never plan anything around getting extra money.
5) Don't spend impulsively. Spend some time thinking whether or not you really need something and chances are, if you don't, you'll talk yourself out of it.
We have never set an official budget for ourselves, but knowing what will always go out and what should be coming in helps give us an idea for where we can afford to spend and when we need to save.
In the Bible, King Solomon acknowledged that working and laboring all day under the sun was for vanity. But he also noted that it was good for a man to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor (Eccl. 2:24; 8:25). There is a lot of joy to be found in enjoying the abilities and blessings that God has given us!
The Bible also discourages laziness saying "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." (2 Thess 3:10) It also says that a man who doesn't provide for his family is worse than one who doesn't believe. "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Tim 5:8)
When planning on how to use your money, remember that it comes from God and our lives should be free from the love of money and always wanting to have more, more, more! Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is the most important assest we have!
We should also remember that when we are blessed with having money, we should not forget those who are less fortunate or the needs of the church! Acts 20:35 says "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
Just remember that how we use our money is an extension of ourselves and will be key in how others view us. "Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works..." (Titus 2:4)
If you find yourself in money trouble, we suggest finding a strong Christian family who can model good stewardship of their money to mentor you into better habits. Don't make yourself an unnecessary statistic by making poor financial decisions!
Prayer: "God, thank you for the abundant blessings you give us. Please help us to learn or continue to be good stewards of those blessings. Help us to be generous in helping those less fortunate and contributing to the work for your kingdom."
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Unity: Parenting and Discipline
So continuing on with our thoughts on unity, this post will cover unity in parenting and discipline. Beyond your marriage, there is no more important undertaking that you as a couple can do on this earth. The decision to have children is serious and momentous, for at that moment, you become responsible for another being's life. It's so precious and so dear, not demonstrating unity in this area between you and your spouse can be detrimental to your family.
Proverbs 22:6 says "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." So how do children learn "the way they should go"? It should be from the godly examples, training and discipline received from their parents. Paul commended Timothy for his faith that he had observed first in his mother and grandmother. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)
Did you ever wonder if you were ready to have children? Someone once told me that I would never be ready, no matter how much preparation I did because children change your lives forever! It doesn't matter how many parenting books you read, how much advice you receive, or how much help you get...your child is going to rock your world! Even though I do agree with that statement, I do believe that we should be prepared in the type of approach you want to take as a parent.
Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."
When you are considering having children are you thinking:
-Hopefully you both want to have children. Not being committed to this thought together may lead to problems and laziness down the road.
-How many children do you want?
-Are you prepared to deal with miscarriage? Loss of a child?
- What if you have the inability to conceive? How you do feel about artificial methods of conception such as artificial insemination or invitro fertilization? How much financially could you handle if you chose one of these options?
-Are you prepared to deal with a child with disability?
-Would you ever consider adoption?
-Can you financially support having children?
-Is your marriage strong and rooted firmly on the ROCK?
All these questions are important to discuss and answer before you consider having children. I have known several couples that have needed fertility treatments or opted for artificial methods in their hopes of having a child. I have known several couples that haven't been able to conceive that have adopted children. I had a friend once whose world was rocked with the birth of her son with Down's Syndrome, and a family member born with spina bifida. Our family went through the loss of a miscarriage in October 2008.
All these different variables can already impact your marriage before a child even arrives! When your children get here, how do you feel about:
-Sleeping arrangements?
-Extra help needed around the house or distribution of chores?
-Women working outside the home?
-Childcare?
-How much television your children watch and what's on?
-Public school vs. home school?
-Drinking and smoking? (Hopefully these are a no-no from a health and moral implication)
The other big point is discipline. Discipline will be a foundation for the behaviors that you find acceptable and unacceptable in your children. Many parents take a laid-back approach to parenting and let kids explore and figure things out on their own. They are more interested in being friendly with their children than "training" (Prov. 22:6) them and providing them with a good moral compass. If our children are never exposed to a standard, and in this case, God's standard, then how do we expect them to know what is right and what is wrong?
I'm sure no one wants to see their children grow up and not become Christians. I'm sure no one wants to even fathom their child in a fiery eternity. We must be responsible for teaching our children and leading them in the right way so when they are grown they "will not depart from it"! Here is what the Bible says about discipline...it speaks for itself!
And there's more...just Google "discipline!" A lack of discipline is confusing to a child. A lack of unity about discipline between parents is even more confusing. If a child can manipulate and pit his or her parents against one another...they will! Be unified...it is the greatest gift you can give to your children!
Proverbs 22:6 says "Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." So how do children learn "the way they should go"? It should be from the godly examples, training and discipline received from their parents. Paul commended Timothy for his faith that he had observed first in his mother and grandmother. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also." (2 Timothy 1:5)
Did you ever wonder if you were ready to have children? Someone once told me that I would never be ready, no matter how much preparation I did because children change your lives forever! It doesn't matter how many parenting books you read, how much advice you receive, or how much help you get...your child is going to rock your world! Even though I do agree with that statement, I do believe that we should be prepared in the type of approach you want to take as a parent.
Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward."
When you are considering having children are you thinking:
-Hopefully you both want to have children. Not being committed to this thought together may lead to problems and laziness down the road.
-How many children do you want?
-Are you prepared to deal with miscarriage? Loss of a child?
- What if you have the inability to conceive? How you do feel about artificial methods of conception such as artificial insemination or invitro fertilization? How much financially could you handle if you chose one of these options?
-Are you prepared to deal with a child with disability?
-Would you ever consider adoption?
-Can you financially support having children?
-Is your marriage strong and rooted firmly on the ROCK?
All these questions are important to discuss and answer before you consider having children. I have known several couples that have needed fertility treatments or opted for artificial methods in their hopes of having a child. I have known several couples that haven't been able to conceive that have adopted children. I had a friend once whose world was rocked with the birth of her son with Down's Syndrome, and a family member born with spina bifida. Our family went through the loss of a miscarriage in October 2008.
All these different variables can already impact your marriage before a child even arrives! When your children get here, how do you feel about:
-Sleeping arrangements?
-Extra help needed around the house or distribution of chores?
-Women working outside the home?
-Childcare?
-How much television your children watch and what's on?
-Public school vs. home school?
-Drinking and smoking? (Hopefully these are a no-no from a health and moral implication)
The other big point is discipline. Discipline will be a foundation for the behaviors that you find acceptable and unacceptable in your children. Many parents take a laid-back approach to parenting and let kids explore and figure things out on their own. They are more interested in being friendly with their children than "training" (Prov. 22:6) them and providing them with a good moral compass. If our children are never exposed to a standard, and in this case, God's standard, then how do we expect them to know what is right and what is wrong?
I'm sure no one wants to see their children grow up and not become Christians. I'm sure no one wants to even fathom their child in a fiery eternity. We must be responsible for teaching our children and leading them in the right way so when they are grown they "will not depart from it"! Here is what the Bible says about discipline...it speaks for itself!
Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad.
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Unity: The Purpose of Marriage
When this blog started, there was a survey that stated "Do you believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment?" It was a unanimous 'yes' from all that responded. So, if so many people believe that marriage should be a once only, forever bond between a man and woman, then how are so many marriages ending in divorce? In the last post, we listed a few things in a marriage that couples MUST be unified in their marriages about or potentially suffer detrimental consequences. In this post, we want to examine how when we enter the bond of marriage that both partners must agree that marriage is a lifetime commitment.
Do you know the difference between a contract and a covenant? Both are serious commitments entered into by multiple parties, and both are enforceable by law. But in the Bible, God chose to enter into a covenant with His people, signifying that a covenant was sacred and nothing to be taken lightly. Breaking a covenant with God doesn't result in a fine and a few negative consequences like breaking a contract. There is no negotiating and no loopholes. It is God's way and His way only!
We should be viewing marriage in the same light. It is sacred for God himself created this covenant relationship between man and woman that was intended to be a lifetime commitment. In Genesis 2, God decided it wasn't good for man to be alone and he created woman. This one man and one woman was the first marriage. God's intentions for marriage are then reiterated in the New Testament by the apostle Matthew.
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6
If you aren't married yet, I suggest that you take time to sit down with your future spouse and have an open and honest conversation on your intentions for marriage. Don't hold back. If one or both of you doubt that you can do what it takes to make a marriage last, then you have some maturing to do. If you want to honor God and His commandments, then you have to be at this point before you take this very monumental step. If you aren't, you are already setting your marriage up for rocky times that may otherwise be avoided. Pray together and ask that God help you both achieve the same mind.
If you are married and you or your spouse have questioned whether or not your marriage can last, don't forget the covenant you made before God. Don't forget your wedding vows that you would care for each other through the ups and downs, sickness and health, better or worse! The "worse" always wants to send people packing! In truth, this is when we should be taking time to draw closer as a couple and to God, even if that seems like the last thing you want to do! King David, in a time of oppression in his life, chose to thank God and praise Him for His consistency in delivering him out of his troubles. He reminds us in Psalm 9:9-10 "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
As a reminder, God has given us only one reason that we can chose to end our marriages. Matthew 19:8-9 says "Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
The disciples questioned on why they should even bother getting married then and Jesus answered"...Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." (Matthew 19:11-12, The Message)
God created marriage that it be enjoyed! He didn't want man to be lonely (Genesis 2:18). God finds favor in marriage as noted in Psalm 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD."
Just remember when you encounter various trials and temptations in your marriage that "...God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) And also that you should "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)
Marriages are going to go through hard times. But if we aim as a couple to keep the covenant that we made with God and with each other, we can increase the presence of godly marriages in this country and decrease a dangerously rising statistic! Resolve or renew today your covenant with your husband or wife to make your marriage last a lifetime as God intended in His grand plan.
Prayer: Dear Lord, help us to have the mindset in marriage that it is a lifetime commitment that we have made to one another in your presence. This covenant is not one to be taken lightly, but with the same seriousness that you regard the importance of marriage. Help us to set good examples to others and to our children of what good, godly marriages should look like.
Do you know the difference between a contract and a covenant? Both are serious commitments entered into by multiple parties, and both are enforceable by law. But in the Bible, God chose to enter into a covenant with His people, signifying that a covenant was sacred and nothing to be taken lightly. Breaking a covenant with God doesn't result in a fine and a few negative consequences like breaking a contract. There is no negotiating and no loopholes. It is God's way and His way only!
We should be viewing marriage in the same light. It is sacred for God himself created this covenant relationship between man and woman that was intended to be a lifetime commitment. In Genesis 2, God decided it wasn't good for man to be alone and he created woman. This one man and one woman was the first marriage. God's intentions for marriage are then reiterated in the New Testament by the apostle Matthew.
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Matthew 19:4-6
If you aren't married yet, I suggest that you take time to sit down with your future spouse and have an open and honest conversation on your intentions for marriage. Don't hold back. If one or both of you doubt that you can do what it takes to make a marriage last, then you have some maturing to do. If you want to honor God and His commandments, then you have to be at this point before you take this very monumental step. If you aren't, you are already setting your marriage up for rocky times that may otherwise be avoided. Pray together and ask that God help you both achieve the same mind.
If you are married and you or your spouse have questioned whether or not your marriage can last, don't forget the covenant you made before God. Don't forget your wedding vows that you would care for each other through the ups and downs, sickness and health, better or worse! The "worse" always wants to send people packing! In truth, this is when we should be taking time to draw closer as a couple and to God, even if that seems like the last thing you want to do! King David, in a time of oppression in his life, chose to thank God and praise Him for His consistency in delivering him out of his troubles. He reminds us in Psalm 9:9-10 "The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."
As a reminder, God has given us only one reason that we can chose to end our marriages. Matthew 19:8-9 says "Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (NIV)
The disciples questioned on why they should even bother getting married then and Jesus answered"...Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." (Matthew 19:11-12, The Message)
God created marriage that it be enjoyed! He didn't want man to be lonely (Genesis 2:18). God finds favor in marriage as noted in Psalm 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD."
Just remember when you encounter various trials and temptations in your marriage that "...God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13) And also that you should "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)
Marriages are going to go through hard times. But if we aim as a couple to keep the covenant that we made with God and with each other, we can increase the presence of godly marriages in this country and decrease a dangerously rising statistic! Resolve or renew today your covenant with your husband or wife to make your marriage last a lifetime as God intended in His grand plan.
Prayer: Dear Lord, help us to have the mindset in marriage that it is a lifetime commitment that we have made to one another in your presence. This covenant is not one to be taken lightly, but with the same seriousness that you regard the importance of marriage. Help us to set good examples to others and to our children of what good, godly marriages should look like.
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